TNA Impact Report for Jan 21 – It’s Still 1997
After TNA’s first pay per
view of the year, Hulk Hogan has promised that big changes are supposed
to take place, but the question is: are they for the better?
And who better to kick of this
week’s edition of Impact than the legend of legends, Ric Flair, who
stands in the 4-sided (how innovative) ring, accompanied by two gorgeous
valets. Flair says he came to TNA for three reasons. The first is because
he hates Hulk Hogan and the feud with him and Hogan has never been resolved,
but it will be in TNA. He says the next reason is because for 20 years,
he has searched far and wide for the man who could fill his shoes and
be the next nature boy. He says nobody was capable of doing that. Then,
he says, six months ago, he started paying attention to TNA and saw
the great Kurt Angle, who he labels the most skilled technician in the
world today. But just like everybody else, including Sting, he’s great,
but he’s not Ric Flair. He then adds that months ago, he began to
notice a young man with incredible talent and finally stopped his search,
because he finally found his replacement in AJ “stylin’ and profilin’”
Styles. Flair then goes off into a story about his apparent sexual encounter
with one Dixie Carter, claiming that she delivered him a contract (I
guess that would be considered foreplay) and told him to put whatever
number he wants and sign it. Flair then introduces the World Champion
AJ Styles, who comes out with a new look. He’s dressed like a champion
for once. AJ is sporting a brand new suit on his body and is escorted
by a brand new knockout on his arm. AJ immediately gets the crowd riled
up, asking if anyone has a problem with what they’re seeing. This
earns the champ a ton of boos. AJ says it doesn’t matter what they
think, because as long as he still has the belt and still has the women,
that’s all that matters to him. He says for eight years, he worked
his butt off (I guess TNA is going PG too now) and he’s done it all.
He says he’s one of the TNA originals and was one of the first guys
signed by this company, as well as the only grand slam champion in the
history of TNA (well the global championship barely counts as a title),
yet he still gets no respect and no credit. He says instead, all the
credit is given to the Jeff Jarrett’s, the Samoa Joe’s, the Mick
Foley’s, the Kurt Angle’s and the Sting’s. This brings out Kurt
Angle, who’s accompanied by Hulk Hogan, walking behind him. Hogan
sarcastically says that it looks like we’ve got such a happy family
in the ring right now and at Genesis, he did say it would be Angle’s
last shot at the belt, but because of this newly formed alliance between
AJ and Flair, he’s changed his mind. This news cause both AJ and Flair
to lose it and the jackets go flying. Hogan says he’s running the
show (so that’s how it is) and has decided to give Angle another shot
at the title tonight. He then tells Flair that if he even thinks of
coming near ringside for that match, Hogan will strip AJ of the title
and hand it to Kurt Angle.
Mick Foley has just arrived
in the Impact Zone and to borrow a line from Jim Ross, “business has
just picked up.” Foley appears to be in a foul mood, as evident by
his destruction of backstage equipment on his way in. He keeps yelling
Bischoff’s name.
Match #1: Matt Morgan and Hernandez
vs. The British Invasion for the TNA Tag Team Titles
This is a rematch from Genesis
and I have to say, the sequel wasn’t much better than the original.
The Brits start by double teaming Morgan in their corner to get the
upper hand. The big man fights back and starts firing off reverse elbows
on Williams in the corner, followed by what started as a sidewalk slam,
but I guess Morgan decided to kick him to the curb instead and just
dump him like yesterday’s garbage. Morgan then positions Williams
on the rope and runs across, draping a leg across the back of his neck.
Magnus provides a momentary distraction, allowing Williams to deliver
a baseball slide. He then applies a reverse chinlock and I could have
sworn that Morgan was tapping (where’s the call on that?). Morgan
fights out and delivers a discus lariat. Hernandez tags in and takes
out both members of the opposition with a slingshot shoulderblock, followed
by the dominator on Williams for two. As Big Rob provides a distraction,
it allows Williams to deliver a bridging German suplex, after a super
kick from Magnus for two. With the ref distracted, Rob passes his feast
or fired case to Magnus, who accidentally KO’s Williams, allowing
Hernandez to pick up the victory for his team.
Winners: Matt Morgan and Hernandez
by pinfall
After the match, the Brits
blame Big Rob and it starts to escalate, until Mick Foley comes from
out of nowhere and levels all three Brits with a chair. Foley then warns
Bischoff that he’s coming for him.
Up next is the first of three
downward spiraling segments of the evening and this is where the show
starts to take a turn for the worse. It’s a taped portion of the Bubba
the love sponge show, with guest Jeff Jarrett, who was called at 6:24
am and wasn’t pleased about it. Jarrett says TNA was just fine before
the Bischoff and Hogan era.
