TNA Impact Report for March 15
Week two of Monday Night Impact begins
with a video package recapping the big events last week: Sting’s return
and heel turn, Rob Van Dam’s debut and subsequent ass-kicking, the big
main event and Jeff Hardy’s run in at the end. This is followed by a
shot of Hulk Hogan, Abyss, Hardy and RVD all arriving at the Impact
Zone together in a big humvee. I think that kind of defeats the purpose
of carpooling, guys…
After the obligatory opening theme
and pyro display, we start the show off properly with AJ Styles and
Ric Flair making their way down to the ring. Styles calls Abyss a scary-looking
but stupid monster, and promises that Abyss’ “magic ring”
won’t help him at Destination X on Sunday. He says that they’ve had
classic battles in the past and always pushed one another to the limit,
but the result has always been AJ up, Abyss down. Styles claims to be
the best wrestler in the world, and a gift from God. Flair takes the
mic, and boy is he ever worked up. Flair blasts Hogan for busting open
his forehead against the guardrail last week. Flair starts hitting himself
in the head, opening up the wound he suffered last week. Blood starts
pouring down Flair’s face- great visual. Flair says that he and Styles
had Hogan and Abyss where they wanted them until Hardy got involved.
This brings out Hardy, with his face
done up to look like a cross between the Heath Ledger Joker and one
of the Insane Clown Posse. Before Hardy can say anything, Styles demands
to know who he thinks he is. The Phenomenal One calls Hardy a nobody,
who’s never done anything in TNA. He quickly challenges Hardy to a match
tonight, saying that Hardy wants the spotlight so badly, but he won’t
know what to do with it once he has it. Hardy takes the mic and simply
says tonight will be a breeze. Flair tells Hardy to go paint a picture
or get high sniffing some paint. Hardy replies that he’ll fly high tonight
on the backs of his “creatures of the night” (no, really),
then finishes off with a crazy Bruce Dickinson scream.
Back stage in Eric Bischoff’s office,
Mick Foley is being berated for helping out Jeff Jarrett last week.
Bischoff says that tonight he’s going to finally make Foley into the
executive he needs and wants him to be, by shaving Foley’s trademark
hair and beard off in the middle of the ring.
[commercial break]
We return to the announcement that
later tonight Hulk Hogan will confront Sting over his actions last week.
From there, Mike Tenay and Taz throw u to footage from earlier in the
day, which sees the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart ambush Jesse Neal at craft
services, putting him through a table. Back in the here and now, the
Nasty Boys and Hart are in the ring. Knobs says that they were supposed
to face Neal and Team 3D in a six-man tag match tonight, but now it
looks like it’ll have to be a handicap match. Team 3D comes out, but
before they hit the ring, Brother Ray announces that they found themselves
another partner- the returning Brother Runt!
The Nasty
Boyz (Brian Knobs and Jerry Sags) and Jimmy Hart vs. Team 3D (Brother
Devon, Brother Ray and Brother Runt)
Devon and Sags start things off. Sags
fires off a few tepid punches, before going down to a flying shoulder
block. Devon tags in Runt, who hits Sags with a double axe handle off
the top rope. Runt hits the Battering Ram, but Sags uses his power advantage
to muscle Runt into the Nastys’ corner, where he and Knobs deliver the
Pit Stop. Knobs tags in just long enough to ram Runt’s face into Sags’
boot, before tagging in Hart. The Mouth of the South puts the boots
to Runt, then takes off his belt and teases whipping his downed foe,
but Runt rolls out of the way and tags in Ray. The Nastys come in illegally,
but Ray runs through them both with clotheslines. Sags rolls out to
the floor, but Runt meets him with another flying double axe handle.
Ray delivers the Bionic Elbow to Knobs, but with the referee distracted
by Hart, Knobs still manages to grab his motorcycle helmet from ringside
and corks Ray in the head with it for the pin fall. Absolutely awful
match.
Winners- The Nasty Boys and Jimmy
Hart (Knobs over Ray by pinfall).
After the match, Knobs takes out Devon
and Runt with the helmet. He and Sags set up a table in the ring, but
Neal runs out (with taped up ribs) to make the save. Knobs bails out,
so Ray and Devon nail Sags with an ugly 3D through the table, nearly
dropping him on his misshapen head. Seriously, the Nasty Boys may be
the worst wrestlers in any major promotion in North America- and that
includes the Great Khali and Scott Hall.
