It’s the dawning of a new era as last night John Laurinaitis was fired, and hopefully I won’t have to deal with his long ass name anymore on these reports. The era of people power is over, so what will rise in its place?
Raw begins tonight from Long Island, NY with the return of their hometown boy, Mick Foley. Foley is wearing a suit believe it or not…I smell new GM!
Foley explains that he was planning on showing up tonight to help promote Raw 1000th episode, but he was called last night and approached about being an interim GM. He boasts about his past experience and announces that this week’s TV will be overseen by him. Foley makes a match for tonight (Kane & Bryan vs. Punk & Sheamus).
Foley brings out John Laurinaitis, whom is allotted some time to give his farewell speech. He comes limping down and is greeted by Foley with a stiff hug. Johnny is wearing a neck brace and leaning on a crutch as he tries to speak over a very loud and enthusiastic crowd chanting “you got fired!” Foley puts words in his mouth, saying that Johnny told him Long Island sucks (reverse cheap pop?) Johnny says that he will give his farewell speech later, but before he was fired last night he made a match for tonight (you can do that?). It will be John Cena vs. Big Show and John Laurinaitis himself in a handicap match. He tells Foley to have a nice day, and limps away (apparently his intro music wasn’t fired)
Sheamus comes out as Johnny is trying to leave. He stares a hole in him and smiles before greeting Foley in the ring.
CM Punk comes out next, also getting his digs in at Laurinaitis, giving him the old “you’re out!” baseball umpire signal.
MATCH # 1 SHEAMUS & CM PUNK vs. KANE & DANIEL BRYAN
Is Long Island a Daniel Bryan crowd? Yes! Yes! Yes!
Bryan gets tossed around by Sheamus, who hits a shoulder block and power slam. Punk and Kane go at it next, with Kane focusing on Punks shoulder. Punk can’t seem to fight out of the heels corner, but he manages eventually to dive onto Bryan on the outside, but gets caught by Kane in the ring, who hits a throat punch.
And now for a commercial…Alberto Del Rio is not my favorite, but his MITB ad is pretty funny.
Back to episode #995, Punk is trying to get to Sheamus, and he does. The Great White cleans house, hitting a high knee and the Irish curse. He hits a few chest shots to Bryan, but Kane interferes and regains the momentum for his team. Bryan takes on Sheamus, hitting a few kicks (and a lot of “yeses”) in the corner. Kane comes back in and hits a side slam then goes to the top rope for a clothesline. Sheamus kicks out at two and after a lengthy beat down by Daniel Bryan, he dodges a corner attack and tags in Punk. Punk and Bryan turn up the pace, with Punk hitting a scoop slam and bulldog. Bryan scouts the elbow and hits a super plex.
And now some music hits that I have never heard…oh wait its AJ. She’s dressed like Kane! She skips around the ring and leaves, causing Kane to follow her. Punk takes the easy pickings and hits the GTS to Bryan, tagging Sheamus in for the brogue kick and the pin.
Winners – Sheamus & CM Punk
It doesn’t take a genius to see what’s going on here…AJ loves Sheamus.
In the back, Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger are arguing about who the star of their team is (it’s Ziggler) Vicky comes in and says it’s time to make a decision, on who deserves her services…what does she do? She says she wants to bring it out to the ring. The crowd chants “we want Ziggler”.
In the back, John Laurinaitis & David Otunga are all smiles. Big Show comes in and wants to know what’s so funny. Johnny tells him that he’s going to leave a lasting impression on the WWE Universe, and John Cena. Show tells him that he doesn’t think anything is funny. I guess I missed it, but Otunga is in on the handicap match with Big Show and Johnny vs. Cena.
MATCH # 2 DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. JACK SWAGGER
I can’t believe they are giving this match away when it could be the main event of TLC…’s YouTube pre show.
