TNA Impact Report for Aug 26
As the show hits the airwaves, TNA President Dixie Carter hits the ring and goes off on something about hard times (didn't Dusty Rhodes cut a similar promo like 25 years ago?). She says when TNA was born, the critics gave them eight weeks to succeed, yet here she stands, eight years later and TNA is more successful than ever. She says she made a promise to herself that she would never let anyone or anything hurt this company, but she now finds herself faced with the biggest threat to that promise. It's at this point that she calls out Fortune leader Ric Flair, who wastes no time accepting the invitation. However, instead of engaging in a war of words, Flair is mesmerized by Dixie's beauty and starts turning on the old Nature Boy charm. Dixie of course has none of it and says that when she first heard that Flair was on his way to TNA, she was more than thrilled to welcome him with open arms, paying no attention to the warning of Bischoff and Hogan. She says she was then proven wrong, as his latest actions have been despicable, cowardly and pathetic. Dixie says she's no longer going to show any favouritism and from this day forward, Flair is to be treated like everyone else, which is why she has decided to suspend him for 90 days without pay (she sure told him). Flair then asks if this suspension involves Fortune too. She says it's just for him and he replies that where he goes, Fortune goes and vice versa. Flair then requests that the group in question come join him in the ring and they all come out covered in Armani, stylin' and profilin.' Flair says standing in this ring right now are some of the greatest wrestlers he has ever seen in his career, to which Dixie agrees. She then re-establishes the point that Flair is the one being suspended, not Fortune. This causes the jacket to be removed and Slick Ric quickly morphs into the Nature Boy. Fortune surrounds Dixie, only for her faceless husband Serge Salinas attempts to save the day, only needing to be saved himself, after Fortune quickly puts the boots to him. Right on cue, this brings out Hulk Hogan, who leads the foursome of Mr. Anderson, Kurt Angle, The Pope and Jeff Hardy. Hogan demands that Flair tell his boys to let Mr. Dixie Carter go and Flair quickly shouts back that this isn't Hogan's fight and he doesn't want to get involved in this (although I'm sure he will). As expected, Hogan then leads the troops to the ring to surround Fortune, as they finally release the hostages. As Dixie escorts her wounded husband to the back, Hogan takes charge and says because Dixie is up to her neck in crap, he's now running this company (what a shock) and he has decided to overrule the decision to suspend Flair, because that would be too easy. He says Flair and his goons are not going to take this company over, because now they're on his watch and since Beer Money already have their hands full tonight, the other four members of Fortune will face the four men standing behind Hogan right now in tonight's main event. Before Fortune can even get a word in, the EV2.0 guys involve themselves in this chaos and continue the brawl from the last two weeks with Fortune.
After the commercial, Kurt Angle is backstage with his team members for tonight's main event, giving them a motivational speech and says they need to regain the keys to this company for Dixie tonight and put up a fight for TNA.
Match #1: Orlando Jordan vs. Samoa Joe
Jordan comes to the ring with this weird action figure, which I later discovered was a Samoa Joe action figure, which at least made a little more sense, attached to the chain around his neck. He then comes to ringside and starts to grope So Cal Val, only for Joe to interrupt the proceedings, once again without any mention of where he's been over the last month, or why he's only had two pay per view matches this year, or who kidnapped him or why Sting why etc. Joe at least looks in significantly better shape than he did a month ago, as he appears to have dropped a pound or two. Joe starts aggressively with a combination of jabs and follows it up with a running back elbow in the corner and then a Pele kick. He then applies a rear naked choke, but is backed into the corner by Jordan, who starts rubbing against him (so this is what it's come to?). Jordan then positions Joe in the corner and starts dropping punches on him while perched on the second turnbuckle. Jordan than grabs the action figure he had earlier and starts licking it like an Oreo cookie (it's not a tootsie pop, but Jordan certainly is a tootsie). Thank God Joe is able to bring this back to a wrestling match with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a senton backsplash and an exploder suplex. Joe then finishes Jordan off with the muscle buster.
