The Fight Network

First, a note: It's been said that our lives are defined by choices, good and bad. This week, I made the worst mistake I possibly could have made in my capacity as a writer for this site- I read the spoilers for this week's Impact. Normally, I like to watch the show as it airs, and react accordingly, without any foreknowledge of the matches or angles. This week however, I was told that the show would be especially dire. It was closely likened to the infamous episode of WCW's Monday Nitro when the New World Order took over the show, resulting in one of the worst televised wrestling shows of all time. Sure enough, this week was utterly, utterly appalling- the type of show that isn't just bad, but that can actually do irreparable damage to wrestlers' careers, and by proxy to the promotion itself. Still, I dutifully watched Impact, and though it was a joyless experience, I'll do my best to dispassionately report on Vince Russo's latest atrocities- if only so I can share my hell with the rest of you. Schadenfreude's a bitch.

 

Impact opens with a video package in the style of a political campaign ad made by the Main Event Mafia. The Mafia is unstoppable, the Frontlines are ingrates, blah blah blah...nothing you haven't seen before. From there, we go to Jeff Jarrett's office, where Kurt Angle has set up shop. Jim Cornette marches in and tells Angle that he and the Mafia won't get away with hijacking Impact, but Angle scoffs and asks who could possibly stop them. He points out that Mick Foley isn't there, and Jeff Jarrett is still licking his wounds at home. Cornette begins to protest again, but Angle warns him to shut up, threatening to sic his private security on him. Cornette resignedly flops onto a couch and kicks up his feet to watch the upcoming  train wreck with the rest of us. Satisfied, Angle signals for the start of the show, and the intro music plays.

 

We head out to the Impact Zone and our announcers, Kevin Nash and Booker T, using the names "Chet Lemon" and "Black Snow". After some quick one-liners, they send us to our Mafia interviewer, Sharmelle, who's standing by with ODB. Sharmell cracks wise, calling ODB an obnoxious, dumb bimbo. ODB retorts that Sharmell wouldn't have such a smart mouth if she didn't have the Mafia's security guard backing her up. Sharmell taunts ODB about her upcoming four-on-one handicap match against the Kongtourage, but ODB merely proclaims that she's drunk, horny and ready to kick some ass. Sharmell claims that the Mafia threw Taylor Wilde and Roxxi out of the building earlier, but ODB is unphased; she brags that the only back up she needs are her friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.

 

Next, we go to the ring, where our announcer for the night is Scott Steiner, and that's ALMOST worth watching this shit for. Steiner is as incomprehensible as ever, and he plays it for comedy, stumbling over everyone's names. As the Kongtourage head out to the ring, Booker T compares Sojournor Bolt to Claude "Thunderbolt" Patterson, which gets the Matt Striker ridiculously obscure reference of the week award.

 

 

The Kongtourage (Awesome Kong, Raisha Saeed, Rhaka Khan and Sojournor Bolt) vs. ODB

 

ODB goes on the offense early with a Belly to Back Takedown on Bolt. She nails Bolt with a few clubbing blows, but Bolt bull rushes her into the corner. SoJo nails ODB with a series of forearms, but ODB reverses an Irish Whip with a Small Package for a one count. ODB hits Bolt with a Clothesline, then forces Bolt out of the ring with a weak looking tackle through the ropes. Khan enters the ring, and Nash has a funny line, comparing her to a giraffe. Khan completely botches a Spinning Back Kick... why this woman is employed by any wrestling company is beyond me. ODB rams Khan's head into a turnbuckle, but Khan no-sells it. Khan goes for a Mafia Kick, but she ends up crotching herself on the top rope. I'll let you puzzle out the details on that. Khan falls to the outside, and Saeed come in to take her place. Saeed is dressed in a new outfit, which I can best describe as "gay ninja with a bedazzler". ODB quickly disposes of Saeed as well, sending her out of the ring after a pair of Clotheslines. ODB finally comes face to face with Kong, and starts peppering her with punches, prompting a misplaced Muhammed Ali reference from Booker. ODB goes for the ten-punch on Kong in the corner, as the rest of the Kongtourage re-enter the ring. ODB suddenly leaps away from Kong, delivering a second rope Diving Cross Body to Khan, Bolt and Saeed. ODB level each of Kong's kronies with Standing Clotheslines, before being taken out from behind by Kong herself. The heels all start laying in the boots to ODB, with Saeed directing traffic. Kong eventually hits the Implant Buster, and that's all she wrote.

