LAW

WWE Raw Report - Heyman Fakes a Heart Attack

Sean Balfour / November 13, 2012 - 2:08pm

Alright Raw, you have my interest tonight. The return of Jerry Lawler, the mild intrigue of Brad Maddox, and the just announced main event featuring your only two real stars…let’s see if you can’t hit a home run tonight!

First we get the standard Veterans Day video package, then the Todd Pettengil voice is back letting us all know what to expect tonight.

The show starts out live with Cole and JR the only ones at the desk.  Randy Orton comes out, looking ready to fight.

MATCH # 1 RANDY ORTON vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER

The match starts with a good pace as the two trade offensive kicks and slams. Ziggler does his elbow spot where he hits several, which I invented in “RAW vs. SMACKDOWN 2006” with JBL as my character…I called them the “JB-elbows” and I hit all 5 every time…okay, back to reporting on real stuff.  Orton hits the draping DDT, but Del Rio provides the distraction.  Ziggler tries to capitalize but Orton is too smart for it and wins with a roll up (believe it or not).

Winner – Randy Orton

After the match, Ricardo & Del Rio try to double team Orton but Kofi Kingston runs out and makes the save.

Teddy Long comes out and gives some flimsy excuse as to why he can make matches, and makes an impromptu tag match…whatever.

MATCH # 2 RANDY ORTON & KOFI KINGSTON vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER & ALBERTO DEL RIO

Kofi starts and gets the better of Dolph, hitting a dropkick. Through the magic of TV the heels come back from the break with the advantage.  Ziggler hits a dropkick, but Orton breaks up a near fall.  Ziggler applies his headstand headlock, and a bridge.  Ziggler misses a splash and this allows a tag out. Orton scoop slams Del Rio and Kofi blind tags, hitting a cross body off the top and an SOS.  Orton takes Ziggler to the outside as Kofi tries to set up for the TIP.  Ricardo distracts him and Del Rio hits an enziguiri which is enough to beat Kofi these days.

Winners – Alberto Del Rio & Dolph Ziggler

They announce “The Kings emotional return tonight!” why can’t they just let it be emotional, rather than promoting it as emotional?

Before we can get through that, we have to deal with Vicky.  Ziggler is with her in the ring.  He defines a scandal.  He talks about wrestling two matches (just to show off).  He says that he wants the truth.  He recaps the events involving AJ & Cena.  He calls getting into an elevator “second base”, what a geek!

Vicky proceeds to trash talk AJ.  She calls her a love struck little girl.  She asks AJ to come out because this time she has evidence that she can’t talk herself out of.  AJ does come out this time, and asks Vicky why she’s doing this. Vicky just asks her to admit that she had an affair.  AJ says that she’s not going to lie just because Vicky is her boss.  Vicky prods her some more, trying to get her to admit it…AJ teases admitting it, but says that they are just friends.  AJ says that Vicky is doing this because she is jealous of her accomplishments, and the fact that AJ could embarrass her in the ring.  She makes a fat joke.  Vicky is fed up, so she goes on to play some voicemail messages.  You can hear AJ who called “John” and said that last night was a mistake. And that she wants to stop, but she loses control.  AJ seems confused, claiming that although it’s her voice, she’s never left those messages. (Maybe she used AJ’s character from WWE 13?)  Ziggler teases her and says “you can’t see him.”

Cena has had enough, he storms to the ring, and AJ holds him back before slapping Ziggler herself.  Cena gets a shot in and kicks his MITB briefcase to the side.


In the back, AJ and Cena try to sum up the situation.  Cena says that Vicky and Dolph are obsessing over something that never happened and never would happen.  AJ questions “never would happen?” Cena retracts that and shares an awkward moment before taking off, leaving AJ somewhat smitten.  Okay, I got it; AJ is feeding Vicky evidence of a fake scandal in an attempt to bring her closer to John so he’ll fall for her and she can accompany him to all the main events…I told you that bitch is crazy!

I can’t believe it but we are watching a recap of a recap.  We see Cole recapping something that happened in a pub with Big Show & Sheamus.

MATCH # 2 BIG SHOW vs. WILLIAM REGAL

Great to see Regal in the mix, he’s like Ric Flair to me…just better with age.  Show slaps his chest.  He pounds Regal to the ground.  He sustains Regals best shots then slams him.  He misses an elbow drop but hits a choke slam and gets an easy win.  Regals Chest is bright red, almost blistered.