Winner: Samoa Joe by pinfall
Immediately following the match, Jeff Jarrett comes out (maybe now we'll get some answers, or more likely, probably not). Jarrett says ever since Samoa Joe joined the TNA family five years ago, he has been nothing but impressive. Jarrett says he so badly wanted Joe to be part of this company and he's come a long way in those five years (let's see, five years ago he was X-Division champion and had one of the most impressive winning streaks in history. Today, he's a released hostage who hasn't had a title match in God knows how long and he's struggling to beat a Goldust wannabe. Yeah I'd say he's come a long way). I got side tracked a bit, but Jarrett apparently does have a point to this and says that he wants Samoa Joe in his corner for his upcoming match with Kevin Nash tonight. Joe declines the offer, saying he only follows one man's orders and that's himself and yada yada yada, we'll likely see him in another 30 days.
Match #2: Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash
Every time Nash comes to the ring, he looks like he just got out of bed (which he probably did). Nash tries to slide a chair in the ring, but Jarrett blocks the attempt, so Nash drags him outside and whips him into the barricade and then bounces his head off the ring steps. In the ring, Nash corners Jarrett and drives some knees into his abdomen and then delivers some elbow to his face. After what I assume was a long nap in the back, Nash finally is able to stretch his leg and starts choking Jarrett with the flat of his foot. Things go sour (I mean stay sour) as a ref bump allows Nash to think quickly and try to bounce Jarrett's head off the exposed turnbuckle, but Jarrett is one step ahead of him and it's Nash who ends up tasting steel. Jarrett then strokes Nash, I mean DELIVERS the stroke to Nash, but the ref is still down, allowing Sting, who has relocated the red face paint this week, to deliver a few bat shots to Jarrett. Nash then crawls on top for the win.
Winner: Kevin Nash by pinfall
After the match, Sting's not through as he picks Jarrett up and starts choking him with the bat. This brings out Bischoff to Hogan's music and Sting demands that he wants Hogan. Bischoff says that Sting should be careful what he asks for. Hogan is standing behind Sting, which surprises nobody and proceeds to nail him with a steel chair, leaving about a minute of grace period first, to allow Sting to finish choking the life out of Jarrett. Hogan then goes to nail Nash, but it's a lost cause, as Nash has already hit the snooze.
After the break, Hogan, in his THIRD segment of the evening is with Tommy Dreamer backstage. He tells Dreamer that his fatal four team, which at least has a better name than Fortune, has Fortune covered tonight, and requests that he calls off the EV2.0 guys. Dreamer accepts (as if he has a choice) and Hogan then has another request (yes sir, may I have another?). He says it's open season on Abyss and wants EV2.0 to take him out. Dreamer says it's no problem (but he'll find out later that it is).
Match #3: Beer Money Inc. vs. The FBI
This match is all Beer Money, which doesn't really say much for the EV2.0 guys. And this should have been the case for Samoa Joe vs. Orlando Jordan earlier. Beer Money delivers a double hiptoss into an elevated reverse press slam on Guido. Storm then hits the backstabber on Tony Luke, which Roode follows up with a nearly decapitating lariat. Storm chases Guido to the corner and gets elevated to the apron, only to deliver an enzugiri, which Roode follows with a big boot. Guido temporarily fights back, only to fall victim to a full nelson slam by Roode. Guido tries an inside cradle, but barely gets a two count. Luke comes in off the tag and doesn't fair much better as he's caught in mid air coming off the turnbuckles for a spinebuster from Roode. Beer Money then mercifully finish Luke off with the DWI.
Winners: Beer Money Inc. by pinfall
After the match, Guido gets the beer bottle treatment and tastes his own blood and then is DWI'd himself.
Out come The Beautiful People for the next segment, as Angelina Love and Velvet Sky are officially back together, if anybody cares. Angelina says she's made a lot of mistakes in her life (like right now?) and she considers herself a better person for being able to learn from those mistakes. She says friends are hard to come by in this business and she has learned to forgive and forget and her and Velvet are besties once again. TBP forever!!! (give me a break). Velvet says the next order of business to bring down the monster that the two of them have created (of course referring to Madison Rayne). This of course brings out Madison Rayne and her biker escort (things just keep getting better), who removes the helmet, only to reveal a mask underneath. Madison says if she wasn't such a class act, she'd vomit all over this ring after the garbage she's been listening to (she must have the NXT theme song downloaded to her Ipod). She then says she is going to sue TBP for copyright infringement, saying that they can no longer come out to her theme song or even refer to themselves as The Beautiful People, because Madison claims to be the only beautiful person in the ring (I don't know, maybe that biker chick has the looks too). She then calls Angelina and Velvet a pair of silcon whores (someone just lost a couple of quarters in the swear jar). Why is that Madison Rayne has to yell every word she says (are the fans at the back that hard of hearing?). She says that Velvet has always been her bitch. Of course, them be fighting words, as Velvet pounces on her former protégé and Angelina takes care of bikerella. But of course, before they can remove the mask, security comes out to separate the four.
