TNA Impact Report for Jan 29 – Handicap Hell
Normal
0
false
false
false
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:”";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
First, a note: It’s been said that our
lives are defined by choices, good and bad. This week, I made the worst mistake
I possibly could have made in my capacity as a writer for this site- I read the
spoilers for this week’s Impact. Normally, I like to watch the show as it airs,
and react accordingly, without any foreknowledge of the matches or angles. This
week however, I was told that the show would be especially dire. It was closely
likened to the infamous episode of WCW’s Monday Nitro when the New World Order
took over the show, resulting in one of the worst televised wrestling shows of
all time. Sure enough, this week was utterly, utterly appalling- the type of
show that isn’t just bad, but that can actually do irreparable damage to
wrestlers’ careers, and by proxy to the promotion itself. Still, I dutifully
watched Impact, and though it was a joyless experience, I’ll do my best to
dispassionately report on Vince Russo’s latest atrocities- if only so I can
share my hell with the rest of you. Schadenfreude’s a bitch.
Impact opens with a video package in the
style of a political campaign ad made by the Main Event Mafia. The Mafia is
unstoppable, the Frontlines are ingrates, blah blah blah…nothing you haven’t
seen before. From there, we go to Jeff Jarrett’s office, where Kurt Angle has
set up shop. Jim Cornette marches in and tells Angle that he and the Mafia
won’t get away with hijacking Impact, but Angle scoffs and asks who could
possibly stop them. He points out that Mick Foley isn’t there, and Jeff Jarrett
is still licking his wounds at home. Cornette begins to protest again, but
Angle warns him to shut up, threatening to sic his private security on him.
Cornette resignedly flops onto a couch and kicks up his feet to watch the
upcoming train wreck with the rest of
us. Satisfied, Angle signals for the start of the show, and the intro music
plays.
We head out to the Impact Zone and our
announcers, Kevin Nash and Booker T, using the names “Chet Lemon” and “Black
Snow”. After some quick one-liners, they send us to our Mafia interviewer,
Sharmelle, who’s standing by with ODB. Sharmell cracks wise, calling ODB an
obnoxious, dumb bimbo. ODB retorts that Sharmell wouldn’t have such a smart
mouth if she didn’t have the Mafia’s security guard backing her up. Sharmell
taunts ODB about her upcoming four-on-one handicap match against the
Kongtourage, but ODB merely proclaims that she’s drunk, horny and ready to kick
some ass. Sharmell claims that the Mafia threw Taylor Wilde and Roxxi out of
the building earlier, but ODB is unphased; she brags that the only back up she
needs are her friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.
Next, we go to the ring, where our
announcer for the night is Scott Steiner, and that’s ALMOST worth watching this
shit for. Steiner is as incomprehensible as ever, and he plays it for comedy,
stumbling over everyone’s names. As the Kongtourage head out to the ring,
Booker T compares Sojournor Bolt to Claude “Thunderbolt” Patterson, which gets
the Matt Striker ridiculously obscure reference of the week award.
The
Kongtourage (Awesome Kong, Raisha Saeed, Rhaka Khan and Sojournor Bolt) vs. ODB
ODB goes on the offense early with a Belly
to Back Takedown on Bolt. She nails Bolt with a few clubbing blows, but Bolt
bull rushes her into the corner. SoJo nails ODB with a series of forearms, but
ODB reverses an Irish Whip with a Small Package for a one count. ODB hits Bolt
with a Clothesline, then forces Bolt out of the ring with a weak looking tackle
through the ropes. Khan enters the ring, and Nash has a funny line, comparing
her to a giraffe. Khan completely botches a Spinning Back Kick… why this
woman is employed by any wrestling company is beyond me. ODB rams Khan’s head
into a turnbuckle, but Khan no-sells it. Khan goes for a Mafia Kick, but she
ends up crotching herself on the top rope. I’ll let you puzzle out the details
on that. Khan falls to the outside, and Saeed come in to take her place. Saeed
is dressed in a new outfit, which I can best describe as “gay ninja with a
bedazzler”. ODB quickly disposes of Saeed as well, sending her out of the ring
after a pair of Clotheslines. ODB finally comes face to face with Kong, and
starts peppering her with punches, prompting a misplaced Muhammed Ali reference
from Booker. ODB goes for the ten-punch on Kong in the corner, as the rest of
the Kongtourage re-enter the ring. ODB suddenly leaps away from Kong,
delivering a second rope Diving Cross Body to Khan, Bolt and Saeed. ODB level
each of Kong’s kronies with Standing Clotheslines, before being taken out from
behind by Kong herself. The heels all start laying in the boots to ODB, with
Saeed directing traffic. Kong eventually hits the Implant Buster, and that’s
all she wrote.