 

Winner- The Kongtourage (Kong over ODB via pinfall).

 

 

Backstage, Angle is still in Jarrett's office, raving about how great the show is going. Cornette berates Angle, and brings up the possibility that Angle's actions might force him to deal with hospital bills, or even litigation...to say nothing of a pissed off Shane McMahon. Jeremy Borash convinces Cornette to calm down, then tries to talk some sense into Angle himself. JB asks Angle to consider dropping his hostile takeover before someone gets hurt, but Angle scoffs and replies that people getting hurt is the point. He claims he evened things out by booking Sting in a handicap match against Team 3D tonight- what more do people want from him? Borash tells Angle that he's heard that Mick Foley is on the way to the arena, and Angle goes into a paroxysm of maniacal laughter and says he wants Foley to come. Angle then gets angry at Borash- he demands to know whose side Borash is on, then hands him a stack of Main Event Mafia tee-shirts and orders him to go sell them to the crowd.

 

Elsewhere, Sharmell is with referees Andrew Thomas and Rudy Charles, who are scheduled to face Booker T in yet another handicap match. Why book a match with two referees taking on a good wrestler, in a match that won't help anyone or accomplish anything? Because God hates you, that's why. Sharmell taunts the referees, saying that Booker is going to cripple them tonight, and mockingly suggesting that they put in applications to referee wheelchair basketball games. Thomas is terrified...he mumbles that he's not a wrestler, and he has a family to think of. Sharmell says that he should have thought of that before Earl Hebnur and Shane Sewell screwed with her husband (which makes NO sense). Charles is more confident (or stupid), citing the amateur credentials listed on, of all things, his TNA trading card. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

 

Andrew Thomas and Rudy Charles vs. Booker T

 

Scott Steiner replaces Booker at the announce table, while Borash hawks merch at ringside. In case you're interested, Earl Hebnur is the referee for this match.

 

Booker starts off by pie-facing Charles twice, which Thomas of course sells like he's been hit by a sledgehammer. Booker lifts Charles up for a Hook Kick, followed by an Axe Kick. He drags Charles over to Thomas and forces him to tag in. Booker then... you know what? None of this matter. It's not like this is a real match or anything. Go bust out a DVD and watch a good match, cleanse your palate. Try Mysterio/Guerrero from Halloween Havoc 1997 if you have it. I can wait.

 

Okay, back? Good. Hell of a finish, right? Anyways, Booker beat down both refs for awhile, then pinned one with a Bookend.

 

Winner- Booker T via pinfall.

 

After the match, Booker gets into Earl Hebnur's face, but Shane Sewell runs out for the save...or not. Booker beats Sewell down handily, then leaves him lifeless with an Axe Kick. Sewell joins the ever growing ranks of ineffectual and worthless TNA babyfaces.

 

In Jarrett's office, Kurt Angle is trying to get the production guys to focus on hotties in the crowd. His efforts are interrupted by the arrival of Sting, wearing Prince's outfit from the cover of Purple Rain. The Artist formerly known as Blade Runner Flash confronts Angle, saying he knows what Angle is up to, booking him in tonight's handicap match. Angle plays dumb, saying Sting is the TNA World Heavyweight Champion- can't he beat two guys that have to tag in and out of the match? Sting reminds Angle that in two weeks, they'll both be in the same ring with Team 3D, and Angle can either have Sting as his friend or his enemy.

 

Elsewhere backstage, Sharmell is with Matt Morgan. She announces that in Morgan's match against Petey Williams tonight, Williams will have one hand tied behind his back. Morgan completely buries Williams, reminding us all that in the eyes of TNA, Petey is and always will be nothing more than a mid-card joke. Morgan then makes some generic threats towards Abyss.

 

 

Matt Morgan vs. Petey Williams

 

While introducing Williams, Scott Steiner launches into an anti-Canadian rant, imploring Barack Obama to build a wall blocking off the US's northern border. As promised, Williams has one hand tied behindhis back for this match.