We go to the back next, where Christy
Hemme is waiting with Angelina Love. Love says that it sucks that the
Beautiful People won the Knockout Tag Team Titles last week. She’s mad,
and she’s going to do something about it tonight. Love offers an open
challenge for any member of the Beautiful People (especially Velvet
Sky) to meet her in the ring for a match tonight. Love says that it’s
time to start cleansing TNA, one Beautiful Person at a time.
[commercial break]
When we come back, Jeremy Borash is
backstage with Hall and Syxx-Pac. I guess they were allowed in tonight
for some reason? Borash recaps the stipulation for their match against
Kevin Nash and Eric Young on Sunday. Pac says that he and Hall have
been kicked out of better places than TNA, and Hall promises that at
Destination X, “Big Sellout” will get what’s coming to him,
and Young will learn not to mess with business that isn’t his. As if
on cue…well, actually, on cue- Nash and Young show up. Nash challenges
Hall to a special match tonight- if Hall can last five minutes in the
ring with him, he’ll win $25,000 of Nash’s own money. Hall agrees, and
Nash says he had better hope he wins the money- he’ll need it to pay
for healthcare.
Mr. Anderson and Desmond Wolfe (with
Chelsea) vs. Kurt Angle and Pope D’Angelo
Dinero
Anderson comes to ring to clips of
the beating he got last week from Angle and members of the U.S. Army.
The Pope comes out still selling his ankle injury.
Angle and Wolfe start the match, trading
arm locks. Anderson refuses an early tag, but takes a cheap shot at
Angle while the referee isn’t looking. As soon as Angle’s down, Anderson
tags in and starts laying the boots to the Olympic champion. Anderson
chokes Angle up against the bottom rope before tagging Wolfe back in.
Wolfe hits Angle with a double hand thrust to the throat, but Angle
rallies back with a belly to belly suplex. Angle manages to make the
tag to the Pope, who comes at Wolfe with a series of Polish hammers
and a back body drop. The Pope nails Wolfe with a few pointed elbows
to the head, then catches Anderson coming in with an uppercut palm thrust.
Angle comes in and nails Anderson with the Angle Slam and tries to do
the same to Wolfe, but Wolfe slips out and hits Angle with a big falling
armbreaker. Wolfe turns his attention back to the Pope and goes for
a figure four leg lock, but Pope rolls him up in a quick cradle for
the surprise pinfall.
Winners- Kurt Angle and Pope
D’Angelo Dinero (Dinero over Wolfe by
pinfall).
Right after the bell, Wolfe attacks
the Pope from behind, and the two brawl up the entrance ramp and out
of sight. In the ring, Anderson nails Angle with the Mic Check, then
grabs Angle’s army medal and uses it to slice open Angle’s head. As
Angle lays bleeding on the mat, Anderson magically summons his microphone
from the sky. He taunts Angle, saying this is just a small sample of
what’s in store for him this Sunday. Anderson finishes up by bashing
the microphone into Angle’s open wound. After the beating Anderson took
last week, this was a great way of getting his heat back- great segment.
[commercial break]
During the break, we’re given a quick
shot of the Beautiful People arguing over who’s going to have to face
Angelina Love.
In Hulk Hogan’s office, the Hulkster
is hanging out with the two newest members of the TNA roster, Jeff Hardy
and Rob Van Dam. Hogan tells them he has a plan for tonight and sends
them on their way, just as Eric Bischoff enters the room. Bischoff says
that signing RVD and Hardy was a stroke of genius, but complains that
Hogan didn’t consult with him before hand. Hogan dismisses Bischoff’s
kvetching by saying he seemed to have his hands full already with Jeff
Jarrett and Mick Foley. Bischoff simpers a bit before saying that tonight,
he’s going to use the situation with Foley to remind people who’s really
in charge.
At ringside, Angelina Love come out
for her match. She’s followed by the Beautiful People, who announce
that Love will be facing a one-night-only honorary member of the Beautiful
People. As Sky finishes speaking, Daffney sneaks into the ring and attacks
Love from behind.
Angelina
Love vs. Daffney
With Love down from the ambush attack,
Daffney punishes her with a camel clutch, then grinds her face into
the mat. Mike Tenay takes the opportunity to tell us that Daffney will
face Tara for her TNA Woman Knockouts Championship at Destination X.
Daffney rolls out and grabs a toolbox from under the ring. The pulls
out a hammer and goes after Love, but the referee snatches the weapon
away at the last moment. Love hits a double leg takedown and a few right
hands, but gets tripped by both Sky and Madison Rain from the outside,
leading to a quick disqualifiaction.
