The Fight Network

 

I admit that I've been tuning into Impact at the 9:05 mark lately and I've probably missed this, but when did they get a new theme song? At least it is slightly better than the old one.

 

Just three days before the pay per view on Sunday, we have four men vying for an opportunity to be crowned the heavyweight championship of the world. So it's completely appropriate to kick off this episode with Hulk Hogan right? In case you didn't get the sarcasm, it isn't. But "surprise, surprise," they did. But Hogan's not alone this week. He's accompanied to ringside by Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher (her and So Cal Val should pull an Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd and trade places for a week, just to see if anyone notices).  After greeting "the maniacs" brother! Hogan says he loves coming to work every week and hanging out in the back (so why isn't he?). He says it's because behind those curtains is the most talented roster in the wrestling world. He then proves that he actually has a point to all of this and brings out the four men who will fight it out at No Surrender, en route to becoming the new TNA champion. Without having each of them cut promos and build themselves up, because that would make too much sense, Hogan continues his promo, saying that with RVD gone, it is up to the four of them to raise the bar in TNA. Bischoff adds that the decision to strip RVD of the championship was a controversial one, but the challenge lies in each of the four to determine which one is worthy enough to be the next world champion. This brings out Abyss, who is accompanied by his girl Janice. Hogan says he didn't hear anybody call out Abyss. Abyss then goes on a rant about how "they" are coming (I thought that was settled last week?). Hogan says he and everyone already know who they are, to which Abyss responds that Hogan is just as ignorant as all the idiot fans. Abyss says "they" were never EV2 (what does any of this have to do with the title?). Abyss says "they" were never Fortune and that Flair is a liar. He continues that soon the chess pieces will have fallen into place and the date that "they" have set for their revelation is 10-10-10 (by no coincidence, the same day as Bound for Glory). Hogan says "they" better tell Abyss to get out of his face, of course leaving the four contenders to look like complete idiots. Abyss says "they" will not only take over, but will also remove Dixie Carter from her position as TNA president and systematically eliminate Hogan and Bischoff (you know I really hate Abyss). Abyss then gets in the faces of the four contenders and Jeff Hardy is the first to attack him and of course, just as this gets interesting, Tenay announces a commercial break.

 

Back from commercial, the ring has been cleared and there is NO explanation of what transpired during the break (I hate this company).

 

Up next is a highlight package, telling the story of the feud between the Beautiful People and their former protégé Madison Rayne.

 

Match #1: Madison Rayne and the biker chick vs. The Beautiful People (Angelina and Velvet)

 

The women pair off in a brawl at ringside to kick start the match. The biker takes a double whip into the barricade. TBP now have Madison surrounded in the middle of the ring and Madison does a piss poor job of pleading her case. She ends up being volleyed back and forth with slaps. Angelina then secures a front facelock, as Velvet grabs the riding whip, or whatever that thing is called to lash away at Madison. But before she gets a chance, the biker interferes. TBP regain the advantage as Angelina delivers a falling front slam to Madison, but is immediately attacked by the biker to prevent the pin. Madison takes a double suplex, but the pinfall attempt is again broken up by the biker. Angelina has finally had enough and spears the biker out of the ring. But as the ref is tied up trying to get Angelina out, bikerella hits Velvet with the motorcycle helmet and Madison gets the win in a terrible match.

 

Winners: Madison Rayne and biker chick by pinfall

 

After the match, the biker attacks Angelina with the helmet too. She is then ordered by Madison to remove the mask and it's...it's...Tara! (Who didn't see that one coming?)

 

Kurt Angle delivers one of those UFC-style promos on what happened to RVD. He says he doesn't know who "they" are, but has a theory that it's just an idea that Abyss planted in his own head, being deranged and all. Anderson delivers a promo of his own, saying that he and RVD really didn't like eachother, but he respected him (another respect angle? What will this company think of next?). He says everyone who signs up for this business, knows that they can and will get hurt eventually. But what happened to RVD was beyond barbaric and the guy has a family.

 

It's then announced that RVD will make his presence felt on next week's Impact, via satellite.

 

Match #2: Stevie Richards vs. Abyss

 

Stevie immediately attacks Abyss before Abyss even gets in the ring. He bounces the monster's head off the ring steps, but eats a boot that came out of nowhere. Abyss charges at Stevie in the corner of the ring, but catches nothing but turnbuckle. Stevie once again pounces on Abyss with fists of fury (someone needs to lay off the caffeine). He tries the Stevie kick, but Abyss just swats him down and finally gets the avalanche he wanted, followed by a falling front slam. Abyss then grabs a chair, but as the referee makes a poor attempt to get it from him, Stevie capitalizes on the momentary distraction with the Stevie kick for the clean win (WTF!!!).

