TNA Impact Report for July 2 – Tag Match for TNA Title
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Welcome to this week’s edition of
‘Impact’ taped last week in Orlando
at the Impact Zone entitled ‘Double J Takes Control’.
We kick off the show with the Main
Event Mafia including Samoa Joe coming to the
ring. Joe is straight out of the Village People with his garb. Angle says that
the deal with Sting was not personal but only business. Angle calls out Mick
Foley, who enters the ring along with his ‘muscle’ Sally and Rocco and is
accosted by Angle for forcing Scott Steiner and Booker T. to have to wrestle
Team 3-D in order to get a Tag Title shot against Beer Money Inc. Angle quotes
the movie ‘Rocky’ and says ‘If you want to dance, you have to pay the band’.
Foley responds and want to be left alone because he’s had a bad week and just
wants to wrestle Angle for the title at the PPV – what a babyface! Foley sends
Rocco and Sally to the wolves and Steiner comically destroys these two men with
a metal pipe. Foley tells the Mafia to kick his ass but just leave enough of
him to wrestle at ‘Victory Road’.
Angle decides to play ‘Let’s Make a Deal’ where he gives the Foley the option
of which Mafia member will kick his ass – the multiple choice exam options are Angle,
Booker, Nash and Joe to choose from. Foley chooses a) and gets the hell beat out
of him by all of them (which was not one of the options). Jarrett makes the save
with his guitar and the Mafia flee the ring. Yes, 5 men ran off with one of
those men armed with a pipe for the aging owner with a musical instrument! With
Jarrett and Foley left in the ring Jarrett clocks Foley with the musical
instrument -what a prick! The Mafia laugh and this entire segment is dedicated
to showcasing the top babyface of the company is a total fool.
We go to a taped interview with
Kevin Nash conducted by Mike Tenay. Nash is called the most ‘controversial’
figure in pro wrestling history. Nash says he was on the road 311 days in 1996
as WWE champion (he meant 1995). Nash says he jumped to WCW because Bischoff
offered him more money for less dates. He then chats about pay offs for ‘SummerSlam’
and is not in this business for good matches but making money. I wish TNA had
that philosophy about how they use their TV time. He says he’s in the best
shape he’s been in the last ten years. He says he wants to win the Legend’s
Title because he can add $3,000 – $4,000 on the autograph circuit to put a
title on a kid’s shoulder for a picture. I would be shocked if any child has
even heard of the Legend’s Title. I wonder if a title win means he’ll work TNA
house shows?
Abyss is tearing shit apart backstage
looking for Dr. Stevie with Lauren acting scared and telling ‘Chris…IT’S ME’!
CHRIS says he’ll never hurt Lauren but he’s sick and he’ll be sick all his
life. Why hasn’t she dumped this guy yet? Abyss says he never asked Lauren to
stop being a woman so she shouldn’t ask him to stop being a monster and Lauren
replies ‘No YOU’RE A MAN’ – I was entertained by this!
Cody Deaner is ready to make his
re-debut with ODB. Deaner’s warm up includes shadow boxing towards ODB’s boobs.
Cody Deaner Vs Amazing Red
Tenay has Don West explain the
philosophy behind the term ‘Give ‘er’ – this was enlightening. Red hits a
twisting plancha over the top rope onto Deaner on the floor. Do we have a heel
in this match? Deaner has adopted the Kobashi lariat to this arsenal. Deaner
resembles Billy Gunn circa 1993. Red goes for a moonsault but is knocked off
the top by Deaner. Deaner misses a diving headbutt off the top and walks into a
tornado DDT – called the ‘Red Eye’ for Red to score the clean win in 4:29.
Abyss is still going ape shit in
the back. Security approaches him WITH BATS. The old security dude gets in his
face and tells ‘Chris’ that he may kick his ass but he won’t let this happen on
his watch – who is this guy?
Borash is with Jarrett in the
locker room asking why he is getting his gear ready (did he not check the
website all week and see he’s working the main event?). The Mafia walk in
applauding Jarrett and Angle offers a peace offering with Jarrett joining the
Mafia and ruling TNA for he next ten years. Jarrett tells him to go to hell and
we get a history lesson of Jarrett bringing Angle into TNA and he abused his
power. Jarrett says ‘we’re playing by my rules tonight’. Jarrett says the main
event is a tag match with Angle & Joe Vs Jarrett & Styles and the winner
of the fall takes the title – this was advertised on TNA’s own website all
week! Booker T. is very offended by this decision.
They immediately have a graphic
for the main event with the text ‘With Special Stipulations’ – because God
knows how a world title is up for grabs in a tag match so why even bother
explaining it.
Lauren is with Jenna Morasca and
ask about the match with Sharmell at ‘Victory
Road’. Morasca says Sharmell is not much of a
wrestler and is interrupted by Sojo Bolt – who calls her an ‘pale anorexic
pancake ass white girl’ and Sharmell is ‘her girl’. Suddenly Sojo and Sharmell
are BFFs. Bolt ends ‘It’s not whether you can dig it, it’s whether you can
SURVIVE IT’.
Mafia with Borash backstage. Angle
says Jarrett just signed his own death certificate with his own blood. Angle
says he always dreamed about teaming with Joe and tonight that becomes a
reality (call me crazy but weren’t these two Tag Team champions in 2007?
Wikipedia folks!). Booker asks Sharmell to go find Matt Morgan and they argue
about who should go find him.
Eric Young Vs Rhino
One week after the shove felt
round the universe we have the blow off match. Jesse Neal is at ringside and is
attacked by Young during the match.
Rhino hits a spinebuster and has a visionary fall on Young but Neal has
the ref’s attention and Rhino gets in the face of Neal, Young shoves Rhino into
Neal and rolls up Rhino for what Don West call’s ‘the biggest win of Young’s
career’. Dump this anchor Rhino!
