‘Great’ American Bash
It’s the third weekend of July, which means it’s time again for everyone’s favorite bit of wrestling Nationalism, the Great American Bash. This year’s GAB will be the fifth one promoted by the WWE, but newer wrestling fans may not be aware of the event’s storied past, or the improbable bad luck surrounding it ever since it was relaunched a few years ago.
The Great American Bash began as a special tour for the National Wrestling Alliance that offered better-than-average cards throughout the late summer. The War Games Match premiered at the 1987 GAB, and became one of the signature matches for the NWA, and later World Championship Wrestling. The Bash eventually became a regular pay-per-view in 1988, and two years later it was at the Great American Bash that Sting won his first ever NWA World Heavyweight Championship. When WCW shut down in 2000, the GAB was one of the oldest and most iconic events still regularly promoted, second in prestige only to Starrcade.
When World Wrestling Entertainment acquired WCW in 2001, it seemed as though the Great American Bash was gone for good, but the event made its surprising return in 2004, when WWE expanded to fifteen pay-per-view events a year. This would be the first and, thus far only WCW show adopted by the WWE. The show was used in part to promote WWE’s continued commitment to American troops, with free tickets and waived pay-per-view fees being offered to anyone serving in the U.S. military.
From the start though, WWE’s Great American Bash fell flat. The first show featured an undercard boasting such dream matches as Luther Reigns vs. Charlie Haas, Kenzo Suzuki vs. Billy Gunn and even Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly. Later on the show, fan-favorite Eddie Guerrero’s WWE title run was cut short with a loss to John Bradshaw Layfield, a man who a month before was positioned as being little more than a midcard jobber. Though Layfield’s run with the belt ended up being better than anyone could have expected, the night he won the belt, fans simply weren’t willing to accept him as a main-eventer. Worse, he won the belt in a poorly booked Texas Bullrope match, gaining an unsatisfying victory by winning through a technicality. The finish wasn’t even an original one- the exact same sequence was used in a “Russian Chain Match” at the GAB thirteen years earlier, and it already made little to no sense then.
The WWE Championship Match wasn’t even the main event that year- that distinction fell to an abysmal match between the Undertaker and the Dudley Boyz. The storyline leading into the match had the Undertaker’s manager Paul Bearer kidnapped by the Dudleys and Smackdown general manager Paul Heyman. Rather than call the police like a regular person, Taker used “wrestling logic” and decided to deliver a little Zombie Justice in a handicap match at the GAB. It wouldn’t just be any match though, oh no. The Undertaker would be taking on the Dudley Boyz in a “Concrete Crypt Match”. Paul Bearer was to be locked in a Plexiglas cell; if the Undertaker lost, Bearer would be buried under hundreds of pounds of cement and left to die, increased insurance premiums be damned. This asinine booking led to the inevitable swerve, which saw Taker win the match, but kill his maybe-sorta-father anyways.
The next year was more of the same. Though the 2005 Great American Bash had better matches than the previous year, it featured three of the most putrid angles in recent WWE history. Heidenreich and Road Warrior Animal defeated MNM for the WWE Tag Team Titles in a feud that began with MNM mocking Animal’s dead partner Hawk. The Undertaker began feuding with Muhammad Hassan after Hassan staged a “terrorist attack” on the Deadman a few weeks earlier on Smackdown; not only was Hassan’s attack so tasteless it led to UPN banning his character from appearing on Smackdown, the assault aired on TV just days after a real terrorist attack in London, England. Finally, Eddie Guerrero (in his last major feud before his death) and Rey Mysterio were deeply embroiled in an angle revolving around who would get to take custody of Mysterio’s son, who Guerrero claimed to have fathered.
The next Great American Bash was a marked improvement over the past two years- several intriguing matches were booked, including a tag team match between London and Kendrick and the Pit Bulls (Jamie Noble and Kid Kash), a singles match between Matt Hardy and Gregory Helms and a main event that saw Rey Mysterio defending his World Heavyweight Championship against King Booker. Once again though, things quickly began to go off the rails, as two different wrestlers (Bobby Lashley and the Great Khali) were pulled from the show with no notice for “elevated liver enzyme levels”- widely rumored to be code for violations of WWE’s Wellness Policy. In the end, at least one of these suspensions worked to the fan’s advantage- William Regal replaced Lashley in his match against Finlay, resulting in an excellent showcase for two of the best pure wrestlers in the world. What might have been a good show was marred by one huge blemish though- the terrible debut of the Punjabi Prison Match. Set in a crazy double bamboo cage, equipped with sliding doors and leather straps for choking opponents, the Punjabi Prison Match was supposed to be Khali’s signature match, and his secret weapon in his feud with the Undertaker. Though Khali was removed from the match (those wacky enzymes!), the show had to go on, if only to justify the massive cost of the cage to WWE shareholders. Subbing for Khali was the equally sedentary Big Show. To say the match sucked would be a massive understatement; For over twenty minutes, fans were forced to watch Big Show and the Taker slog through what was unquestionably one of the worst matches of 2006.