Winner – Big Show

Show is thinking about the KO punch but Sheamus runs out and tackles him.  Big Show gets away as Sheamus stands tall and looks over Regal.

MATCH # 3 KAITLYN vs. LAYLA

The winner will get to lose to Eve on Sunday.  Eve is out at the desk talking about both girls not being deserving.  The two trade roll up attempts.  Layla hits a face plant.  She goes to the second rope and tries a cross body but gets caught and Kaitlyn hits her generic drop for the win.

Winner- Kaitlyn.

Okay this is weird…they recap the Lawler incident, going to far as to highlight him keeled over and accentuate his heavy breathing…I really feel like this is going to be an angle somehow, it’s being sensationalized.  But you know if anyone would be okay with this, it’s Lawler…at least we didn’t undergo a sketch with Vince performing heart surgery.
And now the moment of truth, Cole and JR stand in the ring and welcome back Jerry Lawler.  Lawler gets a great reaction as he walks down the ramp (looking as good as ever) Lawler hugs JR and even Cole (after a fun stare down).  Lawler thanks the crowd and says he’s feeling overwhelmed.  He says that at one point he didn’t think he’d ever be able to step in a WWE ring again.  He talks about “It’ a wonderful life” and says that he had no idea how many friends and love and support he had.

CM Punk interrupts Jerry Lawler! Amazing! Punk is laughing and smiling as Heyman accompanies him.  Cole talks about the issues that the two have had, and how Lawler calling him out has been a catalyst for Punks new attitude.  Cole calls it the ultimate disrespect. 

Punk stares right at Lawler (who is outside the ring).  He tells Lawler that if he hadn’t left the ring he would have “beaten him to death, again!”  Punk calls Lawler a conquering hero, but says that his behavior is disrespectful.  He says that a 62 year old man who puts on his ring gear and tries to go at it with the best in the world is in bad taste.  He basically takes credit for the heart attack, but of course he says that Lawler got what he deserved for trying to steal his spotlight.  He says that the number of minutes that Lawler was clinically dead isn’t as important as the number of days he’s had the title.  He says that he just tied Diesel for the 9th longest title reign, and as of next Monday, he will be at one year, because he will defeat Ryback and Cena.  He turns to King and says that he’s glad that he’s back because he wants him to have a front row seat as he defends his title on Sunday. He tells Lawler to try not to croak before the PPV. 

Remember when I said that at least we didn’t have to see and horrible sketch with Vince performing heart surgery? Well what happens next puts that idea to shame!  Paul Heyman fakes a heart attack (not a cartoony, quick heart attack) he breathes heavily, coughs, loosens his tie, and collapses.  Punk throws up the X and performs CPR (punk however does overplay it).  Eventually Heyman gets up and points and laughs at Lawler.  As tasteless as this all is, I know If it were me, I’d want to turn it into an angle…and I know that Lawler feels that way, this was probably his idea…so I’m actually okay with it.

Mick Foley comes out to confront Punk.  Cole apologizes for the tasteless and despicable display.  Foley shows his displeasure with Punks lack of respect for Lawler.  Punk laughs it off and tells Foley that they are no longer opponents in any way at Survivor Series and they have no business together, and he should worry about filling the hole in his team.  Foley says that the WWE universe will pick Foleys last team member.  Punk says that Foley’s team is worthless.  Foley says that he was looking forward to teaching Punk a lesson, and he’s not happy about the team switch.  He gets really fired up as he talks about Lawler being dead, and it was a miracle that the brought him back.  He says that Punk thinks that everything revolves around him, but it doesn’t.  Foley informs Punk that he will be the special guest enforcer for his match with Cena tonight.

Brad Maddox is in the back stretching.  He has a camera guy taping a YouTube show.

In the back, Punk demands that Heyman fixes the Foley situation.  Heyman looks concerned. Lawler is back at the desk with Cole.  He says that he didn’t expect anything more or less from Punk tonight.  It’s just Cole and Lawler.  Lawler says that he’s sick of Cole already.

MATCH # 4 SIN CARA & MYSTERIO & JUSTIN GABRIEL & TYSON KIDD vs. P.T.P. & PRIMO & EPICO

There’s a lot going on in this one.  Just the spots – PTP double teams Gabriel. Ricardo Rodriguez comes out and hands Rosa a note, which leaves her smiling. Mysterio hits a nice sequence with flipping Primo over the rope and hitting a moonsault.  Titus hits Rey with a backbreaker. He applies a bear hug. The heels cycle through and work on Rey.  He gets away from Young and tags in Kidd who hits a splash and a baseball slide.  He repeats some icks to the head and hits a blockbuster off the top rope. The team mates trade off signature moves, Rey hits a senton, Cara hits a splash off the top to the floor.  Kidd sets up Young for the 619 and Rey hits it.  He tags in Gabriel who hits a 450 and gets the pin.