The Motor City Machine Guns are backstage for a hidden camera interview segment in their locker room as they say that with the belts come plenty of perks, which is why they now have a free copy of Rockband and need to practice in preparation for their match tonight.
Up next is a segment involving the newest TNA tag team of Desmond Wolfe and Brutus Magnus (when did that happen?) who are with Chelsea, who is back together with Wolfe (when did that happen?). They're in one of the local malls, trying to buy new suits. Chelsea keeps whining that she's hungry and Wolfe reminds her that she ate yesterday, which was pretty funny. As Wolfe and Magnus continue on their quest to find suits, they leave Chelsea with their unlimited credit card (big mistake). Enjoyable segment!
Match #4: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Generation ME
The Hardy Boys look in great shape for this match. Wait a minute. Where am I? What year is this? Anyway, some great double team moves in the early going as Generation ME deliver a double hiptoss to Sabin, followed by a pair of cartwheels and a double low dropkick for two. Not to be outdone, Shelley delivers an inverted atomic drop to Max (which one's Max again?), followed by a low dropkick to the patella by Sabin and then Shelley runs into inverted camel clutch position, setting up a second low dropkick by Sabin, this time to the face (ouch!). The dark-haired guy (whichever one that is) tries to tag his brother, but Shelley cuts him off by stepping on his free hand. Max (I think that's right) victory rolls Shelley across the ring, allowing for the tag. Jeremy then springboard into the ring with a faceplant to Sabin, and ends up spiking him on the canvas. Max slides through the ropes with a dropkick catching a Gun with each foot. Then in one of the best moves I've ever seen (you really have to see it to appreciate it), Max utilizes his hands and feet like a trapeze artist to elevate Jeremy onto the top rope and Jeremy proceeds to deliver an unbelievable asai moonsault, shades of the Ultimo Dragon on the Guns. Back in the ring for more double teaming, Max delivers a standing moonsault to Sabin in synch with a springboard frogsplash by Jeremy. Jeremy attempts a 450 splash, but lands on the knees of Sabin and Max, who isn't aware that Sabin still has Jeremy's chest positioned on his knees, delivers a moonsault, inadvertently landing on his own brother's back. Shelley then delivers the Asai DDT, once again shades of the Ultimo Dragon, to Max and the Guns finish off their adversaries with the neckbreaker/splash combo on Jeremy. The two teams show good sportsmanship with a handshake after the match. Great match!!!
Winners: The Motor City Machine Guns by pinfall
Ric Flair is then shown throwing a shit fit backstage about being upstaged by Hogan. Sting comes from behind and starts choking Flair with the bat and says if he thinks he already has problems, he's got a bigger one now.
Two new matches are then announced for No Surrender, in addition to the championship tournament semi-finals. It'll be AJ Styles against Tommy Dreamer in an I Quit match and The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Desmond Wolfe and Brutus Magnus for the Tag titles (how did that happen?).
Cameras then cut to the parking garage, where Stevie Richards is assaulting Abyss. Abyss fights back and attempts to use Janice, but Stevie avoids it and lives to see another day. Abyss then regains the upper hand and tells Stevie to tell his buddies that what happened to RVD is going to happen to each of them.
Rhino can't take it anymore and comes to the ring to call out Abyss (he can't find the parking lot?). Abyss is more than willing to answer the call, and he and Rhino fight to the equipment area. Rhino avoids being chokeslammed through the announce table and is finally able to deliver a gore that floors the monster and apparently this is what qualifies as "taking him out" (I smell pay per view match).