 

Winner: Stevie Richards by pinfall

 

After the match, Abyss attacks Stevie and gives him the shock treatment (is it ironic to give your former psychiatrist shock treatment?). Abyss is clearly not done, but that is of no importance to the production crew, who would rather show a brawl breaking out backstage between Fortune and EV2 and apparently Fortune has attacked Mick Foley and injured his ankle. Back to the action in the ring, Abyss delivers the blackhole slam to Stevie and then grabs Janice, but Brian Kendrick of all people comes to the rescue and delivers a baseball slide to the monster and Tenay asks why Brian? Little does he know that that question, like many others in TNA will likely never be answered.

  

Anderson is having a conversation with the invisible camera guy backstage, whispering that he and Pope have a rocky relationship and Jeff Hardy might be his new found best friend, but he's throwing friendship out the window tonight. The camera angle widens to unveil Pope as the third man in the room, who says he still doesn't trust Anderson and doesn't buy anything he's selling and what he's trying to sell has already been bought by everyone else. He then warns Anderson not to screw him tonight and Anderson responds that that works both ways. Anderson says they still need to work as a team tonight if they want to win. Pope says we'll have to wait and see what happens.

 

EV2 is now in the ring and Dreamer has the mic, despite the ‘Sabu' chant coming from the audience. Dreamer says if it's a fight that Fortune wants, it's a fight they shall have. He says if they think they can do whatever they want, he's having none of it. Dreamer on behalf of his faction, which for some reason is now down to four guys, then calls out Fortune. Fortune answers the challenge with no hesitation. AJ says if they have something to say they better shut up, because this is his house. He questions the idea that Dreamer has a chance against him at No Surrender. He says that Williams is going to slaughter Sabu for the X-Division title and that Abyss will do the same to Rhino (I thought Abyss wasn't with them anymore?). He says on Sunday, Dreamer will be praying for AJ to stop the beating and he'll end up quitting just like everybody expects him to. Dreamer says he's going to wait til Sunday to embarrass AJ in his own house, but that's Sunday and this is tonight and Dreamer then challenges Fortune to a four on four elimination match, which Fortune gladly accepts.

 

Jeff Jarrett is backstage, once again trying to convince Samoa Joe to be in his corner. He says he's not just doing this for himself. Jarrett says he's doing this for Joe and the rest of his friends in the locker room and this business. Joe responds (it's a miracle! Samoa Joe, the tongue-less man speaks!) that the one thing he's learned in this business is that you should mind your own.

 

Kevin Nash and Sting are then shown walking through the narrow hallways, as they plot to take over TNA and destroy Jarrett tonight. Sting says he hopes "he" comes out for the party, because if "he" does, "he" will be destroyed (they had time for this, yet they cut off the opening segment, which was the most important part of the show?).

 

Match #3: Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting

 

Why is it that Sting wears a t-shirt for every match now? In any case, every time Jarrett gets the advantage, Nash trips him and Sting takes over. Eventually Jarrett has enough and starts brawling with Nash on the outside. Sting goes after him and drops him with a shortarm clothesline on the ramp. Jarrett momentarily regains the advantage and tries suplexing Sting back in the ring, but Nash trips him again and Sting falls on top of Jarrett for the win.

 

Winner: Sting by pinfall

 

After the match, Jarrett attacks Nash (seems like a recurring theme tonight), only for Sting to level Jarrett with the bat. This brings out Hogan, who's about to get it on with Sting, until Samoa Joe crashes the party with a stiff clothesline to Nash. Joe then delivers some heavy right hands and goes to the outside, daring Sting to fight him. Sting backs off, telling Joe he picked the wrong fight. Hogan then pats Joe on the back, pretending that they're good friends (I doubt if Hogan even knows who he is).

 

Up next is a promo for the new gimmick that is soon to debut, basically mooching off the success of the Jersey Shore with the pairing of Robbie T and Cookie (all I'm saying is that it better not be "they." But it wouldn't surprise me).

