TNA Impact Report for Feb 25
After last week’s disastrous
performance, at least I can say this week can’t get any worse.
The show opens as it should,
with AJ Styles and Ric Flair on their way to the ring. Styles mocks
The Pope, who apparently has the night off (and he won’t be the only
one). He takes exception to Pope considering himself a people’s champion,
because the only true champion is AJ Styles and Pope should’ve learned
by now that to be the man, you got to beat the man and because AJ has
the title, he’s the man. Flair then takes the microphone and completely
changes the subject, by ripping into Hulk Hogan for just handing his
prestigious Hall of Fame ring (presumably the WWE one) to Abyss, who
Flair says will never be Hall of Fame material, because he isn’t even
suited to clean a Hall of Famer’s shoes. Abyss has heard enough and
decides to come out to a remixed version of Hogan’s old “American
Made” theme song in WCW and confront Flair and AJ. He claims that
the ring gives him some kind of special power (okay there Frodo) and
he plans on using that power to take AJ’s belt and sticking it up
Flair’s a$$. Flair then starts losing it, saying Abyss is not Hall
of Fame worthy and he should just remove the ring and place it on AJ’s
finger right now. Hogan of course comes out to save the day and questions
how AJ can call himself a good man, when he’s taking advice from one
of the worst men. Flair takes exception to that and he and Hogan exchange
words. Flair then tries to pull Hogan’s punk card, by challenging
Hogan and Abyss to fight him and AJ. Hogan and Abyss stand their ground,
so the heels exit stage left and Flair says by the end of the night,
the ring will be on AJ’s finger.
Match #1: The Nasty Boys vs.
Team 3D in a table match
And this is where the show
starts taking a turn for the worse. Think about it. It’s the Nasty
Boys and Team 3D. What good can come of this? Anyway, there isn’t
much to speak of here. Jimmy Hart tries to pass in his helmet to one
of the Nasty’s, until Jesse Neal comes out for the interception and
hands it to D-Von, who levels Knobs. 3D then deliver the 3D to Sags
through the table for the win.
Winners: Team 3D
Mick Foley is in Hogan’s
office, really giving to Bischoff for his actions last week, saying
that he set Abyss up, while sending Foley on a shopping spree. Bischoff
admits to it and says he was wrong for doing it, but it all turned out
for the best, because both Abyss and JB still have their jobs and if
it wasn’t for Bischoff’s actions, Hogan would have never come out
and taken Abyss under his wing and Abyss wouldn’t be nearly as happy
as he is now. Foley then begins to come around, so Bischoff once again
tells him what an asset he could be for the company and says he should
be wearing his new suit. Foley then goes to get the suit.
Match #2: ODB vs. Daffney
Ugh! Where do I begin? Daffney
goes for a spear at the beginning, but ODB dodges the bullet, so to
speak, and Daffney’s shoulder collides with the ring post. For some
unknown reason, they then cut to a split screen interview, where Christy
Hemme is standing by with Tara (IN THE MIDDLE OF A MATCH!), who says
she underestimated Daffney last week and didn’t take her as seriously
as she should have, but the next time they meet, it’ll be a different
story. By the way, there is a match still going on. Daffney spends the
better part of the next few minutes working ODB’s legs and wrapping
them around the ring post. She then snaps again and pulls out a single
ring step from underneath the ring (why is a ring step underneath the
ring?) and uses it to get DQ’d.
Winner: ODB by disqualification
Daffney continues the assault
afterwards, having to be restrained by Dr. Stevie again. When did ODB
turn face?
JB is standing between the
tag team champion Matt Morgan and Hernandez, who both accuse JB of trying
to stir the pot between them, because of what happened at Against All
Odds. Morgan says he and Hernandez both had a pact before the match
that they would do whatever it took to win and if Hernandez was in the
same position Morgan was in, he would’ve done the exact same thing.
Morgan says it’s all water under the bridge now and the two of them
need to be 100 per cent focused on defending their tag titles, because
they plan on holding them for a very long time. Hernandez doesn’t
say much, but seems to be in complete agreement.
Meanwhile, in the parking garage,
Scott Hall and 6-Pac are rummaging through the dumpster, trying to find
any weapon they can use for the upcoming streetfight later (of course
they are. Why should TNA concentrate on giving actual contracted talent
any air time?)