 

Morgan starts the match on his knees, taunting Williams, but he quickly eats a Dropkick and starts taking things seriously again. Williams uses his speed and small size to dodge Morgan's punches and the Carbon Footprint, all the while delivering leg kicks to bring the bigger man down to size. Morgan chases Williams around the ring, eventually catching him by the throat, but Petey escapes again with another sharp leg kick. Morgan finally takes control with a big Falling Clothesline, followed by some Alternating Back Elbow Strikes in the corner, a big Running Body Avalanche and a Sidewalk Slam. Morgan covers Williams, but breaks the pin at two to deal some more damage. Morgan begins to work on William's untied arm. He hits a Fall-Away Slam and covers Petey again, but again breaks the pin. Steiner begins yelling suggestions to Morgan from ringside, but while Morgan is distracted, Williams manages to free his trapped arm. After playing possum for a few moments, Williams explodes with a flurry of punches and a few Flying Forearms, but he just bounces off of Morgan's massive frame. Williams connects with a Slingshot Lung-Blower, but Morgan is only staggered. With a Missile Dropkick, Williams finally takes Morgan off his feet. Steiner hops up on the apron, but Petey knocks him off with a Dropkick. The distraction serves its purpose though, as it gives Morgan time to recover, and Williams turns around and walks right into the Carbon Footprint.

 

Winner- Matt Morgan via pinfall.

 

 

After the match, Morgan delivers the Hellevator to Williams, which is apparently now called the Blueprint Bomb. Steiner follows up, slapping on the Steiner Recliner. Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed and Eric Young run out to (in theory) make the save, but Booker runs out and helps Steiner and Morgan destroy the babyfaces, while still calling the match no less. I'm surprised they didn't put the X Division title on Sharmell tonight.

 

After a commercial break and some clips from earlier tonight- as if anyone wanted to visit any of it- Team 3D head out to the ring, stopping briefly to stare down Booker and Kevin Nash on their way down the ramp. Brother Ray grabs a microphone and cuts a promo saying that he actually feels bad for Sting tonight. He and Devon don't really want to face Sting in a handicap match, but Kurt Angle has put Sting into a corner, and now Sting will have to fight his way out against one of the greatest tag teams that has ever existed. Ray says that "seven or eight week ago", when the Main Event Mafia took him out, Sting did nothing by stand by and watch. Ray asks Sting why he didn't do anything then, and why he continues to lie to himself and to the fans now. Ray tells Sting not to take the ass whipping he takes tonight personally, because when either Ray or Brother Devon wins the TNA Heavyweight Championship at Against All Odds, they won't take beating Sting personally either. I know, that didn't make a lick of fucking sense.

 

Team 3D vs. Sting

 

Scott Steiner announces Team 3D as "hailing from Dunkin' Donuts"...he's actually pretty funny in this role.

 

Sting and Devon start things off. Devon alternates between working on Sting's arm and head with basic holds. Brother Ray tags in and hits a few Clotheslines. Boring match so far. Devon tags back in and hits a Tornado Shoulder Block. Sting bails out of the ring and starts heading towards the back, but Steiner intercepts him for a quick discussion. Ray heads out and attacks Steiner, then tosses Sting back into the ring. Before Ray can get back in, Steiner attacks him from behind, while Sting locks up with Devon, taking us into a break.

 

When we come back, Steiner has disappeared, but Sting has the upper hand in the ring with Devon. Mutual Clotheslines take both men down, and Devon manages to make the tag to Ray. Ray comes in with a flurry of right hands, Clotheslines and a Sidewalk Slam. Steiner makes a reappearance distracting the referee, and Kurt Angle runs out from the back to hit Ray with a Low Blow. I thought the point of this match was he wanted Team 3D to soften Sting up? Whatever. Sting hits Devon with a shitty Stinger Splash, then goes for the ten punches in the corner. Ray nails Sting from behind, and Team 3D hits an ugly looking Doomsday Device. Angle slides into the ring again and blatantly attacks Ray in front of the referee, for the cheap disqualification.

 

Winners- Team 3D via disqualification.

 

 

After the match, the Main Event Mafia start laying a beating on the babyfaces. What a novel concept. Booker heads down to ringside and produces a table. Angle and Booker start to set the table up in the ring, when suddenly Mick Foley's music plays. Foley, Abyss and LAX all run out and chase the Mafia away, and I want to call bullshit on that. Where were Abyss and LAX earlier? Did they all carpool in with Foley? I know Foley's known to be a cheap guy, but are gas prices really that bad? And what kind of company doesn't expect its performers to show up until an hour into a live show?