Winner-
The Kongtourage (Kong over ODB via pinfall).
Backstage, Angle is still in Jarrett’s
office, raving about how great the show is going. Cornette berates Angle, and
brings up the possibility that Angle’s actions might force him to deal with
hospital bills, or even litigation…to say nothing of a pissed off Shane
McMahon. Jeremy Borash convinces Cornette to calm down, then tries to talk some
sense into Angle himself. JB asks Angle to consider dropping his hostile
takeover before someone gets hurt, but Angle scoffs and replies that people
getting hurt is the point. He claims he evened things out by booking Sting in a
handicap match against Team 3D tonight- what more do people want from him?
Borash tells Angle that he’s heard that Mick Foley is on the way to the arena,
and Angle goes into a paroxysm of maniacal laughter and says he wants Foley to
come. Angle then gets angry at Borash- he demands to know whose side Borash is
on, then hands him a stack of Main Event Mafia tee-shirts and orders him to go
sell them to the crowd.
Elsewhere, Sharmell is with referees Andrew
Thomas and Rudy Charles, who are scheduled to face Booker T in yet another
handicap match. Why book a match with two referees taking on a good wrestler,
in a match that won’t help anyone or accomplish anything? Because God hates
you, that’s why. Sharmell taunts the referees, saying that Booker is going to
cripple them tonight, and mockingly suggesting that they put in applications to
referee wheelchair basketball games. Thomas is terrified…he mumbles that he’s
not a wrestler, and he has a family to think of. Sharmell says that he should
have thought of that before Earl Hebnur and Shane Sewell screwed with her
husband (which makes NO sense). Charles is more confident (or stupid), citing
the amateur credentials listed on, of all things, his TNA trading card. Stupid,
stupid, stupid.
Andrew
Thomas and Rudy Charles vs. Booker T
Scott Steiner replaces Booker at the
announce table, while Borash hawks merch at ringside. In case you’re
interested, Earl Hebnur is the referee for this match.
Booker starts off by pie-facing Charles
twice, which Thomas of course sells like he’s been hit by a sledgehammer.
Booker lifts Charles up for a Hook Kick, followed by an Axe Kick. He drags
Charles over to Thomas and forces him to tag in. Booker then… you know what?
None of this matter. It’s not like this is a real match or anything. Go bust
out a DVD and watch a good match, cleanse your palate. Try Mysterio/Guerrero
from Halloween Havoc 1997 if you have it. I can wait.
Okay, back? Good. Hell of a finish, right?
Anyways, Booker beat down both refs for awhile, then pinned one with a Bookend.
Winner-
Booker T via pinfall.
After the match, Booker gets into Earl
Hebnur’s face, but Shane Sewell runs out for the save…or not. Booker beats
Sewell down handily, then leaves him lifeless with an Axe Kick. Sewell joins
the ever growing ranks of ineffectual and worthless TNA babyfaces.
In Jarrett’s office, Kurt Angle is trying
to get the production guys to focus on hotties in the crowd. His efforts are
interrupted by the arrival of Sting, wearing Prince’s outfit from the cover of Purple Rain. The Artist formerly known
as Blade Runner Flash confronts Angle, saying he knows what Angle is up to,
booking him in tonight’s handicap match. Angle plays dumb, saying Sting is the
TNA World Heavyweight Champion- can’t he beat two guys that have to tag in and
out of the match? Sting reminds Angle that in two weeks, they’ll both be in the
same ring with Team 3D, and Angle can either have Sting as his friend or his
enemy.
Elsewhere backstage, Sharmell is with Matt
Morgan. She announces that in Morgan’s match against Petey Williams tonight,
Williams will have one hand tied behind his back. Morgan completely buries
Williams, reminding us all that in the eyes of TNA, Petey is and always will be
nothing more than a mid-card joke. Morgan then makes some generic threats
towards Abyss.
Matt
Morgan vs. Petey Williams
While introducing Williams, Scott Steiner launches
into an anti-Canadian rant, imploring Barack Obama to build a wall blocking off
the US’s northern border. As promised, Williams has one hand tied behindhis
back for this match.