Speaking of Bischoff and Hogan,
they’re backstage, conferencing about everything that’s going on
tonight. Bischoff’s going crazy about this Cactus Jack situation (apparently
he’s Cactus Jack again). Bischoff then asks about the “other situation”
and Hogan says it’s his and he’ll take care of that one later. This
meeting is then interrupted by Kevin Nash, who asks what they wanted
to see him about. Hogan reminds Nash that he’s still under contract,
but as for his buddies, he’s had enough of this whole rock, paper,
scissors BS and the other actions they’ve been involved in and it
needs to stop. Nash says he’ll talk to them and Hogan reminds him
that it’s time to get serious (oh will he be eating those words later).
Match #2: Orlando Jordan vs.
Pope D’Angelo Dinero
Orlando comes out with this
robe, covered in rhinestone and starts strutting his way to the ring
and really starts getting jiggy with it. He kind of looks like Whoopi
Goldberg, which is not something that any guy should take pride in.
Cameras cut to the back, where Christy Hemme is standing by with the
Pope (Dinero, not Benedict). Pope keeps referring to OJ as Whoopi (told
you) and cuts another great promo about how just like Whoopi was exposed
in Ghost, he plans to do the same to OJ tonight and then says “welcome
to Orlando…Jordan” which was a pretty funny line. Pope is showing
the effects of his brutal encounter with Desmond Wolfe (who has yet
to be seen tonight). His leg is heavily bandaged because of that match.
Jordan attacks first with an armdrag and then slaps the taste out of
the Pope’s mouth, which causes an angry Pope to lose his cool and
go wild on Jordan with a series of haymakers, followed by a pimp slap
of his own. Pope then positions OJ against the middle rope and runs
across, dropping all his weight on Jordan’s neck and smoothly slides
into the front row to chill with his peeps. This proves to be a huge
mistake as Jordan attacks Pope’s leg on his way in with a dragonscrew
leg whip and then a flatliner for the win.
Winner: Orlando Jordan by pinfall
Christy Hemme is backstage
with Kurt Angle, who is irate that AJ is still the champion, because
he shouldn’t be. He says he’s sick of what Flair has pushed AJ to
become, yet he realizes that every man is responsible for his own choices
and tonight, he plans to serve some justice of his own.
Up next is more footage from
the Bubba the love sponge show (please fire this guy!), continuing the
lame interview with Jeff Jarrett, who says for Bubba to think about
who really destroyed WCW.
Kevin Nash is preparing for
his match later, as he’s approached by Eric Young, who puts Nash on
the spot, asking if he’s with him or with them (referring to Hall
and 6-Pac). Nash says Young’s his friend and he came to Young, but
him and the other guys have a history. Young says it’s not about reliving
history. It’s about making history. He then asks Nash if he’s with
him. Nash just agrees and I guess the match is still on.
Up next is Bubba the love sponge’s
third segment. Why bother giving guys like Desmond Wolfe or Samoa Joe
some TV time, when we can just give THREE segments to Bubba the love
sponge?
Bobby Lashley is in Hogan’s
office, talking to Eric Bischoff. He says for the last few weeks, he’s
been letting his wife do all the talking for him and that stops now.
He says he wanted to come to Bischoff man to man and say he wants to
wrestle. Bischoff agrees that it was a mistake for Lashley to let his
wife handle his business and he’s really impressed with Lashley’s
skills. He says if Lashley wants an answer, next week, Hulk’s going
to give him one. Lashley thanks Bischoff for his time and Bischoff says
he’s very welcome but has an evil grin on his face (something tells
me someone’s on his way to Strikeforce sooner rather than later).
Match #3: Angelina Love vs.
Madison Rayne
This was very uneventful. Apparently
Love is now face, but Rayne gets the upper hand early on with a sucker
punch. Love fights back with mounted punches and then a bicycle kick
for the win.
Winner: Angelina Love by pinfall
After the match, Velvet and
Lacey come to ringside and they corner Angelina, who fights them off
temporarily, but eventually the numbers game is too much to handle and
they beat their former leader with the ugly stick.
Bubba the love sponge (as if
we haven’t seen enough of him already) is standing by with Scott Hall
and 6-Pac. 6-Pac says their actions might have been controversial, but
they equal ratings (I guess he didn’t realize that those actions were
performed on pay per view). Hall guarantees that by the end of the night,
he and Pac will both have contracts.
Hogan and Bischoff come to
the ring for the next segment and basically call out “the band.”