 

After a break, Foley, Abyss and LAX are still in the ring, while the Mafia continue to mill around ringside. Foley announces that the Mafia's little takeover is over, and now he has some announcements to make. Foley says that when Hernandez cashed in his Feast or Fired title match two weeks ago, he was screwed over by Mafia interference. To make things right, Foley promises Hernandez another TNA World Heavyweight Championship match at a future date. Foley says that since Scott Steiner seems to life to play with weapons, tonight he'll face Abyss in a Weapons match, but with a twist- only Abyss will be allowed to use any of the plunder. Foley jokes that Steiner will be like a little boy on Christmas who finds out Santa forgot to bring him any toys. Finally, Foley says that he enjoys booking handicap matches as much as Kurt Angle does, so tonight Angle will take on both members of LAX in the main event. Booking handicap matches much be much more fun than watching them, because they've all sucked tonight.

 

Backstage, Jim Cornette has summoned the regular TNA staff for a pep talk. He says that they're back in control now, and they have a show to run. Mike Tenay and Don West head back to the announce table, and Jeremy Borash and Lauren go back to doing jobs that could be performed by a microphone duct taped to a coat rack. Cornette also makes an announcement, that Booker T will take on Shane Sewell at Against All Odds.

 

 

Steiner vs. Abyss (Weapons Match, sort of)

 

Abyss heads out to the ring followed by three roadies carrying garbage cans full of weapons. Abyss tosses about a dozen weapons into the ring, but every time he turns away, Steiner tosses the prop back out of the ring. That was funny.

 

Abyss slides into the ring to start the match, but Steiner meets him coming in with some hard boots, a few right hands and a series of knee strikes. Abyss manages to get off an Irish Whip, but he drops his head and Steiner gives him a sharp kick to the temple. Steiner runs the ropes, but eats a pair of Clotheslines and a big Body Avalanche in the corner. Abyss grabs a chair and wedges it in one of the corners. Steiner bails out of the ring and grabs a few of Abyss' toys, but Abyss follows and cuts Steiner off with a kick to the gut. Abyss rams Steiner's head into the timekeeper's bell, then throws him hard into the side of a big elevated platform the Spanish announce table sits on. Abyss charges at Steiner, but Steiner dodges and Abyss crashes right through the side of the platform. Maybe if TNA put on better matches, they could afford to make sets out of sturdier materials than balsa wood.

 

After a break, we get a bunch of replays of Abyss' crash. Awesome Kong did the same spot last year, and much better. We go back to the action in the ring, and Steiner has once again grabbed an illegal weapon, a chair in this case. The referee orders Steiner to drop it, but Steiner shoves him aside. Abyss takes the opportunity to punch the chair into his face, then smashes him over the head with a garbage can for a two count. Steiner is busted over. Steiner whips Abyss towards the chair wedged in the corner, but Abyss slings backwards, only for Steiner to catch him coming down with a kick to the crotch. Abyss used the exact same spot in his match with Beer Money Inc. last week. Steiner shoves Abyss face-first into the chair, but since Abyss set the chair up, he's not disqualified...that makes very little sense. Steiner grabs the timekeeper's bell, but Abyss grabs him by the throat and Chokeslams him onto a garbage can. Abyss snatches up the bell, but Steiner whacks it into his face with a pipe. Disqualification. Jesus wept.

 

Winner- Abyss via disqualification.

 

 

After the match, Steiner whips the weapons out of the ring (clipping a cameraman with the broken garbage can). Steiner nails Abyss with a chair shot, then chokes him with the chair. The lights go down, and Suicide comes out to make the save. I had really hoped with Kazarian's second injury, this lame duck gimmick would be forgotten. Suicide uses a Snapmare set up to ram Steiner's face into a turnbuckle, and Steiner bails out of the ring. Suicide briefly poses with Abyss before the lights go dark, and he disappears back in to video game land. So fucking stupid...like, overly tight flight suit and "Mission Accomplished" on an aircraft carrier stupid.