Morgan starts the match on his knees,
taunting Williams, but he quickly eats a Dropkick and starts taking things
seriously again. Williams uses his speed and small size to dodge Morgan’s
punches and the Carbon Footprint, all the while delivering leg kicks to bring
the bigger man down to size. Morgan chases Williams around the ring, eventually
catching him by the throat, but Petey escapes again with another sharp leg
kick. Morgan finally takes control with a big Falling Clothesline, followed by
some Alternating Back Elbow Strikes in the corner, a big Running Body Avalanche
and a Sidewalk Slam. Morgan covers Williams, but breaks the pin at two to deal
some more damage. Morgan begins to work on William’s untied arm. He hits a
Fall-Away Slam and covers Petey again, but again breaks the pin. Steiner begins
yelling suggestions to Morgan from ringside, but while Morgan is distracted,
Williams manages to free his trapped arm. After playing possum for a few moments,
Williams explodes with a flurry of punches and a few Flying Forearms, but he
just bounces off of Morgan’s massive frame. Williams connects with a Slingshot
Lung-Blower, but Morgan is only staggered. With a Missile Dropkick, Williams
finally takes Morgan off his feet. Steiner hops up on the apron, but Petey
knocks him off with a Dropkick. The distraction serves its purpose though, as
it gives Morgan time to recover, and Williams turns around and walks right into
the Carbon Footprint.
Winner-
Matt Morgan via pinfall.
After the match, Morgan delivers the
Hellevator to Williams, which is apparently now called the Blueprint Bomb.
Steiner follows up, slapping on the Steiner Recliner. Jay Lethal, Consequences
Creed and Eric Young run out to (in theory) make the save, but Booker runs out
and helps Steiner and Morgan destroy the babyfaces, while still calling the
match no less. I’m surprised they didn’t put the X Division title on Sharmell
tonight.
After a commercial break and some clips
from earlier tonight- as if anyone wanted to visit any of it- Team 3D head out
to the ring, stopping briefly to stare down Booker and Kevin Nash on their way
down the ramp. Brother Ray grabs a microphone and cuts a promo saying that he
actually feels bad for Sting tonight. He and Devon don’t really want to face
Sting in a handicap match, but Kurt Angle has put Sting into a corner, and now
Sting will have to fight his way out against one of the greatest tag teams that
has ever existed. Ray says that “seven or eight week ago”, when the Main Event
Mafia took him out, Sting did nothing by stand by and watch. Ray asks Sting why
he didn’t do anything then, and why he continues to lie to himself and to the
fans now. Ray tells Sting not to take the ass whipping he takes tonight personally,
because when either Ray or Brother Devon wins the TNA Heavyweight Championship
at Against All Odds, they won’t take beating Sting personally either. I know,
that didn’t make a lick of fucking sense.
Team
3D vs. Sting
Scott Steiner announces Team 3D as “hailing
from Dunkin’ Donuts”…he’s actually pretty funny in this role.
Sting and Devon start things off. Devon
alternates between working on Sting’s arm and head with basic holds. Brother
Ray tags in and hits a few Clotheslines. Boring match so far. Devon tags back
in and hits a Tornado Shoulder Block. Sting bails out of the ring and starts
heading towards the back, but Steiner intercepts him for a quick discussion.
Ray heads out and attacks Steiner, then tosses Sting back into the ring. Before
Ray can get back in, Steiner attacks him from behind, while Sting locks up with
Devon, taking us into a break.
When we come back, Steiner has disappeared,
but Sting has the upper hand in the ring with Devon. Mutual Clotheslines take
both men down, and Devon manages to make the tag to Ray. Ray comes in with a
flurry of right hands, Clotheslines and a Sidewalk Slam. Steiner makes a
reappearance distracting the referee, and Kurt Angle runs out from the back to
hit Ray with a Low Blow. I thought the point of this match was he wanted Team
3D to soften Sting up? Whatever. Sting hits Devon with a shitty Stinger Splash,
then goes for the ten punches in the corner. Ray nails Sting from behind, and
Team 3D hits an ugly looking Doomsday Device. Angle slides into the ring again
and blatantly attacks Ray in front of the referee, for the cheap
disqualification.
Winners-
Team 3D via disqualification.
After the match, the Main Event Mafia start
laying a beating on the babyfaces. What a novel concept. Booker heads down to ringside
and produces a table. Angle and Booker start to set the table up in the ring,
when suddenly Mick Foley’s music plays. Foley, Abyss and LAX all run out and
chase the Mafia away, and I want to call bullshit on that. Where were Abyss and
LAX earlier? Did they all carpool in with Foley? I know Foley’s known to be a cheap
guy, but are gas prices really that bad? And what kind of company doesn’t
expect its performers to show up until an hour into a live show?