Winner- Angelina Love by
disqualifaction.
Rain and Sky each grab one of Love’s
legs and crotch her on the ring post (I guess). Daffney then grabs Love’s
legs from outside the ring and swings her head-first into the side of
the entrance ramp (nice spot). The Beautiful People drag Love into the
ring, but just then Tara runs out through the crowd to make the save.
Tara takes out all three members of the Beautiful People, delivering
the Widow’s Peak to Rain. She then stares daggers at Daffney, who cautiously
backs up the ramp. This whole segment lasted less than five minutes,
match and all, which is somewhat telling about how the current top brass
at TNA view the Knockouts division. By the way, we’re three for three
in post-match brawls.
[commercial break]
When we return, it’s more clips of
Sting’s heel turn last week. This leads to Hulk Hogan coming out to
the ring. Hogan says that game time is over. He says that last week
was more than just a train wreck (I guess he saw the ratings early).
Hogan says that he’s no stranger to laying in a pool of his own blood
next to his partner, but one thing he can’t get out of his head is the
sight of Abyss screaming “why, Sting, why?”. Hogan demands
Sting come to the ring and tell everyone why he stabbed TNA in the back.
The camera gets a shot of Sting lurking in the rafters, as Sting begins
the long, long trip down to the ring. The minutes tick by, and even
the announcers comment on how bloody long this is all taking- I wonder
how many people just flipped over to Raw? An eternity later, Sting maker
it to the entrance ramp, where he’s suddenly blindsided by Rob Van Dam.
RVD starts laying a revenge beating on Sting, including a pair of diving
side kicks off the stage and ring steps. Sting tries to escape through
the crowd, but RVD drags him back and rams him into the post. Sting
makes a break for his bat, but RVD stuns him with a thrust kick and
tosses the bat to Hogan inside the ring. RVD rolls Sting into the ring
and Hogan teases hitting him with the bat, but he’s interrupted by the
arrival of Eric Bischoff. Bischoff berates Hogan for refusing to stay
away from in-ring affairs, and orders security to escort Sting to the
back. Bischoff accuses Hogan of being out of control, then storms off.
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is hanging
out with Hernandez. SuperMex offers to team up with Jarrett if he wants
a shot at revenge against Beer Money tonight. All of a sudden, Bischoff
arrives, still fuming mad. Easy E tells Hernandez that if he wants a
match so bad, he can have one- a handicap match against Beer Money,
with Jarrett as the guest referee. Bischoff warns Jarrett to call things
down the middle, because if he screws up at all, he’ll never compete
inside a TNA ring again.
[commercial break]
As we come back from break, we find
out that for tonight’s match between AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy, Abyss
will be at ringside to act as a special guest enforcer.
Scott Hall vs. Kevin Nash (Five
Minute $25,000 Challenge Match)
This is going to be scary. Nash is
slow to start out, but eventually connects with a knee strike and a
few right hands, followed by a few shots to Hall’s back. Hall comes
back with punches of his own, and briefly works on Nash’s arm. He slaps
the back of Nash’s head, but that just pisses Big Sexy off, and he takes
Hall down hard. Nash nails a few knees and elbows in the corner, which
Taz calls “vintage Kevin Nash”, joking that he’s going to
try to work that word into his commentary every Monday night. Funny
stuff. Eventually, Syxx-Pac runs out and attacks Nash from behind. Taz
tells us that that’s not a disqualification, because this isn’t really
a match…despite the referee in the ring. Even he has a hard time believing
that one. Pac handcuffs Nash to the bottom rope and he and Hall start
stomping away at their former friend. Eric Young runs out to make the
save, but soon falls prey to the numbers game. Hall finishes Young with
a spinning forearm that looks like he got lost along the way. With their
enemies down, Hall and Pac celebrate, Nash’s money in hand.
[commercial break]
When we return, Jeremy Borash is in
the back with Beer Money. Robert Roode says that all they’ve wanted
is an opportunity to show Hogan and Bischoff what they’re capable of.
He claims that since Hogan and Bischoff took over, Beer Money has been
pushed aside, left in the back like rookie nobodies instead of being
treated like they deserve to be as the hottest commodity in wrestling
today, and the greatest tag team in the world. James Storm says that
last week Bischoff gave them the opportunity to whip someone’s ass,
and this week they get another opportunity to dish it out, with this
plate going to Hernandez. Storm says that nice guys finish last, and
from now on Beer Money is all about making cash and getting trashed.