Swagger and Ziggler shove a bit and lock. Ziggler seems to tweak his knee, so Swagger attacks it. He slams the knee into the mat and wrenches it on the ropes. Swagger taunts as the crowd goes cold. They are behind Ziggler, but they really have no interest in Swagger as a threat. Jack gets the ankle lock, and the crowd chants for Ziggler, who rolls Swagger into the corner and hits the Zig Zag for the win.
Winner – Dolph Ziggler.
Vicky comes into the ring and congratulates with Ziggler with a kiss that will now be the antithesis to the AJ kiss. I would have expected Ziggler to denounce her, but not yet.
They recap last night’s challenge from HHH to Brock Lesnar for a match at Summerslam, complete with his very corny “Lets fight!” soundbyte that reminds me of Al Bundy saying “Lets Rock!”
Jerry Lawler talks about his favorite Raw being the debut of Mr. Socko and the infamous bedpan shot…why am I not surprised?
Next up…Here comes the pain…fully bald and stocky Paul Heyman to address HHH. He says that even though head office may cater to HHH’s whims, Brock nor he will not. They will not drop their lawsuits and Brock will not fight Hunter at Summerslam. He thanks us for his time and is about to call it a day…enter HHH.
Trips comes down to the ring to address an increasingly concerned Heyman. Hunter points out that he’s not in a bingo hall and he’s not one of Paul’s cronies from the 90’s. He says he knows that Heyman is a habitual liar, and he is sure that Lesnar will be at Summerslam. He appeals to Brocks business acumen, showing a picture of a Summerslam poster with Brocks face on it. Heyman tells HHH that Brock has no ego. Trips calls him on that and says the court trials would be very long and drawn out, and if he doesn’t fight, he’ll go down as being the guy who’s afraid of HHH.
Heyman says that HHH is good, and he almost got him. He asks Hunter to stop being pretending to be a wrestler, and the ass kicker that he used to be, and go back to his corporate world, and his princess…He tells hunter that he might be the king of kings but in the real world, he’s not the king of anything. Heyman says that Hunter is turning into Vince, and he knows how to push his buttons. Heyman says that if Hunter hits him, he and Brock will own the company…and they won’t have anything for him…but they will have something for Stephanie!
Hunter grabs Paul by the throat. Heyman says that he knew hunter wouldn’t hit him, because he’s smarter than him and he sees every move from a mile away.
HHH knocks out Paul Heyman…then he asks him, “Did you see that coming?” He says he’ll see Brock at Summerslam. Maybe he should talk to Undertaker about how to get a guy to accept a big PPV match.
MATCH # 3 ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. SANTINO
I thought ADR was hurt. But apparently he’s on light duties (aka Santino). Del Rio dodges a salute drop and hits an inziguiri followed by the cross arm breaker for a quick tap out.
Winner- Alberto Del Rrrrrrrrrioooo!
After the match, Ricardo gets some revenge on Santino for the tuxedo match…he’s still waiting on getting his revenge on the bookers.
Cindi Lauper is returning to the WWE next. They show some highlights from the parts of early WM tapes that I would have fast forwarded.
Layla is in the ring, and brings out Wendy Richter and Cindi Lauper…this is scary. Cindi looks like a ghost. Heath Slater interrupts and calls this whole thing a train wreck. Heath gets about as good of a reaction as he ever will. He calls himself a one man band, and starts singing his new song. It’s terrible, but it’s still better than Cindi…
Out to make the save is none other than Rowdy Roddy Piper. He greets the ladies and tells Slater to take a hike. Lauper and Piper catch up on old times…very old times. Piper says that the Rock and wrestling connection is what launched the WWE. Everyone in this segment seems to be drunk. Piper professes his love for Cindi and puts over Lou Albano. He apologizes for a 20 year old angle that nobody remembers, and then he presents Cindi with her gold record. Cole and I are both about to Puke. Slater is the voice of the voiceless in this instance, and tells the legends that nobody cares about them. He goes onto sing his song, but Piper thumbs him in the eye and Cindi cracks her gold record over Heaths head…if there were ever a time to excuse the headshot rule in the WWE this was it!
