Impact Report for Apr. 12 – Wedding on Lockdown

As we get ready for Lockdown this Sunday (or not), Impact opens this week with Eric Bischoff on his way to the ring to a chorus of standing booos. Bischoff says that both Hulk Hogan and his son Garrett might feel like they’re in control, but they don’t realize that the name ‘Eric Bischoff’ will live on for years after everyone in the arena has passed on. Bischoff then introduces his team for Lethal Lockdown, comprised of Bully Ray, Gunner, Christopher Daniels and Kazarian. Ray puts a little umph in his reintroduction of Eric Bischoff, and says he’s proud to stand next to Bischoff and go to war for him. Ray says as great of a man that Bischoff is, he’s made one mistake, which is his ‘bastard’ son Garrett Bischoff. Bischoff reminds everyone that there will be a best of three series of matches to determine which team has the numbers advantage in Lethal Lockdown and says that he’s put his faith in Gunner, who is the first man that will get the job done tonight. This brings out Garrett Bischoff through the entrance tunnel. He says he’s got his team ready as well and they’re all chomping at the bit to get out and take apart his dad’s team. Garrett introduces his first team member, who is going to square off against Gunner in the first match, Mr. Anderson.

Match #1: Gunner vs. Mr. Anderson in the first match in the best of 3 series

We return from commercial with the match already in progress (unlike either of these guys’ careers). Gunner takes things to the floor and attempts a slam, but Anderson slides out the back and shoves Gunner face-first into the post (the crowd seems unusually hot tonight). Gunner tries a schoolboy in the ring and uses the tights, but still can’t get the job done. Anderson responds with a series of elbow drops. Gunner slowly reopens the wound on Anderson’s head, cause by Bobby Roode last week. Gunner charges into the corner, but catches nothing but post, as Anderson is able to side-step him. Anderson blatantly chokes Gunner in the corner with his boot and gets himself DQ’d (not a smart move).

Winner: Gunner by disqualification  

Eric Young is getting suited up backstage and talking to himself in the mirror, when he’s interrupted by Joseph Park. Park asks Young if he’s thought about a pre-nup, to which Young responds that he has thought about getting a dog. Park then asks Young about Abyss and Young actually provides him with the most useful information, saying that the last time he saw Abyss, he was mixed up with that Immortal group (who?), so Park might want to start there.

The Motor City Machine Guns are in the ring. Sabin says the MCMG have been plagued by injuries, but that’s all in the past and it’s time to focus on the future. Shelley says that the MCMG have been teaming together for five years now, while Joe and Magnus are going on three months. Shelley then lists the teams that he and Sabin have beaten and reminds Joe and Magnus that they aren’t wrestling Curry Man and Sharkboy at Lockdown; he says they’re wrestling the Motor City Machine Guns. This brings out the tag champs. Magnus acknowledges that Sabin and Shelley are one of the greatest teams of all time, but it’s not about who’s the best ever; he says it’s about who’s the best team today, and the Guns are looking at ‘em. Magnus says at Lockdown, everyone finds out who really is the best of the best. He adds that since both teams clearly look ready, they don’t need to wait and they can get it on right now. Before they go at it, Mexican America interrupts. Anarquia says his team was tag team champions for six months and they want in the equation. With that, Mexican America are quickly subtracted from the equation by both challenging and defending teams.

Match #2: Christopher Daniels vs. Austin Aries in the second match in the best of 3 series

Daniels tries everything to escape a side headlock scenario, which Aries keeps going back to. Aries outwrestles Daniels early, but gets crotched, while attempting a high risk move and then Daniels delivers a palm thrust, knocking Aries to the floor. Daniels follows up with a vertical suplex, but only gets one. He then utilizes a very unique submission, where he stretches Aries’ back across his knee like a bow and arrow kind of move, but also has Aries trapped in a cobra clutch. Aries fights back with a tope under the middle rope to the floor. He then delivers a handsprings elbow drop, which looked amazing, for two. Both guys get caught using the tights, with roll-up attempts. Daniels delivers a urinage and tries the BME, which Aries avoids. Daniels still lands on his feet, but eats a missile dropkick from Aries. Aries follows up with a running dropkick in the far corner and then the brainbuster for the win.