The three of them come out with smiling faces, until Hogan stops them
in their tracks and tells security to get Hall and 6-Pac out of his
building (HIS building?). Hall and 6-Pac are irate, but Nash looks like
he couldn’t care less as usual. Security escorts them out of there.
Foley then comes out from another entrance and is immediately held back
by security. Bischoff says if Foley wants to talk, he’s all ears,
but they will do it in his office.
Nash is backstage, trying to
calm down Hall and 6-Pac and reassures them that he’ll fix this (oh
yeah that’s reassuring).
Match #4: The Nasty Boys vs.
Eric Young and Kevin Nash (why TNA? Why?)
I really feel sorry for Eric
Young, who had to sell every flurry of pathetic offence that The Nasty
Boys could dish out. This was absolutely brutal and embarrassing to
have to watch as a wrestling fan. I’m not even going to run through
this whole match, because I don’t want to relive the experience. The
end comes where Knobs pulls Nash off the apron and drives his face into
the post, allowing the Nasty’s to deliver the pit stop to Young and
Sags finishes him off with a pumphandle slam. Terrible match.
Winners: The Nasty Boys by
pinfall
TNA’s newest acquisition
Mr. Anderson comes out and re-introduces himself in case you’ve missed
the name change (I wonder how the producer of The Matrix feels about
it). He brags about beating Abyss at Genesis and in clean fashion, he
adds. Abyss comes out and stands behind Anderson for a good minute and
a half, before blasting him with a right hand and setting up for the
black hole slam, but Anderson uses the rope to pull himself to safety
and live to see another day.
Mick Foley is in Hogan and
Bischoff’s office and surrounded by a herd of security guards. Foley
says he hates what Bischoff’s done with his company (when was it ever
his company?). Bischoff then dismisses the security and camera men for
some reason, so he could talk to Foley behind closed doors (not that
there’s anything wrong with that).
Match #5: AJ Styles vs. Kurt
Angle for the TNA Heavyweight Title
I’d rather see 100 of these
matches in a row than watching anything else on tonight’s show once.
AJ attacks Angle right from the opening bell, but Kurt fights back with
a back body drop, followed by a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and a snap
suplex. He then proceeds to stomp a Steve Austin-inspired mudhole in
the corner. Angle goes for a German suplex, but AJ grabs the ref to
pull himself closer to the ropes and delivers a low blow, shades of
his new mentor. Back from commercial, Angle regains control with an
overhead belly-to-belly suplex. He then tries the Angle slam, but AJ
counters with an armdrag. Angle fights back with rolling German suplexes.
The first and second are traditional, but the third one is released
and causes AJ to flip 360, giving Angle a near fall. Angle tries the
Angle slam again, but AJ slips away and connects with the Pele. Angle
locks in the ankle lock, only to have AJ reverse it and then…
…Earl Hebner, who is the
referee for this match, instructs the ring announcer to ring the bell,
even though there has been no submission by Kurt Angle.
Winner: AJ Styles by screwjob?
Angle is then confused and
irate at the same time. Hogan comes out, looking confused as well. Angle
questions Hogan’s abilities as a leader and spits in his face, saying
“I’m going back to the WWE! I’m going back to Vince!”
After the break, Angle goes
ballistic and starts destroying equipment and walks off screen.
Then, if that wasn’t enough
(it never is with TNA), Eric Bischoff comes out with his face dripping
with blood.
He takes the microphone and
says “Mick Foley! You’re Fired!” And thus ends another confusing
edition of TNA Impact.
Final thoughts:
Where do I even begin? Did
I miss something here, or did half the roster just suddenly decide to
take the night off? Where was Daniels? Desmond Wolfe? Samoa Joe? The
Machine Guns? Beer Money? Tara? Amazing Red? Awesome Kong? Where was
everybody? And then the stars that were on the show were made to look
like idiots. Bubba the love sponge needs to be fired, as he once again
proved how useless he is. The Nasty Boys can join him in line. The only
segments I kind of liked were the opening with Flair and AJ and the
Mr. Anderson segment, until Abyss had to come out and ruin it. The main
event was great as always, but the finish was just so over-the-top and
showed no creativity whatsoever. Bobby Lashley looked like probably
the biggest idiot of the night as they had him basically begging for
his job. And they wasted so much time on Hall and 6 Pac and Bubba the
love sponge, where they could have used that time to develop a storyline
or a character or even a MATCH! Anyway, I was terribly disappointed
with tonight’s show and I hope that TNA doesn’t continue down this
path. 2 out of 10 and that’s only because of the in-ring for the main
event.
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