After a break, Foley, Abyss and LAX are
still in the ring, while the Mafia continue to mill around ringside. Foley
announces that the Mafia’s little takeover is over, and now he has some
announcements to make. Foley says that when Hernandez cashed in his Feast or
Fired title match two weeks ago, he was screwed over by Mafia interference. To
make things right, Foley promises Hernandez another TNA World Heavyweight
Championship match at a future date. Foley says that since Scott Steiner seems
to life to play with weapons, tonight he’ll face Abyss in a Weapons match, but
with a twist- only Abyss will be allowed to use any of the plunder. Foley jokes
that Steiner will be like a little boy on Christmas who finds out Santa forgot
to bring him any toys. Finally, Foley says that he enjoys booking handicap matches
as much as Kurt Angle does, so tonight Angle will take on both members of LAX
in the main event. Booking handicap matches much be much more fun than watching
them, because they’ve all sucked tonight.
Backstage, Jim Cornette has summoned the
regular TNA staff for a pep talk. He says that they’re back in control now, and
they have a show to run. Mike Tenay and Don West head back to the announce
table, and Jeremy Borash and Lauren go back to doing jobs that could be
performed by a microphone duct taped to a coat rack. Cornette also makes an
announcement, that Booker T will take on Shane Sewell at Against All Odds.
Steiner
vs. Abyss (Weapons Match, sort of)
Abyss heads out to the ring followed by
three roadies carrying garbage cans full of weapons. Abyss tosses about a dozen
weapons into the ring, but every time he turns away, Steiner tosses the prop
back out of the ring. That was funny.
Abyss slides into the ring to start the
match, but Steiner meets him coming in with some hard boots, a few right hands
and a series of knee strikes. Abyss manages to get off an Irish Whip, but he
drops his head and Steiner gives him a sharp kick to the temple. Steiner runs
the ropes, but eats a pair of Clotheslines and a big Body Avalanche in the
corner. Abyss grabs a chair and wedges it in one of the corners. Steiner bails
out of the ring and grabs a few of Abyss’ toys, but Abyss follows and cuts
Steiner off with a kick to the gut. Abyss rams Steiner’s head into the
timekeeper’s bell, then throws him hard into the side of a big elevated
platform the Spanish announce table sits on. Abyss charges at Steiner, but
Steiner dodges and Abyss crashes right through the side of the platform. Maybe
if TNA put on better matches, they could afford to make sets out of sturdier
materials than balsa wood.
After a break, we get a bunch of replays of
Abyss’ crash. Awesome Kong did the same spot last year, and much better. We go
back to the action in the ring, and Steiner has once again grabbed an illegal
weapon, a chair in this case. The referee orders Steiner to drop it, but
Steiner shoves him aside. Abyss takes the opportunity to punch the chair into
his face, then smashes him over the head with a garbage can for a two count.
Steiner is busted over. Steiner whips Abyss towards the chair wedged in the
corner, but Abyss slings backwards, only for Steiner to catch him coming down
with a kick to the crotch. Abyss used the exact same spot in his match with
Beer Money Inc. last week. Steiner shoves Abyss face-first into the chair, but
since Abyss set the chair up, he’s not disqualified…that makes very little
sense. Steiner grabs the timekeeper’s bell, but Abyss grabs him by the throat
and Chokeslams him onto a garbage can. Abyss snatches up the bell, but Steiner
whacks it into his face with a pipe. Disqualification. Jesus wept.
Winner-
Abyss via disqualification.
After the match, Steiner whips the weapons
out of the ring (clipping a cameraman with the broken garbage can). Steiner
nails Abyss with a chair shot, then chokes him with the chair. The lights go
down, and Suicide comes out to make the save. I had really hoped with
Kazarian’s second injury, this lame duck gimmick would be forgotten. Suicide
uses a Snapmare set up to ram Steiner’s face into a turnbuckle, and Steiner
bails out of the ring. Suicide briefly poses with Abyss before the lights go
dark, and he disappears back in to video game land. So fucking stupid…like,
overly tight flight suit and “Mission Accomplished” on an aircraft carrier
stupid.
Another Brutus Magnus promo airs, showing
him for the first time. Anyone expecting Russell Crowe will be greatly
disappointed. Then again, if you were hoping Magnus would look like the front-man
of a shitty Britpop band, you’re in for a pleasant surprise.