Winners – Gabrisinsteridd (still a better name than Fandangoo!)

Paul Heyman meets up with Brad Maddox.  He tells the YouTube camera guy to shut off for a second, and walks Maddox away as he tries to pitch something to him.

In the back, Miz chats with Ziggler.  Dolph wants him to beg to be on his team, but Miz just makes fun of Ziggler losing to Orton and being slapped by a girl earlier.  Foley walks by and they start chatting about team superiority.  Ziggler says that he’ll put up Team Rhodes Scholars against any two men from Foleys team tonight.  Foley goes with Kane and whoever gets voted in later.  Ziggler leaves.  Foley and Miz talk about not getting along, but Miz says that he wants to beat team Ziggler and asks to be put on the ballot.  Foley agrees, but says he doesn’t like Miz’ chances.

The choices are Miz, Zack Ryder & Santino. If there were ever a softball thrown Miz’ way, this is it…I bet he still loses!

Antonio Cesaro walks out before R Truths match.  He calls Truth someone who used to be taken seriously, but now he’s just a joke…much like the U.S. (I’ll bet Cesaro would be cheered in Canada)

MATCH # 5 R TRUTH vs. TENSAI

Lawler chats with Cesaro at ringside, calling his satchel a man purse.  Truth hits a dropkick and axe kick, as well as a heel kick. He finishes with a “Little Jimmy” and wins it quickly.

Winner – R Truth

Cesaro tries to cut a promo but Truth grabs the mic and tells a knock knock joke. “Europe in my face right now, but I’m gonna kick your teeth down your esophagus”.  Not interested.

At this point, they play about 90 different recaps…virtually recapping the entire show.  Why is this three hours?

MATCH # 6 BRAD MADDOX vs. RYBACK

Maddox comes out with no music.  An ambulance backs into the arena to which Lawler says “my rides here!” (Pretty great)  Maddox looks concerned.  I guess they assume that Maddox will need it.

An insert promo shows Maddox saying that win or lose, tonight is the greatest night of his life, and after tonight nobody will forget the name…I forget.

Everything about Maddox’s motives are very baby face to me…his low blow maybe wasn’t, but the fact that he’s willing to face certain doom to live his dream is heroic.
EMT’s come out with a stretcher.  Maddox reluctantly gets in the ring only to break the count and slides right out again.  He finally gets into his corner and Ryback catches him and shoves him down.  Ryback slams him down and bashes his head off the mat repeatedly.  Ryback tosses him neck first into the turnbuckle (Maddox sure does bump sloppy).  He hits a bulldog slam and a meat hook over the top rope.  Ryback hits three consecutive power bombs.  He hits another meat hook.  He sets up for the shell shock and hits it. Three count.

Winner – Ryback

Maddox gets put on the stretcher but Ryback turns it over and beats down Maddox some more.  He hits another meat hook.  He carries Maddox up the ramp and slams him into the ambulance.  He tosses him into the ambulance and chants. (This should be what Ryback does with every opponent after the match!)

MATCH # 7 SHEAMUS vs. DAVID OTUNGA

Otunga poses, but Sheamus goes on the attack.  He hits white noise in about a minute as Regal and Aksana & McGillicutty look on from the back (I don’t really know what the relation is there).  Brogue kick, done.  Pin me, pay me.

Winner – Sheamus

Sheamus cuts generic promo #4 on Big Show.  Show appears on screen beating up Regal, and hits him with a KO punch.

In the back, Daniel Bryan angrily wishes Kane luck with his new partner.  Bryan says that he would refuse if he was asked to team with anyone else…he says that they can go to Foley together and say that they refuse to separate as a team.  By the time Bryan turns around Kane is already gone.  Bryan and Kane have great comedic timing, I am a fan.  Bryan starts shouting “No!”

The big reveal…who will be on Team Foley?  It’s, it’s…The Miz! I wonder if they rigged this one. Either way I’m certain he’s doing the false baby face thing…he’s gonna turn on his team on Sunday, you heard it here first.  Bryan comes out and passively tries to support his team, shaking hands with Miz and cheering on Kane.