 

Another Brutus Magnus promo airs, showing him for the first time. Anyone expecting Russell Crowe will be greatly disappointed. Then again, if you were hoping Magnus would look like the front-man of a shitty Britpop band, you're in for a pleasant surprise.

 

Global Impact clips air next, followed by a segment that may not have been the WORST on the show tonight, but was certainly the most surreal. Backstage, Lauren attempts to interview two bull riders...and their bull. The bull riders plug the debut of Toughest Cowboy, an asinine new show by Mark Burnett that's debuting after Impact. Call it Spike TV all you want, it'll always be The Nashville Network to me. Beer Money Inc. heads over to taunt the bull riders- James Storm claims to be the greatest cowboy ever, because he rode both of their mommas last night. We quickly cut away, which is a shame, since Storm was the first worthwhile thing on my screen all night.

 

 

LAX vs. Kurt Angle

 

Angle and Homicide start off. Homicide hits a Belly to Back Takedown, but Angle reverses on the ground into a Hammerlock. Homicide rolls to his feet and hits a Drop Toe Hold, then floats through into a Front Facelock. Homicide goes to work on Angle's arm, but Angle gets a rope break, and follows up with a cheap punch to the gut. Angle whips Homicide into the ropes, but Homicide ducks a Clothesline and hits a big Headscissor Takedown. Homicide hits a Shoulder Block and tags in Hernandez. LAX double team Angle for awhile, and Homicide gets a two count. Angle comes back with a pair of European Uppercuts on Hernandez, but Hernandez catches Angle coming in and shoves him halfway across the ring. Hernandez Clotheslines Angle to the outside, then follows him out with a nice Vaulting Body Press. You know, there's nothing wrong with this match, yet I'm watching the clock just counting down the minutes until Impact ends. That says a lot.

 

Back from break, Homicide and Angle go at it. Homicide runs into a nice Tilt a Whirl Backbreaker. Angle stalks Homicide and goes for the Angle Slam, but Homicide escapes. Angle quickly applies the Ankle Lock, but Homicide kicks him off. Angle goes for the Angle Slam again, but Homicide counters into an Elevated DDT. Homicide makes the tag to Hernandez, but Angle has the referee distracted. Hernandez is forced back out of the ring, while Angle lays in the boots to Homicide. Angle slaps on a Reverse Chin Lock, but Homicide punches his way out. He catches a kick from Angle and hits a Dragon Screw. Homicide tries for a Single Leg Boston Crab, but Angle kicks him off. Homicide tries the Gringo Cutter, but Angle counters again with a Rolling Body Scissors into the Ankle Lock. Homicide rolls through, sending Angle into a Slingshot Shoulder Block from Hernandez. The referee who was so concerned with LAX making the tag a few minutes ago doesn't seem to care anymore. Hernandez uses his shirt to launch Angle across the ring with a Biel Toss, following that with a Scoop Sit-Out Powerbomb. Hernandez goes for the Border Toss, but Angle escapes. Hernandez charges at Angle, but gets sent hard into the post, crashing to the outside. Homicide goes for a quick Schoolboy for a long two count. Angle comes back, but eats a Gringo Cutter. Homicide goes for the Gringo Killer, but his leg buckles, and Angle manages to hit the Angle Slam. You guessed it- Angle beats two of TNA's most important up-and-coming stars cleanly.

 

Winner- Kurt Angle via pinfall.

 

 

The show ends with a cutaway to a shot of the back of Samoa Joe's head. Joe teases his return, then turns around, revealing his new war paint/facial tattoos. So much for Joe being the one Samoan wrestler to reject stereotypes.

 

 

Final Thoughts-

 

To paraphrase Jerry Holkins, if I have to watch another show like tonight's Impact, I'm going to kill myself. Others may die also...I'm going to play it by ear.

 

You know, I once said that wrestling can be judged by the same merits as porn- a good story is nice, but that's really not why you're watching. As bad as Vince Russo's writing is and always has been, as long as the matches delivered, I was willing to be a TNA fan. Tonight though was too much. If this is the product TNA wants to sell, I don't want to buy it, and I won't be watching much longer.

 

I like the stars of TNA. If they run another house show in Oshawa, I'll be there to buy a ticket. I might even catch the odd TNA pay per view, if there's nothing else going on. As of right now though, I have absolutely no desire to ever see Impact again, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels that way.