 

The brand new tag team of Magnus and Desmond Wolfe are in the ring along with Chelsea. Wolfe says while queer money (not that there's anything wrong with that) and the Motor City cap guns (nice touch) have been beating eachother senseless over the last month or so, this team, calling themselves "London brawling" have been rising through the ranks of the tag team division on Xplosion (no wonder why this pairing seems like news to me). Magnus, or "Mag Daddy" as he would prefer, continues that the fans must be embarrassed to have the Machine Guns as their tag team champions says that it's time for the belts to be taken off of the boys and be delivered to the men. The Guns then come out for the rebuttal. Shelley starts off emotionally, saying that the two of them didn't nearly kill themselves with five of the best matches they've ever had with Beer Money, just to lose the belts to these two at No Surrender. He says that series officially made them the best tag team in the world, and if Magnus and Wolfe don't believe it, they can ask the people. Sabin says while the two of them may be number one contenders, they really haven't beaten anybody, and it seems like the only tag teaming they've done is with eachother. Wolfe asks if they're implying that he and Magnus fancy eachother like a couple of puffs (this guy's mic work deserves an Oscar). Wolfe continues that it's odd that they would go the comedy route, because they're the only fellows in the ring without a bird (English to English dictionary please). Magnus says the Guns should focus less on making people laugh and more on growing hair on their nuts. Shelley then embarrasses Magnus, saying he's four years older than him and if the two of them are as big as they claim, then how come Chelsea always has a frown on her face (good point). Shelley then makes a proposition to Chelsea, saying he has about 10 dollars, five minutes and a dog tag and he wants to know what it can get him. Sabin then says that Chelsea just wants money like any other hard working call girl. Wolfe then gets Chelsea to big him up (no pun intended I'm sure) and let everyone know how he rocks her world. Chelsea embarrasses the little guy and says that in a swordfight between the men in the ring right now, Wolfe's would come up short. Wolfe starts losing it, but regains it as he and Magnus attack the Guns. Magnus positions one tag belt against Shelley's crotch, which Wolfe kicks to the South Pole. Magnus then picks up Sabin and drops him with a sidewalk slam, as Wolfe delivers another swift kick to the head to dot the exclamation point.

 

Dreamer is losing it back in the locker room (apparently every wrestler has their own locker room/office now). He says they already lost Guido and Tony and now with Mick hurt, it seems like they're losing this war (what happened to 3D?). Brian Kendrick then enters the room and Dreamer asks what he wants. He says he came to offer his services (I thought that was Chelsea's job). He then says they need him as much as he needs them. Foley says if anyone's going to pick a replacement for him, it's going to be himself and Kendrick must be out of his mind to interrupt this meeting. Suddenly a lightbulb goes off in Foley's head that Kendrick's the perfect replacement (why do these guys get to make their own matches?) and the rest of the EV2 guys just go along with it, obviously not giving a shit.

 

Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy are shown talking over strategy backstage and Hardy says he respects what Kurt's doing and it could be his last match at No Surrender. Angle says it could be, but it won't, putting more pressure on Jeff. Jeff says he doesn't plan on losing either.

 

Match #4: AJ Styles, Kazarian and Beer Money Inc. vs. Tommy Dreamer, Rhino, Sabu and Brian Kendrick in an 8-man elimination match

 

Rhino hits a dropkick for the first time in his career on Kaz in the early going, but surprisingly, it's not enough for the win. Sabu comes in next with a springboard tornado DDT for two. He tries another springboard move, but Williams, who's on the outside with Flair, trips Sabu this time and Kaz pins him with the Oklahoma roll. Sabu then hits a tope to the outside on Williams and the two of them fight to the back. Dreamer applies a Texas cloverleaf, shades of Dean Malenko, on Kaz, but AJ breaks it up. Kendrick then comes in with a jumping calf kick. He tries a springboard crossbody, but Kaz counters with a knee. Roode comes in with a belly-to-back suplex, followed by a gutwrench suplex, for a pair of near falls. Kaz then tags in again and goes for his spike piledriver move, but Kendrick counters and the two exchange pinning combinations, until Kendrick breaks the chain with a well placed calf kick to the face for the pin. Kendrick then starts going nuts and blatantly chokes AJ. The ref pulls him off, but catches a calf kick for his efforts, leading to Kendrick being disqualified. This brings all parties into the ring for another brawl, heading into the next commercial break. Back from break, order has been restored and it's 3 against 2, with AJ and Beer Money on one side and Dreamer and Rhino on the other. Tenay stops calling the match for a moment to reveal a "blockbuster" announcement that a new match has been added to No Surrender, pitting Sting and Kevin Nash against Jeff Jarrett and Samoa Joe (groundbreaking I know? Obviously too big an announcement to be kept for after the match). Anyway, Rhino gets the tag and starts cleaning house. He delivers a running shoulder block to Roode in the corner, followed by a belly-to-belly suplex to Storm, countering the superkick. Rhino then gores a hole through Storm, but Roode breaks the pin. Roode then gets a belly-to-belly suplex himself. Rhino sets up for another gore, but catches a glimpse of Abyss at the corner of his eye  and goes out to meet him, which gets Rhino counted out and screws Dreamer over tremendously. Roode immediately nails Dreamer with a lariat. Beer Money then attempt a double suplex, but Storm is unable to support the weight on his side, because of his injured ribs from the gore. AJ then attacks with a flying forearm off a springboard, but Dreamer has it timed perfectly, as he drops Roode with a DDT, and AJ's forearm meets Storm's forehead. Dreamer then pins Roode and moments later, pins Storm with a schoolboy. So it's down to Dreamer and AJ and AJ looks like he just shat himself. He tries for the Styles clash, but Dreamer counters and drops down into one of the worst looking crossfaces I've ever seen (looked more like a side headlock). Dreamer then goes for the Spicoli driver, but AJ escapes and lands a picture-perfect dropkick. AJ misses a kneedrop, but rebounds with a flying armbar into a cross armbreaker, shades of Alberto Del Rio. Dreamer escapes and plants AJ with a superplex. Dreamer then goes for the figure-four, which doesn't sit well with Flair, but Morgan tries climbing in the ring, until Dreamer crotches him on the top rope. Dreamer then catches a thumb to the eye by AJ, followed by the Pele for the win.