MATCH # 8 RHODES SCHOLARS vs. KANE & MIZ

Kane hits Sandow with a suplex and tags in Miz.  Miz keeps control and tags in Kane (they are working well together).  Kane drags in Cody, who was tagged.  The crowd chants “Miz is awesome” (maybe I’m wrong, maybe there’s some substance to this face run) Miz hits an axe handle off the apron but falls to a disaster kick. Sandow comes in and hits a leg sweep and the elbow of distain. Bryan cheers on Miz (somewhat sarcastically). Miz hits a neck breaker. Kane tags in and hits Cody with a shoulder tackle and a clothesline.  He hits a side slam. He hits the top rope clothesline and also takes out Sandow.  Bryan tries to interfere by attacking Miz, but Miz reverses the attack and allows Kane to get the upper hand and hit a chokeslam for the win.

Winners – Kane & Miz
After the match, Bryan and Miz argue as Kane is stuck in the middle.

MATCH # 9 JOHN CENA vs. CM PUNK

Foley comes out to stand on the outside as the “enforcer”.  Cena and Punk tie up. Punk gets the first takedown but Cena leapfrogs him and hits an arm drag takedown as the crowd is very vocal with Cena chants (both kinds).  Punk hits a dive through the ropes and gets the upper hand. Cena attempts a quick backslide.  Punk applies a headlock and turns it into a sleeper hold.  Cena fights out of it and the two trade kicks and punches. Cena hits some tackles and a side slam.  Punk hits a neck breaker.  Punk hits a high knee and a macho man elbow, but he misses!  Cena misses a five knuckle shuffle but hits a side slam.  Punk connects with some nice kicks and calls for the GTS.  Cena reverses into an AA but Punk reverses into an anaconda vice.  Cena gets to the ropes.  Punk misses his flying clothesline and Cena turns it into an STF.  Heyman comes in with intentions of getting a DQ but Cena catches him and Foley drags him out of the ring.  The distraction allows Punk to hit a kick to the head.  Cena reverses an STF and turns it right into the STF (looked good!) Punk squirms and makes it to the ropes.  Punk tries to crawl up the ramp, as he starts limping.  Ryback greets him at the top of the ramp, as Cena tosses him back in and hits the AA for the win.

Winner – John Cena

Ryback is left alone with Cena in the ring. He stands over the title belt which lies in the ring and stares at Cena.  The Crowd chants “feed me more” as both men try to pick up the belt.  The final visual is Ryback and Cena tugging at the belt as Punk stands in the background concerned, saying “it’s mine”

Well I must say that I had anticipated tonight’s show more than most with the return of Jerry Lawler and the intrigue of a couple of storylines going in.  The show didn’t fire on all cylinders and to be honest, by then end of the night I wasn’t even thinking about how amazing it is to hear Lawler on commentary again (credit to him for getting right back into the flow).  I’m sure a lot of people would be offended by the angle with Heyman and Punk, but I am not one of them.  Perhaps Lawler and Heyman will have a spat or perhaps Cole will come to his aid! Either way, with three hours to fill I welcome anything that’s fresh and different.  It’s interesting to see where things go with Maddox, given that he was seen talking to Heyman I would assume that we haven’t heard the last of him.  I’ll guess that he jumps in on Sunday and takes Ryback out of the equation…or perhaps he will come out in his ref shirt with Vicky and call for the bell early as Punk applies a sharpshooter (for the record, I don’t want that to happen, but let’s face it…it might)

And now for my odds, including Survivor Series Picks.

Antonio Cesaro (-300) over R Truth (+280)

Big Show (-120) over Sheamus (even)

Eve (-140) over Kaitlyn (+130)

Team Ziggler (-250) over Team Foley (+ 220)

Odds that Miz turns on his team 1-1

CM PUNK (-120) over John Cena (even) and Ryback (+210) to keep the title

Odds that the main event has a blatant screw job finish 1-1

Odds that Ziggler cashes in on Sunday 4-1

Odds that Fandango’s gimmick is a guy who comes out in the middle of matches and takes the place of one of the superstars after asking “you mind if I cut in?”  2-1

Odds that Bryan finds evidence of Kane fraternizing with other tag team partners 4-1

Odds that years of steroids have caused AJ to look at Cena naked and say “I can’t see it” 5-1

Leave your comments folks! I wanna hear your Survivor Series Predictions!  I will not be reporting next week (yes it’s gambling related) so I hope to catch up with everyone in two weeks and hopefully by then Tensai will be fired, Maddox will be in the main event and 3MB will have saved wrestling…Babbby!