Winner: Austin Aries by pinfall

As the steel cage is being assembled for the wedding ceremony, Jeff Hardy comes out to the ring for the next segment. Hardy says the feud between himself and Angle started when Kurt cost him the World Title, and it’s going to end in a steel cage at Lockdown. He says this Sunday, he and Angle are going to hurt each other (yep he’s going to hurt Kurt).

Footage is shown from last week of an angry promo by James Storm, who’s with Montgomery Gentry. Storm says he’s going to get his revenge for what Roode did to his buddies, at Lockdown. The three of them then go out for a beer.

Eric Young is backstage trying to go over his vows, when he’s interrupted by Sarita and Rosita, who are coming on to him. They reveal to Young what’s under their robes, asking if he’s really ready to settle down with one woman for the rest of his life. Young seems tempted, but ultimately fights it and runs off.

Up next is the ‘much anticipated’ wedding between Eric Young and ODB (I really don’t know how to describe this, but I’ll do my best). Taz notes that Young seems to have washed his hair for this match. The traditional wedding song sounds, but nobody comes out and everyone is thinking ODB might have gotten cold feet. Then ODB’s theme song hits and she comes out to her own theme music (they actually lock the cage for this segment). For some reason, the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Titles are on display at the ‘altar?’ The reverend/judge actually introduces ODB by the name ODB (as if this wasn’t official enough). They then air a video montage of all their moments together (this is ridiculous). The happy couple each reads their own wedding vows, which are barely worth mentioning. ODB does say that she will not take Young’s last name, but she will take his ring music. The reverend then goes over the part, where he asks if anyone objects to these two being married. Sarita and Rosita interrupt the proceedings, which actually brings ODB to tears. Sarita says Young has a choice of spending his entire life with that beast, or going home with the two of them. The senioritas starts stripping to their nighties and doing a little dance. ODB admits that she doesn’t have what those girls have. She then reveals her own ‘goods’ and says they don’t have what she has, and she lets out a ‘BAM!’ Young says ODB is perfect for him. He says he knows what will make this wedding even more perfect. Young then starts removing his own clothes and basically strips down to his unmentionables. The preacher then starts disrobing at the request of ODB and for whatever reason, the fans seem to be into this. The couple finally says their ‘I Do’s’ and this painful segment is over (that’s about 10 minutes of my life I won’t get back).    

Ric Flair is trying to motivate Bully Ray for his match backstage, with the rest of Bischoff’s team there as well.

Bobby Roode is talking the Reaction crew backstage, with his security standing behind him. He says he has no problem facing off with James Storm tonight, because this issue is already personal, and he has no problem with personal.

Match #3: Bully Ray vs. AJ Styles in the third match in the best of 3 series

All other team members are at ringside for this match. AJ secures a side headlock in the early going, but Ray powers him into a belly-to-back suplex to gain the advantage. AJ retaliates with an explosive dropkick, but then eats a boot, knocking him off the apron to the floor. Ray then delivers a huge back body drop, but misses a big splash. Ray comes back with a Samoan drop for two. AJ delivers a top rope hurricanrana for two. Kazarian trips AJ as he runs the ropes, which leads to all team members going at it on the outside. Meanwhile, AJ drills Ray with the Pele. AJ hits Kazarian with a baseball slide, but with both AJ and the referee occupied, Bischoff slides the chain in to Ray, who uses it to KO AJ, as he flies through the air off a springboard, and Ray gets the pin.

Winner: Bully Ray by pinfall

After the match, Hogan rains on Bischoff’s parade, informing him that it’s no longer going to be four-on-four at Lockdown. Hogan says it’s now going to be five-on-five, and Bischoff has about three minutes to tell him who his fifth team member is (three minutes? Is Rosey back?). As we come back from commercial, Hogan says that time is up and he needs to know who Bischoff’s fifth man is. Bischoff is then over-confident that Hogan is going to be Garrett’s fifth man and therefore, he volunteers to be his own team’s fifth man. Hogan says he gave Garrett a heads up a few days ago, and let Garrett know about the five-on-five change. He then hands the microphone over to Garrett, saying he’s sure Garrett already has someone in mind. Garrett then does the thumb signal for Rob Van Dam, and out comes the returning RVD, much to the dismay of Bischoff and his team.