Match #5: AJ Styles, Kazarian, Matt Morgan and Douglas Williams vs. Mr. Anderson, The Pope, Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle
Anderson comes out and serves up what he thinks is some good home cookin' on the microphone. But in reality, the only thing on the menu is the usual. Kazarian attempts to slap a few more words into Anderson's promos, which draws the ire of the Green Bay name changer, who answers back with a hiptoss, a slam and then a slap of his own. Pope and AJ are in next as Pope channels some American Dream with a series of elbows to AJ's forehead (Flair of all people should have seen that coming). Morgan tags in and demands that Hardy join him centre-stage. Jeff accepts the offer and plants a dropkick downtown in the corner. Jeff was on a roll, until a distraction by the other Fortune members allowed Morgan to drop him with a clothesline and then fired off a series of elbows in the neutral corner. Williams comes in off the tag and can barely lift Jeff up enough to drop him on the top rope. Williams applies a cravatte, but Jeff counters and attacks with a lariat. Angle finally get the hot tag and delivers a back body drop to Kazarian, followed by an overhead belly-to-belly suplex on AJ and then a German suplex on Kazarian. Angle then applies the ankle lock, but before Kazarian's "uncle's" his way out of it, AJ soars through the air off a springboard and delivers a forearm smash to Angle's forehead. Pope shows AJ how it's done with a flying forearm of his own. Williams takes Pope down with an exploder suplex, but falls victim to a steamroller from Anderson. Morgan then drops Anderson with a discus lariat, but before he can celebrate, he catches a missile dropkick from Hardy. Angle then hits the Angle slam on Kazarian, but Pope steals the glory off a blind tag and picks up the win off of Angle's momentum.
Winners: Kurt Angle, Jeff Hardy, The Pope and Mr. Anderson by pinfall
After the match, Angle is none too happy about what just transpired and gets right in Pope's face with a paintbrush. Pope doesn't take too kindly to that and the two start arguing. Anderson and Hardy try to separate them, but before anything major happens, Fortune attacks from all sides and the remaining two Fortune members Beer Money come out to join in the assault. But as Fortune clears out of the ring, they are met by the EV2.0 guys who continue the brawl. Even Flair can't escape the assault this time, as he's met with some heavy right hands from Foley and another brawl ends another mediocre edition of Impact.
Final thoughts:
I wasn't overly impressed by this week's episode but at least it was much better than last week. I'll start with the stuff I enjoyed. MCMG and Generation ME had a very nice outing and they rarely disappoint. Seeing the Guns in action reminds me of those old school cruiserweight matches with Rey Mysterio Jr. and Juventud Guerrera back in the day, where you're guaranteed something new every time and this match was no exception. I also thought that segment with Magnus and Wolfe was very entertaining, but I think they could have build them up a little more, before automatically giving them a title match at the pay per view. Despite the fact that there are still many unanswered questions involving Samoa Joe, it's always a pleasure seeing him compete and it's great that he's back and looks to be in the best shape of his career. Having said that, he's been so insignificant a character this year that I can't help but feel sorry for him, because even if he jumps ship to the WWE, he'll likely just end up on NXT, so it's unfortunate that at the moment, he just has to suck it up and overdose on bitter pills. TBP segment was okay, but wasted so much time and I don't like the fact that they rushed the reuniting of Angelina and Velvet, where just two weeks ago, they still had several fences that needed mending. Are we ever going to solve at least one of these mysteries? Actually I take it back, because at least they did establish that "they" is Fortune this week (surprising I know), but at least solve the mystery of the biker chick (is it that big a deal?). The main issue I have with TNA is that there are two many major storylines happening at once and it seems like Flair and Hogan are the focal points. EV2.0 are feuding with Fortune, Sting's feuding with Hogan and Bischoff but also Fortune, EV2.0 are also feuding with Abyss, Jarrett's feuding with Sting and Nash, Hogan's feuding with Flair, Flair's feuding with Dixie, Abyss is feuding with everyone, Samoa Joe's feuding with nobody. Make up your fucking minds already and start putting together a decent product. Pick one person to lead your company, give him the title and let him run with it. That's all that needs to be done. Well not ALL, but it's a start. Get Dixie Carter off TV. Having Hogan and Flair involved in major angles is fine, but don't make them the focal points of said angles. And don't have three or four major angles on one show. Pick one angle and go with it. Not a very impressive outing this week, but I'll be generous and give it 6 out of 10. Come on TNA, you can do better!