Beer Money come out next and
Roode says they’ve been a tag team for almost two years now, and not
only are they the best team in TNA (yet without any titles), but they’re
the best team in pro wrestling period (can’t argue that). He says
they’ve promised to be the best they can be every single night and
their reputation can be summed up with one word: pride. Storm puts over
the fact that the two of them have been in TNA since the beginning,
when all the so-called vets didn’t want to come get their hands dirty,
the two of them were entertaining TNA fans every night. Storm then says
TNA management has since decided to put Beer Money on the sidelines,
and that hurts, because when they’re on the sidelines, Roode can’t
make any money to buy Storm any beer. He says now that TNA has reached
the highest point it’s ever been (highly debatable), the only thing
that’s missing is a little Beer Money. This brings out one half of
the Tag Team champions Hernandez, who had little to say earlier. He
says Beer Money don’t have to prove anything, because he knows their
reputation and he knows how good they are. He says since he and Matt
Morgan want to prove that they’re the best also, he plans to go straight
to Hogan’s office and demand a title shot for Beer Money. Beer Money
accepts the offer.
JB is standing by with Kevin
Nash and Eric Young. Nash says they have some unfinished business, which
they’ll take care of tonight and they plan to go out there and bust
Hall and 6-Pac up real bad. Young says they plan on sending those guys
packing for good. Nash concludes the interview, saying the physical
pain will heal, but the emotional pain lasts forever (boohoo).
Jeff Jarrett barges into Hogan’s
office to give Bischoff a piece of his mind. Bischoff tries to calm
him down and says he’s absolutely right to be upset and Bischoff wants
to start over, because he feels that he’s disrespected Jeff, who is
the founder of the company and what happened last week was a mistake,
because Jarrett did do the right thing. At first, Jarrett didn’t want
to hear any of it, but Bischoff invites him to come out and join him
in the ring, so they can bury the hatchet. Jarrett reluctantly accepts.
Bischoff comes to the ring
and instructs everyone in attendance to give a warm welcome for the
founder of TNA, Jeff Jarrett, who comes out with his full entrance theme
music and pyro. Bischoff admits that he’s made quite a few mistakes
in his career and it’s time to mend some of those. He then gets one
of the stagehands to give him the barbwire bat that he planned for Jarrett
to use last week, and says it would have been so barbaric to imagine
a human being using an object such as that against another human being,
so thinking about it, Bischoff says Jarrett did the right thing. Bischoff
then throws the bat down and adds that Jarrett might have done the right
thing, but he didn’t do the right thing by Bischoff. He says Jarrett
is just incapable of doing what Bischoff wants and until then, he’s
found a more suitable position for Jarrett within the company. He says
since Jarrett refused to use the bat last week, maybe he’ll consider
using another item. Bischoff then presents Jarrett with a spatula and
says that he should go back to the catering area and start flipping
a few hamburgers for these fans he loves so much. He then gives him
a hairnet to add insult to injury, saying he doesn’t want any of that
blonde hair getting on any of the burgers. Bischoff then says Jarrett
could quit, but he knows at the end of the day, he’ll make the right
decision.
Matt Morgan stops Hernandez
in his tracks backstage and asks him what the hell he was thinking,
offering Beer Money a title shot, without even consulting with him.
Hernandez says it was his mistake and he messed up. He says he should
have consulted with Morgan first. Morgan says before they can have chemistry
in the ring, they should have chemistry out of the ring and be on the
same page. Hernandez agrees and both guys leave through the exit door.
Match #3: Brian Kendrick vs.
Kazarian for #1 contendership for the X-Division title
Kazarian attacks early on with
a slingshot legdrop, followed by a low dropkick in the corner, after
using the rope to propel himself up first for added intensity, shades
of Jeff Hardy. Kendrick responds with an enzugiri, followed by a twisting
facebuster. They then cut to split screen, yet again while a match is
going on, to recap the Samoa Joe abduction from last week, which has
nothing to do with this match. Kazarian picks up the win with the flux
capacitor, shades of Doc Brown.
Winner: Kazarian by pinfall
They then cut to the back,
where Eric Young and Kevin Nash are taping their fists, as Nash looks
as unenthused as I’ve ever seen him, which doesn’t really say much.
JB interviews Abyss, who says
neither Flair, nor AJ, nor anyone else will ever remove the ring from
his finger. He says Hogan gave it to him and he can feel its power (are
you kidding me?) and with that power, comes great responsibility. Abyss
then says he’s no lord, but people can call him the monster of the
rings (if only I could have the last two minutes of my life back).
Christy Hemme is standing by
with Mr. Anderson, who has an upcoming title shot against Rob Terry
for the Global Championship, which hasn’t seen the light of day in
TNA for quite some time. As Anderson’s mic drops from out of nowhere,
he says he’s going to dumb this down for Christy’s benefit. He asks
who’s the guy that everyone’s talking about, who made the biggest
impact in TNA history and will be the next Global Champion? Anderson
says it was him who publicly embarrassed the greatest wrestler in history,
by leaving him laying in a pool of his own blood more than once and
he hopes that everyone with a DVR is able to fast forward to the end
of this segment (I wish I could fast forward to the end of this show),
so they can hear him say that over and over and over again. Anderson
says it’s now time for his first taste of championship gold, because
Rob Terry might be big and strong, but he’s faced bigger and stronger
opponents than Terry in the past, including 6 gorillas (I have to youtube
that). He then jumps the gun and declares himself the new Global champion.