Up next is another tremendous video montage, focused on the relationship between Bobby Roode and James Storm.

Match #4: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky and Mickie James

Before this match, Taz says he can’t wait to see Team Garrett versus Team Bischoff on Sunday (huh?). Mickie cartwheels out of a top wristlock by Madison, but gets yanked back down to the canvas by her hair, which she could have lost at last year’s Lockdown. Velvet tags in and Gail wants no part of her apparently. Mickie delivers a low dropkick to Madison, but is taken down with a mafia kick by Gail. Gail then misses her crossbody in the corner, and ends up on the floor. Velvet finally gets in with Gail and takes her down with a flying headscissors, followed by a faceplant bulldog, but Madison breaks the pin at two. Gail tries to escape, but Mickie tosses her back in the ring. Gail blocks the first attempt of In Your Face and tries Eat De-feet, which Velvet blocks and finally delivers her In Your Face finisher for the win.

Winners: Velvet Sky and Mickie James by pinfall

James Storm comes out for the final segment, dressed like he’s auditioning for a Miami Vice remake. Roode immediately joins Storm in the ring, with his security following behind him. Storm says they’ve been doing a lot of yelling at each other for the last couple of weeks. He wonders why they can’t just act like they were as boys and just talk. Storm lists all their accomplishments as a tag team and tries to go through the history they have with each other. Roode says he doesn’t want to pretend that Beer Money never existed. He says being a part of that team was one of the proudest moments in his career and his life. Roode goes on to say that another proud moment in his career and his life was when the two of them put aside their tag team aspirations and focused on their singles careers. He says both of them did pretty well, but Roode ended up winning the Bound for Glory series, while Storm lost in the semi-finals. Roode says he was the one who wrestled for the World Title, while Storm did nothing at Bound for Glory. Storm says he was doing something that night; he says he was drinking beer, while watching Roode get beat. Storm adds that he also beat the guy that beat Roode, to win the title. Roode continues that he remembers Storm’s title reign being very short. He says it was him who actually beat Storm for that title, which he remembers, because it was the night that he became the ‘It-factor’ of professional wrestling and the leader of the selfish generation. Storm says he does remember, because that’s the night when Roode destroyed the legacy of Beer Money and destroyed their friendship. Roode says they were never friends. He says they’ve hated each other from day one and says Storm’s been jealous of Roode since then, because for all those years, Storm was living off Roode’s success. Storm says family and friends still mean something to him. He says he never sold himself out for all that money like Roode did. He adds that his super kick leg is getting tired from this little history class. He says that in three days, they’re going to Storm’s hometown to beat the living shit out of each other. Roode says he doesn’t give a damn about Storm’s hick hometown, his hillbilly wife or his redneck kids. Storm says Roode isn’t going to need any damn luck, but instead, he’s going to need a miracle to get out of that cage. Roode says in three days, Storm’s the one who’s going to need all the luck he can get, because considering Storm’s history of his two dead brothers and his dead father, Storm never had any luck. This was excellent!

The show ends with Roode and Storm in each other’s faces, screaming obscenities at each other.

Final thoughts:

I thought as a stand-alone show, this was pretty decent, but as a go-home show, they almost struck out…until the final segment. Roode and Storm really hammered it home with those promos, but ultimately, nobody buys a pay per view for one match. I thought Jeff Hardy’s promo was very lame and didn’t really have any effect at all. The Lethal Lockdown build was decent, but they tried to accomplish four weeks of build in one night, and it didn’t work. I thought the ODB/Eric Young wedding was a complete waste of time, but I’m at least thankful that it was on Impact, instead of the pay per view; still though, it shouldn’t have been on the go-home show. Not that anybody cares about the Morgan/Crimson feud anyway, but why they were not on this show to sell their match was kind of puzzling. Outside of the main event, I’m not really looking forward to anything else at Lockdown, but hopefully it’s pleasantly surprising. I give this 8 out of 10, which is mostly because of the final segment.