Sharmell is backstage and finds
Matt Mogran on the cell phone with his gym. Sharmell says Angle wants to see
Morgan, who is ecstatic about this news. He assumes he’s being signed to the
Mafia.
Morgan enters the Mafia’s locker
room. Morgan refers to Angle as ‘GF’, which means ‘Godfather’ and not
‘Girlfriend’, which for a guy who takes other men to the ‘mile high club’ might
be hard to decipher. Angle says he has more chores for Morgan to complete.
Angle wants Daniels taken care of so he doesn’t get involved in the main event.
Morgan says his patience is running thin.
Promo airs for Sarita (Sarah
Stock) who debuts in two weeks.
The Beautiful People enter -
Madison Rayne is carrying a poster for ‘Victory Road’ featuring TBP – which is
the best use of Rayne.
Angelina Love & Velvet Sky Vs
Awesome Kong & Tara
Tara’s new gimmick is she carries a tarantula spider in a box to the ring
- wasn’t this Dustin Rhodes gimmick when he was here with a rat?
Don West discusses texting with
Velvet Sky at 4am the night prior. Mike Tenay asks about the difference between
‘texting’ and ‘sexting’. Terrible visual with Don West.
I wish Love and Sky were on ‘Raw’
every week with Maryse.
Kong pins Sky with the Impact
Buster.
Tara puts the tarantula on Sky and West remarks ‘I hope that’s a male
tarantula’.
Love is backstage with Lauren
scared of the tarantula. Love is worried because that could have been crawling on
her instead of Sky. Lauren asks Love what is on her shoulder and Love runs as
Lauren laughs.
Beer Money Inc. comes to the
commentary booth and West is overjoyed to have these two join him.
Team 3-D Vs Scott Steiner &
Booker T – announced as a ‘Non Title Match’ despite neither team holding the
TNA tag titles
The winners of this match face
Beer Money Inc. for the Tag Titles at ‘Victory Road’.
Storm notes that the most elite
teams in the world are in TNA. Hmm…Briscoes? KENTA & Marufuji? Richards
& Edwards?
Beer Money are now playing
babyfaces again after playing heels for a one week build for the last PPV. I
enjoyed the British Invasion on commentary a lot more than Storm & Roode.
Steiner hits a belly to belly
suplex on D-Von, which is an accomplishment in 2009. Bubba Bomb on Steiner
(hasn’t he been Brother Ray for almost four years now?)
Sheik Abdul Bashir and Kiyoshi
come and attack Beer Money Inc. at ringside and they fight backstage.
3-D is hit on Booker but ref is
distracted by Shamell, 3-D then hits the ‘wazzzup’ on Steiner.
British Invasion come to ringside
and Brutus Magnus hits Ray with the briefcase and allows Booker to pin Ray.
This match featured five tag teams
between contestants, run ins and commentary – too much.
Steiner & Booker face Beer
Money Inc. at the PPV.
Mike Tenay throws to Lauren and
then corrects himself – ‘On second thought we’ll be right back after this commercial
break’ – ISN’T THIS TAPED TO AVOID GAFFES LIKE THAT? Just eliminate the audio
of the throw!
Back from the impromptu commercial
and Jethro Holiday is back on TV!
Jay Lethal’s music is playing but
backstage Abyss is destroying Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed. Abyss heads to
the ring and throws Holiday out of the ring.
He grabs the mic and tells Dr. Stevie to come out from wherever he is. Abyss
says he doesn’t need Dr. Stevie anymore and will no longer be attending therapy
sessions. Abyss needs to do a cameo on ‘In Treatment’ for some crossover -
Gabriel Byrne would be so much better as a heel than Stevie Richards. Abyss
notes he has a ‘350 pound ass’ – Christ, forget shock therapy he needs a
physical therapist. Stevie has kidnapped Lauren. Stevie says he owns Abyss and
that Abyss will come to his office next week for therapy. This storyline is so
past expired by this point.
Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe Vs Jeff
Jarrett & A.J Styles where the winner of the fall becomes the TNA champion
(this is the type of match David Arquette won the WCW Title in back in May
2000)
Joe’s left bicep looks TREMENDOUS.
Angle is listed at 230 pounds – absolutely no way the shape he’s in right now.
He does look about 55 years old with the beard and balding look.
West calls Jarrett ‘The Master of
the Hamstring’, which made me laugh.
The heat is between Styles and Joe
as former best friends with Styles feeling betrayed and we have Styles Vs Nash
at the PPV?
Styles sells for a considerable
amount of time. Jarrett is knocked off the apron for one failed hot tag but
eventually Styles gets the tag to Jarrett after hitting the Pele kick on
Joe. Styles hits a springboard forearm
and knocks Joe into the official. This leads to Jarrett getting a visionary
fall on Angle. Jarrett grabs the guitar but is stopped by Slick Johnson and
this leads to Angle applying the ankle lock on Jarrett. Jarrett is close to
tagging Styles but Joe knocks Styles off of the apron with Angle pulling
Jarrett into the middle of the ring. Jarrett is playing superman refusing to
tap out. Slick Johnson raises the hand of Jarrett three times and it drops and
Angle gets the win with Jarrett passing out.
The Mafia enter the ring after the
win by Styles runs in with the Legend’s Title to scare off the Mafia. Styles
attacks Joe and puts Joe in his guard and the Mafia re-enters and beat down
Styles. Sting makes the save and clears the ring to end the show.
Decent edition of ‘Impact’ but
little push towards the PPV and the main event of Angle and Foley, didn’t do
anything to entice me on buying that show. Joe is simply the muscle of the Mafia
right now and needs a new wardrobe fast.
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