Meanwhile, as Rob Terry prepares
for the match in an undisclosed area, he’s interrupted by former British
Invasion teammate Brutus Magnus, who says he and Doug have been carrying
Rob for a year and they’re sick of him. He says ever since Rob put
his hands on Magnus last week, he severed all ties to the British Invasion
and then Magnus warns him to be careful, because he should’ve never
bitten the hand that feeds him. Rob grabs a hold of Magnus’ finger
and twists it, bringing Magnus to his knees. He sarcastically thanks
Magnus for the warning and tells him to piss off.
Match #4: Mr. Anderson vs.
Big Rob Terry for the Global Championship
Anderson comes out to cut another
promo, before the match begins. He stands at the top of the ramp, asking
if he should feel sorry for spitting on the piece of metal that was
given to Kurt Angle by the widow of a fallen soldier. He then takes
a dog tag of his own out and says that was given to him by the widow
of a fallen soldier. Only that fallen soldier was Vietnamese and it
doesn’t make it any less valuable (why TNA? Why?). Little does Anderson
know, Angle has ascended through the flooring with a steel chair in
hand, and he blasts Anderson from behind, rendering him unconscious.
He then signals to Rob Terry that he’s all his. Terry picks Anderson
up and carries him to the ring and just dumps him inside. He then delivers
a powerslam for the win.
Winner: Big Rob Terry by pinfall
Jeff Jarrett is then shown
flipping some burgers in the catering area (such a wise decision it
was for TNA to bring in Hogan)
Nash and Young then make their
way out of the building to confront Hall and 6-Pac. Pac is waiting for
them and trying to verbally provoke them. Young attacks him immediately,
but Nash is then nailed from behind with a pipe by Hall, which is a
swerve that could’ve been seen a mile away. Young tries to fight off
both guys, but they’re too much for him, despite how weak Hall’s
punches looked. They warn Young to stay out of it and 6-Pac drops him
with a spin kick. They then spray paint “4 life” on Young’s back.
What a waste of time.
Jeff Jarrett is now shown slicing
onions in catering and by this point in the show, I can’t wait for
the next set of commercials.
Bischoff is talking to someone
via cell phone, saying that having a celebrity host every week for Impact
is the dumbest idea he’s ever heard of (after everything that’s
happened tonight, this is the DUMBEST idea?). Foley then walks in, wearing
a trench coat. Bischoff tells him to remove it, so he can get a look
at the suit. Foley reveals the suit, which Bischoff says looks stunning,
other than the mustard stain that Foley christened it with. Bischoff
then tells Foley that his look isn’t quite their yet and starting
next week, he’ll be taking lessons in etiquette (I can’t wait).
Match #5: Desmond Wolfe vs.
Abyss
Abyss misses an avalanche,
and Wolfe takes full advantage, arching Abyss backwards and delivering
a kick to the spine, followed by a quick club to the chest. Abyss connects
with an avalanche on the second attempt though, but Wolfe responds with
the snapping arm ringer, but gets caught with the blackhole slam, giving
Abyss the win. What a waste of Desmond Wolfe.
Winner: Abyss by pinfall
After the match, Flair and
AJ come out and attack Abyss, but Abyss is able to fight them off, until
Wolfe nails him from behind with a chair. Flair then delivers a lowblow
and Wolfe handcuffs him to the ropes, until Hogan comes out to once
again save the day. This time it backfires though as the 3-on-1 is too
much for even Hogan to handle. AJ nails Hogan with the title, which
busts him open. Abyss then breaks free of his restraints and charges
after the heels, who narrowly escape his wrath. Hogan then grabs the
mic and announces that on the March 8th show, which is Impact’s
official move to Monday nights, Ric Flair will come out of retirement
(can’t make Vince McMahon too happy) to team with AJ Styles against
Abyss and Hogan. Hogan and Abyss both start doing poses to close the
show.
Final thoughts:
The only positive thing I can
say about TNA right now is that you can never say that they’re at
their absolute worst, because they somehow always manage to top themselves.
This show was a great example of that. Jeff Jarrett in catering? Hall
and 6-Pac still on camera? Mick Foley taking an etiquette class? What
do any of these things have to do with anything? None of them are leading
to any kind of match, yet they all take up more time than anything else
on the show. Hall and 6 Pac are supposedly not even under contract,
yet for some reason, the camera crew seems to follow them around more
often than Beer Money, or the Motor City Machine Guns, or Daniels or
any of the other young stars. The other thing that irritated me this
week is that they cut matches as they’re happening to split screen
interviews and angles that don’t even have anything to do with the
match that’s happening. By the way TNA, you do have a pay per view
coming up in a few weeks, in case you’ve forgotten. Terrible show
tonight. 1 out of 10.
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