Global Impact clips air next, followed by a
segment that may not have been the WORST on the show tonight, but was certainly
the most surreal. Backstage, Lauren attempts to interview two bull riders…and
their bull. The bull riders plug the debut of Toughest Cowboy, an asinine new
show by Mark Burnett that’s debuting after Impact. Call it Spike TV all you
want, it’ll always be The Nashville Network to me. Beer Money Inc. heads over
to taunt the bull riders- James Storm claims to be the greatest cowboy ever,
because he rode both of their mommas last night. We quickly cut away, which is
a shame, since Storm was the first worthwhile thing on my screen all night.
LAX
vs. Kurt Angle
Angle and Homicide start off. Homicide hits
a Belly to Back Takedown, but Angle reverses on the ground into a Hammerlock.
Homicide rolls to his feet and hits a Drop Toe Hold, then floats through into a
Front Facelock. Homicide goes to work on Angle’s arm, but Angle gets a rope
break, and follows up with a cheap punch to the gut. Angle whips Homicide into
the ropes, but Homicide ducks a Clothesline and hits a big Headscissor
Takedown. Homicide hits a Shoulder Block and tags in Hernandez. LAX double team
Angle for awhile, and Homicide gets a two count. Angle comes back with a pair
of European Uppercuts on Hernandez, but Hernandez catches Angle coming in and
shoves him halfway across the ring. Hernandez Clotheslines Angle to the
outside, then follows him out with a nice Vaulting Body Press. You know,
there’s nothing wrong with this match, yet I’m watching the clock just counting
down the minutes until Impact ends. That says a lot.
Back from break, Homicide and Angle go at
it. Homicide runs into a nice Tilt a Whirl Backbreaker. Angle stalks Homicide
and goes for the Angle Slam, but Homicide escapes. Angle quickly applies the
Ankle Lock, but Homicide kicks him off. Angle goes for the Angle Slam again,
but Homicide counters into an Elevated DDT. Homicide makes the tag to
Hernandez, but Angle has the referee distracted. Hernandez is forced back out
of the ring, while Angle lays in the boots to Homicide. Angle slaps on a
Reverse Chin Lock, but Homicide punches his way out. He catches a kick from
Angle and hits a Dragon Screw. Homicide tries for a Single Leg Boston Crab, but
Angle kicks him off. Homicide tries the Gringo Cutter, but Angle counters again
with a Rolling Body Scissors into the Ankle Lock. Homicide rolls through,
sending Angle into a Slingshot Shoulder Block from Hernandez. The referee who
was so concerned with LAX making the tag a few minutes ago doesn’t seem to care
anymore. Hernandez uses his shirt to launch Angle across the ring with a Biel
Toss, following that with a Scoop Sit-Out Powerbomb. Hernandez goes for the
Border Toss, but Angle escapes. Hernandez charges at Angle, but gets sent hard
into the post, crashing to the outside. Homicide goes for a quick Schoolboy for
a long two count. Angle comes back, but eats a Gringo Cutter. Homicide goes for
the Gringo Killer, but his leg buckles, and Angle manages to hit the Angle
Slam. You guessed it- Angle beats two of TNA’s most important up-and-coming
stars cleanly.
Winner-
Kurt Angle via pinfall.
The show ends with a cutaway to a shot of
the back of Samoa Joe’s head. Joe teases his return, then turns around,
revealing his new war paint/facial tattoos. So much for Joe being the one
Samoan wrestler to reject stereotypes.
Final
Thoughts-
To paraphrase Jerry Holkins, if I have to
watch another show like tonight’s Impact, I’m going to kill myself. Others may
die also…I’m going to play it by ear.
You know, I once said that wrestling can be
judged by the same merits as porn- a good story is nice, but that’s really not
why you’re watching. As bad as Vince Russo’s writing is and always has been, as
long as the matches delivered, I was willing to be a TNA fan. Tonight though
was too much. If this is the product TNA wants to sell, I don’t want to buy it,
and I won’t be watching much longer.
I like the stars of TNA. If they run
another house show in Oshawa, I’ll be there to buy a ticket. I might even catch
the odd TNA pay per view, if there’s nothing else going on. As of right now
though, I have absolutely no desire to ever see Impact again, and I have a
feeling I’m not the only one who feels that way.
All Content © 2011 by Fight Media Inc. | Site Developed by Nautical Progressions