Last year, it looked like WWE had finally some up with a solid show. Several excellent angles had been developed for the undercard, including strong feuds for the ECW, Intercontinental and United States Championship. A “Cruiserweight Open” gauntlet match promised fast-paced action, and even if the WWE Championship match between John Cena and Bobby Lashley turned out to be a snooze-fest, the World title match between Kane and Edge would no doubt be better. It looked like WWE had finally broken the GAB curse. Naturally, it wasn’t meant to be.
To be fair, the 2007 Bash had its high points. One month earlier, John Morrison had been made ECW Champion at the last minute, chosen to replace the absent Chris Benoit in an ECW title match at Vengeance on the very weekend that Benoit killed himself and his family. Despite the horrible circumstances, Morrison did his best to step up and carry the ECW brand, and at the Great American Bash, he defended his title in an excellent match against CM Punk. Umaga and Jeff Hardy had a typically high-impact match for the Intercontinental Championship, and Matt Hardy and MVP continued their feud over the United States Championship that would span most of the year.
Despite having a stacked card, the show still managed to bomb. Less than two weeks before the show, Edge tore his left pectoral muscle and was forced to vacate the World Heavyweight title. As a result, WWE crowned the worst possible champion this side of David Arquette- The Great Khali. At the Bash, Khali retained his title in an abysmal triple threat match against Kane and Batista. Protip: When you’re about to watch a match, and the best worker in the ring is Kane, that match is probably going to suck. Cena retained his WWE Championship against Bobby Lashley in what could generously be called a plodding affair. Dusty Rhodes made his rather embarrassing return to the ring for a Texas Bullrope match against Randy Orton that lasted less than six minutes; worse, this led to Cody Rhodes becoming a full-time member of the WWE roster. Finally, in what can only be called a slap in the face to every lightweight wrestler that’s ever busted their ass for the company, the Cruiserweight Open was won by everyone’s favorite leprechaun Hornswoggle, leading to the Cruiserweight Championship being quietly retired a few months later.
With just days left before the 2008 Great American Bash, the WWE is walking a razor-thin edge between excellence and Wrestlecrap. The first-ever match between Triple H and Edge is inexplicably being given away on a secondary show, instead of being used to main event Summer Slam or WrestleMania. A victory for Edge could reinvigorate Smackdown from the slump its been in, while a clean win for Triple H could do irreparable damage to Edge’s career. Similarly, the World Heavyweight Championship match between CM Punk and Batista could go either way. It is crucial for Punk to win this match, not just cleanly but decisively, especially after being left lying on his back on Monday following weeks of relying on other wrestlers to help him win his matches. Should Punk merely squeak out a fluke win, his title run will be cut off at the knees, and a victory for Batista would shove Punk right back down into the midcard, likely for good.
Perhaps the worst angle is the one between John Cena and JBL. Though Cena gave one of his best promos in months on Raw to hype up the match, WWE couldn’t leave well enough alone; the show went off the air with a ludicrous pre-taped segment that saw JBL attempt to KILL Cena, by smooshing his head with a speeding car. Even Paul Bearer got off easier than that. At least the feud between Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho seems to be a sure thing…knock on wood. If the Great American Bash Curse kicks in, by this time next week, Michaels will be injured, Jericho will be on a suspension, and Lance Cade will somehow be the World Champion.
Can the streak of piss-poor Great American Bashes be broken? Will the Straight-Edge Superstar retain his title against WWE’s most jacked-up main eventer? Will Kane open up his mysterious burlap sack and pull out an Elvis CD, leading to the return of the Honky Tonk Man? Tune in Sunday night to find out!
…and hey, if you do, let me know how it went. Screw the Great American Bash, I’m spending my $40 on Ring of Honor tickets instead.
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