Tonight’s Raw is a special three hour edition and the “Go home” show for Extreme Rules. Lesnar and Cena are doing the old contract signing angle tonight, so let’s get this party started.
The show kicks off with Teddy Long in the ring to preside over the contract signing. He introduces John Cena first. Cole and Lawler bring up Cena’s losing streak. Teddy announces Lesnar and his music plays, but instead we get John Laurinaitis, who comes to the ramp. Johnny tells Teddy that Brock isn’t here yet, and blames him for the false start. Johnny mumbles through the rest of his lines, but he basically orders Teddy to kick Cena out of the ring. Johnny is about to bore us some more but he’s interrupted by none other than Edge!
Now we’ve got the new hall of famer in the ring with Cena, and a board room set up (interesting). Edge gets a nice response. He says that he’s not scheduled to be here, and in a couple days he won’t even be contracted by the WWE. He says he came out to talk to John Cena, but not the one in the ring (oh brother…more “embrace the hate”?) Edge says that the Cena he knows is the greatest rival he’s ever had, and brings up some of their memorable matches. Edge theorizes that his big loss to The Rock might have rattled him. Edge, with much intensity, tells Cena that he has to find a way to win. Despite their differences, Edge talks about the two of them loving this business. He says that Brock only cares about money, and Cena needs to wake up and represent guys like him and Undertaker, and Michaels. Edge finishes by saying that he’s not asking Cena to beat Lesnar, he’s telling him to! (Edge needs to stay in this business. This was one of the best promos I have ever seen from him. And he really did a lot in the way of establishing what Cena has on the line, this was just great)
MATCH #1 CHRIS JERICHO vs KOFI KINGSTON
Nice to see Jericho back in action, light bright jacket and all! They are calling Jericho the new Cerebral assassin (ironic seeing as he came back because everyone was copying HIM)
The match starts with a quick pace, and Kofi hits all the offence. Jericho turns the tables with a thumb to the eye. Kofi hits a springboard elbow. Jericho hits a flapjack. Jericho retreats to the outside, but Kofi hits an amazing summersault dive over the top rope, with a lot of height. Jericho fights his way back with an insigiri and a bulldog, but he misses the lionsault. Kofi with a brief burst of offence, he hits a cross-body off the top, and an SOS pin for a two count. Kofi hits a cross-body onto Jericho’s back, and a boom drop. Jericho reverses the TIP and attempts the walls of Jericho. Kofi breaks out and hits the top rope. He jumps right into a nasty looking code-breaker and a Walls of Jericho for the submission
Winner – Chris Jericho via submission
After the match, Jericho says that he will become champion. He takes more shots at CM Punks family, and calls Punk a failier as a champion and a human being. Jericho says that he has a gift for Punk, and it will help him cope with losing the title this Sunday. He finishes off by calling himself the best in the world at everything he does.
Now we see a clip of Brock Lesnar in his PPV debut, where he decimates Jeff Hardy (they should go through clips of Brock destroying all of TNA’s top stars)
In the back, John Laurinaitis runs into Eve. He tells her that he’s got a position for her. He hires Eve as his new executive administrator. Johnny tries to seal the deal with a hug, but Eve goes for the handshake instead (awkward).
And now we see another clip of Lesnar. This one shows some of his comments from last week.
In the back, CM Punk talks to Josh Mathews. Punk holds up a basket of Liquor (Jericho’s gift). Punk sarcastically thanks Jericho, and grabs a bottle of whisky. He gives the rest of the basket to Josh. (I guess Punk likes to cook with some whisky?)
MATCH #2 R TRUTH vs LORD TENSAI
Sakamoto comes out and tosses the salt. Upon his entrance, we see an insert promo with Tensai speaking some pretty convincing Japanese (I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so…it’s a song.)
Lots of Albert chants…and then nothing. This guy loses heat quicker than my salmon and mashed potatoes. It’s all Tensai in this one. He ends it with some mist to the claw, and then turns the claw into a take-down and a pin
Winner – Lord Tensai via pinfall
Kane is out next. Apparently he’s got a special message. Kane calls Extreme Rules his favorite night of the yea(some life) and says that Orton can’t beat him with rules, much less without them. Kane says that he saw fear in Orton’s eyes, and he’s disappointed that Orton is not a man, or The Viper, but he’s just a scared little boy who want the nightmare to go away. Kane calls himself the monster that haunts Orton (is he gearing up for “See No Evil 2: Hate is blind”?)
Orton pops up on the Tron. He says that he has to return the favor for beating up his father. The camera pans to reveal Kanes father (no, not the one that he burned alive when he was a kid, rather his biological father, Paul Bearer) tied up in a chair. Orton wheels Paul into a big steam room (or freezer?) Kane laughs it off and says he could care less about Paul…and he believes that the devil is his real father. This is nothing for Paul…he’s been encased in concrete and thrown off a building; this is child’s play.
Orton comes down the ramp and attacks Kane. He grabs a pipe and hits Kane a few times. Kane retreats through the crowd.