AW is out next to introduce his team, The Prime Time Players. If you missed it last night AW along with Titus & Darren shocked the world by being on a PPV.
MATCH # 4 TITUS O’NEIL & DARREN YOUNG vs. PRIMO & EPICO
The team’s battle to the outside, with Darren left in the ring to take a backstabber. Primo gets the upper hand but The Primetime Players bail and AW holds them back from a further beat down, saying that they are already the number one contenders, and they don’t need this match. They get counted out.
Winners – Primo & Epico.
Chris Jericho will return next Monday…so “indefinitely” equals a few weeks or until too many other guys get hurt. I won’t complain however, because I do miss him…and besides, more Jericho means less Moongoose…and that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing.
MATCH # 5 JOHN CENA vs. JOHN LAURINAITIS & DAVID OTUNGA & BIG SHOW
Johnny cuts a promo, saying that Cena cheated, using 5 guys to help beat the Big Show. He says that he’s not the loser; the fans are; because we don’t have People Power anymore. He calls everyone a loser individually and says he won’t be seen until he’s inducted into the HOF. He says that he’s going to give us the biggest John Cena beat down ever. Otunga comes out followed by Big Show.
Teddy Long comes out to the commentary desk. He rips up his nametag. Cole starts sucking up to him.
Big Show thanks Laurinaitis for his contract and his bonus. He tells Johnny that he’s proven that he can beat John Cena, and he sees no reason to compete tonight. He tells Johnny and Otunga that they are on their own…what a traitor!
Cena finally comes out. He starts out against Otunga, hitting a running bulldog. Otunga tries to tag out but Johnny tells him he’s too hurt to tag in. For a Harvard lawyer this guy isn’t too bright. Otunga manages to shove Cena into the steps. He maintains control with some lunges and elbow drops. Laurinaitis tags in and drops the sling and crutch, and attacks a laid out Cena. He goes to tag in Otunga, but David shows his true colours and bails on him as well. Cena hits the shuffle and an AA. The crowd want’s some more so Cena hits him with two more, and slaps on the STF for an immediate tap out.
Winner – John Cena
Raw comes to a close with Cena saluting the crowd, and Teddy Long applauding.
So I watched the PPV right before Raw tonight and it might as well have been a 5 hour Raw. Most of the matches last night were unannounced and there was very little novelty. This is pretty much the low point of the year traditionally with Wrestlemania’s fallout completely dried up combined with people having better things to do with their days. If John Pollock is right, we will be getting a big angle soon, and it can’t come soon enough, because I’m pretty much over the whole concept of who’s in power, and who John Cena will make jokes with next. I am enjoying everything with Punk and Bryan as well as the AJ & Kane story…but beyond that there are still a lot of angles that seem to be in the early stages (where will they go with Ryback? Brodus? Ziggler?)
For now I suppose I can be happy that I only had to sit through 5 hours of Wrestling tonight and not 6.
That’s it for now, as always I’d love to hear your thoughts on the show. Send your comments below on this report, and have a great week!
And now for some Odds:
Over Under on how many legends beat up Heath Slater before July 23rd 6.5
Over under on the next PPV main event for Big Show never.5
Odds that I have to write the word “Laurinaitis” even more now that he’s been fired 1-1
Odds that girls just want to have fun…and several martinis before coming to the ring 1-1
Odds that the WWE ever puts out a DVD called “Undressed; the best of the tuxedo match!” 3000-1
Over under on how much money The Primetime Players are off by when they claim how much they are worth – Millions and Millions and 999,000
The next permanent GM? Mick Foley 45-1 William Regal 38-1 Vicky Guererro 11-1 HBK 14-1 Vince McMahon 9-1 HHH 6-1 Michael Cole 6-1 Teddy Long 5-1 The ANON GM 5-1 JBL 5-1 David Otunga 4-1 Eve 4-1Mitt Romney 999,000-1
Cena’s next PPV opponent? Jericho 3-1 Daniel Bryan 4-1 CM Punk 5-1 Kane 8-1 Ziggler 8-1