 

Winner: AJ Styles by pinfall

 

Match #5: Mr. Anderson and The Pope vs. Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle

 

Anderson clears his throat as he makes his entrance and once again reminds the assholes who he is and where he came from (in case they forgot the last 30 weeks or so). Angle starts aggressively with a belly-to-back suplex on Pope and then he and Hardy have some double teaming in mind with the poetry in motion. Hardy then uses to top rope to propel himself for a low dropkick to the sternum on the way down for two. Anderson tags in and gets an inverted atomic drop. Hardy then scoops him with a double leg and delivers a double legdrop to the abdomen. Pope comes in, but receives a reverse mule kick for his trouble. Hardy's momentum is cut down with a clothesline by Anderson. Pope then removes a knee pad to deliver a kneedrop (why do they do that? Wouldn't the move still hurt if he had the pad on?). Anderson tags back in and attempts the mic check, but Hardy blocks it and delivers the twist of fate. Tags are made on both sides and Angle delivers an overhead belly-to-belly suplex to Pope, followed by a German suplex to Anderson and then an Angle slam to Pope, but Anderson breaks the pin. Hardy tries a whisper in the wind on Pope, but Pope ducks and the wind blows in Angle's direction. Anderson then hits the mic check but Pope steals the win.

 

Winners: Mr. Anderson and The Pope by pinfall

 

After the match, Pope and Anderson start arguing and eventually end up in a fight. Angle and Hardy then also argue, which also turns into a fight and the four guys brawl to close the show (why does every fucking show end this way?).

 

Final thoughts:

This show was terrible from start to finish. The only thing that mildly entertained me was the segment with the Guns and London Brawling. For a go-home show, this was pathetic. Nothing on tonight's show made me want to buy the pay per view on Sunday. I didn't watch Reaction, but hopefully they did a better job with that. The opening segment was crap. I hate it that Hogan is always the focal point of attention. Him being out there for that segment completely ruined the title program. There is no attraction for either of those matches right now, other than the in-ring quality. And then they take it one step further and have Abyss come out to proclaim that "they" are coming. Who gives a fuck! That has nothing to do with the title or this segment and all I can say is that "they" better be somebody HUGE. None of those contenders said anything during that segment and them being out there was completely pointless. Then they end it on such a low note. It's good to see Samoa Joe finally involved in an angle again and on a pay per view, but again, I couldn't care less about that match or feud. How many times do we have to see Jarrett vs. Sting? As I continue my rant, I realize I haven't even gotten to the matches yet. No match on tonight's show even made it to 3 stars. The right two guys went over in the main event, but much like the Orton vs. Legacy feud at Wrestlemania this year, Angle has been booked so superior to anyone in that tournament, and it doesn't look like any of the other three have any chance of winning it. Then they have Stevie Richards, who doesn't even have a match at the pay per view, beat the top heel in the company clean? What the fuck are they thinking? Speaking of that though, I've had just about all I can take of this EV2 thing. It's not working, and I never expected it to. They already have Fortune and Abyss as the top heels. Now they just need top babyfaces to work with and they shouldn't be guys who were stars like 13 years ago. Samoa Joe, Jeff Hardy, The Pope. These are the guys who should be leading the company. Get Hogan and Dixie off of TV. Either turn Bischoff heel or get him off the screen too and start focusing on the future of the company. 0.5 out of 10 this week. Terrible!