Alright, we are one hour in and no crap yet. So far so good!
In the back, and Alex Riley runs into Chris Jericho. He says that he saw Punk drinking from the gift basket that Jericho gave him. Jericho seems suspicious, so he goes to the locker room and peeks in. He sees Punk drinking from a plastic cup, and the bottle beside him on the table. Jericho can’t believe it, but it’s true…A-Ry is on Raw!
MATCH #3 CODY RHODES & ALBERTO DEL RIO vs BIG SHOW & KHALI
Show and Rhodes have been announced for Sunday. No word yet on the stipulations.
Khali starts off with Cody (much to his shaggrin). Khali chops the leg of Cody. Del Rio comes in and Khali knocks him down, and delivers a chop (what else?) Big Show comes in and gets low bridged by Cody, falling all the way to the outside and hurting his knee. Show avoids the count-out, but the heels continue to work the leg. Rhodes hits a figure four, but Show reverses it. He swats off Del Rio, who leaves the match. Rhodes left all alone, gets chopped by Khali and choke-slammed by Big Show.
Winners – Big Show & Khali via pinfall
WWE is cashing in on the pre-show market. Exclusively on You Tube this Sunday at 7:30PM, you can see The Miz vs Santino for the US title…poor Miz…poor Santino…poor U.S. Title.
In the back, Jericho talks with John Laurinaitis. He says that Punk is drinking on the Job and he should be stripped of the title. Eve, who is all of a sudden a law major, says that it is within policy for a WWE performer to not drink within a 12 hour period of an event (how did Austin get away with it?) Laurinaitis says that he would need solid proof. Jericho suggests an onsite sobriety test. Teddy takes issue with publicly humiliating Punk. John and Eve gang up on Teddy, and force him to be the one to give Punk the test.
In the back, Josh catches up with Brock Lesnar. He asks where he was at the start of the show. He asks if he’s confident that he could be the face of WWE if he loses to Cena. Lesnar pins Josh up against a truck, and after teasing letting him go, he attacks him and tosses him to the ground. Lesnar looks like a real badass!
Back from the break, Josh Mathews is doing a stretcher job (he is NOT tough enough)
MATCH # 4 NIKKI BELLA vs BETH PHOENIX
Before the match can start, Eve comes to the ramp (tramp ramp?) She turns the match into a lumber Jill match. All the other divas come out.
Beth hits a military press slam on Nikki. Nikki hits a sloppy bulldog. Beth tosses Nikki to the outside, but nobody comes after her. Beth appears to actually twist her ankle exiting the ring. She labors and limps through the finish. Brie attacks Beth and all the divas pile on her. Beth is crying in pain, the ref offers to stop the match, but Beth plows through and Nikki rolls her up for the win.
Winner – Nikki Bella via pinfall
Nikki is the new Divas champ. Poor Beth, she looks really hurt.
In the back, Punk is playing drunk (pretty well too). He bashes a stool and stumbles around. Okay, we all see what’s coming here (set up on Jericho)…but I still think this is great.
Teddy is standing in the ring, with some Cops. Jericho comes out and insists on being there to make sure the test is done right. He says that he wants Teddy to strip Punk of the title and give it to Jericho. Teddy brings out Punk.
Punk saunters down to the ring, looking tipsy. He even drops the title, and fumbles around. He says the whole thing is ridiculous and even calls it WWF (amazing!)
The “Cop” asks Punk to say the alphabet backwards. Punk makes some jokes, and fumbles through 3 letters, and calls the whole thing stupid. Next Punk has to walk along a red line. Punk is very entertaining through this whole thing. He stumbles over the line, and fails. Jericho chimes in and says that Punk is drunk and Teddy should strip him of the title. The other “Cop” says that Punk is obviously intoxicated.
Teddy is about to strip Punk of the title. Punk asks for one more chance. Jericho needles Punk. He starts to do the alphabet backwards and walk the line forwards and backwards. Then he attacks Jericho with the mic and beats him down all over the arena. Jericho retreats and Teddy gives the title back to Punk.
Another clip of Brock…and he’s beating up Hulk Hogan (I was right!)
MATCH # 5 SHEAMUS vs MARK HENRY
Is there a special guest referee in this match? Yes. Yes! Yes! It’s Daniel Bryan. Funny enough, Bryan looks like a regular referee. Sheamus cannot touch a ref again, or he’ll be fired. The “yes” came out for this one.
Bryan taunts Sheamus and Henry blindsides him. Bryan counts three as fast as possible and awards the win to Henry
Winner – Mark Henry via fast count.
After the match, Bryan throws the Ref shirt at Sheamus. Sheamus attacks Bryan, and brogue kicks Henry. The distraction allows Bryan to hit a kick and the “Yes lock”. The crowd popped huge for this move.
In the back, Sheamus calls Daniel Bryan a little coward, and a snake. He references what they do to snakes in Ireland.
MATCH #6 ZACK RYDER & SANTINO vs PRIMO & EPICO
The crowd is hot for Ryder. He hits the broski boot, but the heels distract him and take control. Ryder takes a beat down but gets to Santino for the hot tag. Santino does his salute dive and after getting dropkicked, he rolls right back to his feet and hits the Cobra for the win.
Winner – Santino & Ryder via pinfall.
Kane happens to walk past the freezer. He grabs Paul who thinks that Kane is there to save him. It turns out that Kane just wanted the pleasure of murdering him, so he puts Paul back in the freezer. So bizarre yet so awesome.
In the pack, Primo & Epico are bickering. AW comes in and asks why the tag champs don’t get a TV entrance or a match at Wrestlemania. He gives them his card.
So the next match is brought to us by Doritos Tacos. This is weird product placement.
MATCH # 7 BRODUS CLAY & HORNSWOGGLE vs DOLPH ZIGGLER & JACK SWAGGER
Ziggler wants to start on his knees with Hornswoggle. He traps him, and gets to his feet. Horny hits a leg takedown, and gets Brodus in. Brodus cleans house, and Vicky comes in and slaps Brodus causing the instant DQ.
Winners – Swogglesaurus
After the match, Vicky tries to make peace, but Hornswoggle bites her in the taco (see how it ties in?!) okay, okay…it was actually her butt.
Now we see Lesnar beat up Angle (yep, 3 for 3 in the TNA department)
John Laurinaitis comes out for the big contract signing. He promotes Extreme Rules as the first PPV of the People Power era. He brings out Lesnar. Lesnar hops up on the ring like it was 10 years ago. Johnny mumbles through Cena’s intro. But now it’s Cena playing games. His music hits, but Cena doesn’t come out. This sparks the split chant for Cena.
Brock seems pissed. He says he flew all the way to sign a contract, and his opponent is too scared to show up. Lesnar says that he was late showing up, because he’s got his own business to discuss with Laurinaitis. Lesnar says that he wants some changes. He’s pulling an Ultimate Warrior, and holding up the main event for Sunday. Lesnar is struggling through his promo, but essentially he says that he’s not the same naïve farm boy from 8 years ago. He says that now, he’s an enterprise, and the company needs him. Lesnar says that any decision Johnny wants to make has to run by him. Lesnar wants Vince’s private jet for every Raw appearance. Brock says he doesn’t like people, especially stupid ones (he’ll hate people power) Lesnar says he’ll show up when he wants and how he wants. He says he wont be a puppet like the others. He says he’s immune to fines, and until his demands are met, there is no match this Sunday. Finally, Lesnar wants a new name for Raw. He wants it to be called “Monday Night Raw: Starring Brock Lesnar”. Laurinaitis agrees and they shake hands. Brock needs to be a star and show tolerance. He signs the contract.
Here comes Cena. Lesnar plays it cool, staying seated. Cena has a chain around his fist. Brock eventually stands. Brock taunts Cena, asking him to sign the contract. Brock says that he feels Cena’s fear, and that it’s real. Cena signs the contract and tosses it at Lesnar. They stand across the table, and knock it down. Lesnar backs away confidently, staring at Cena as Raw goes off the air.
Wow! What a great segment to end a very strong show. Raw was in fine form tonight and it was encouraging to see that a three hour show was sustained by matches, promos and storyline. They refrained from any silly comedy segments and the show had an overall much better flow than some of the recent ones. Lesnar was a little shaky on the mic, but the point got across and the direction they are going in was stellar. Also, they made great use of Edge, and did a great job at making Cena as much of a babyface as possible. This has been a great build up for the short period of time that they have had, and it should make for a very intriguing match this Sunday!
Let me know what you thought at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks for reading, hope to catch up with you next week. And now, for fun, here are some odds.
CHRIS JERICHO def. KOFI KINGSTON via submission
LORD TENSAI def. R TRUTH via pinfall
BIG SHOW & KHALI def. CODY RHODES & ALBERTO DEL RIO via pinfall
NIKKI BELLA def. BETH PHOENIX via pinfall to become new Divas Champion
Beth appears to have injured her ankle.
MARK HENRY def. SHEAMUS with some help from special ref Daniel Bryan.
ZACK RYDER & SANTINO def. PRIMO & EPICO
BRODUS CLAY & HORNSWOGGLE def. DOLPH ZIGGLER & JACK SWAGGER
LESNAR brings the pain to Josh Mathews. He and Cena sign for Sunday. Lesnar makes some demands, baisically making him immune to WWE regulations.
Who has more lives? Paul Bearer 3-1 Tim White 3-1 Earnest “The Cat” Miller 3-1
Odds that TNA loans some talent to WWE for Brock to squash 3-1
Odds of an Ultimate Warrior vs Brock Lesnar match in the future 300-1
Odds that if there were one, both men would hold up the match for more money 1-1
Over Under on days left on the Raw roster for Jack Swagger 155
Odds that on this day, John Cena see’s clearly 2-1
AW signs who first? Epico & Primo 2-1 Mark Henry 3-1 A contract with FCW 3-1