Beer Money
Inc. (Robert Roode and James Storm)
vs. Hernandez (Special Guest Referee Jeff Jarrett)
Both members of Beer Money jump Hernandez
as soon as he enters the ring, as Jarrett tries unsuccessfully to maintain
order. Hernandez’ partner Matt Morgan comes out and seems ready to make
the save, but instead he heads over to the announce table and grabs
a headset. Morgan says that this is what happens when Hernandez butts
into other people’s business instead of focusing on the TNA World Tag
Team Titles. In the ring, Hernandez eats rights from both Roode and
Storm, but reverses a double Irish Whip and takes his opponents down
with simultaneous clotheslines. Roode comes back up but runs into a
big shoulder block. Hernandez goes for a scoop lift powerbomb on Roode,
but Storm cuts him off. Hernandez blocks the Beer Money double suplex
and instead suplexes both men at the same time himself. Hernandez takes
Roode up for the Border Toss, but Storm cuts him off with a superkick,
and he and Roode finish Hernandez off with the DWI. Jarrett makes a
clean count- he was a non-factor in this match.
Winners- Beer Money Inc. (Roode
by pinfall).
After the match, Morgan just heads
to the back. Then, you guessed it, Beer Money attack Hernandez. Jarrett
tries to get them to stop, and gets shoved on his ass by Storm.
Jarrett rips off his referee shirt and goes after the heels, smashing
their heads together and setting them up for a slingshot double clothesline
from Hernandez. Beer Money beat a hasty retreat as Jarrett and Hernandez
celebrate in the ring.
We see Eric Bischoff walking in the
back, an electric barber’s razor in hand, as we go to break.
[commercial break]
When we return, Bischoff is in the
ring, with a barber’s chair ready to go. He says that next week, Jeff
Jarrett’s ass is his, but for now he has other matters to attend to.
He says it’s time to clean up TNA’s image. For weeks, he’s been trying
to make something presentable out of Mick Foley, and it’s been impossible.
Bischoff orders Foley to come down to the ring so they can clean him
up once and for all.
Foley comes out and sits in the chair,
but when Bischoff moves the clippers towards his head, Foley grabs his
arm. Foley whips Mr. Socko out of his coat pocket and locks Bischoff
in the Mandible Claw, until Bischoff passes out from the pain. Foley
then grabs the razor and shaves a few big patches out of Bischoff’s
hair. He slaps Bischoff to wake him up and shows him a mirror. Bischoff
flips out, kicking at the chair and trying to stick the cut-off hair
back on top of his head, as Foley waddles triumphantly to the back.
[commercial break]
When we come back, Christy Hemme is
in the back with Shannon Moore. Moore says that at Destination X, the
X Division will be spotlighted more than ever. Moore says that he’s
been studying from the book of DILLIGAF (then yells at a confused looking
Hemme to “google it”). He says he represents the tattooed,
the booed and the screwed, and he promises to become their new X Division
champion.
In the ring (which is all done up with
the Ultimate X struts in place), the Motor City Machine Guns have something
to say. Chris Sabin tells us that Destination X will be a night to remember.
Not only will it be the return of Ultimate X, with the winners of that
match becoming the number one contenders to the TNA World Tag Team Titles,
that night will also be remembered as the beginning of the rise of the
Machine Guns. Sabin asks who Generation Me think they are coming into
TNA and trying to compete on the Guns’ level. He asks what they did
to deserve their spot in the match, what dues they’ve paid, who they’ve
beaten. This brings out Generation Me, Max and Jeremy Buck, who meet
the Guns in the ring. Max says that they beat the Guns in their debut
match, but Alex Shelley claims that was just luck. Shelley says that
Generation Me are good, but the Guns are great- like X-Box to their
Atari, Ferraris to their station wagons. Shelley then makes a crack
about spending the night with the Bucks’ girlfriends, and Jeremy socks
him in the mouth. The two teams start brawling when suddenly Brian Kendrick
runs out to help out the Guns. Amazing Red is out next to even up the
odds with a cross body to Kendrick, but Red’s followed by Christopher
Daniels who attacks him from behind. Mike Tenay mentions that Kendrick,
Red and Daniels will be competing in a four-way number one contender’s
ladder match to the X Division Championship at Destination X. Sure enough,
the fourth man in that match, Kaz, is out next, with a ladder in hand.
Kaz throws the ladder into the ring, catching Daniels right in the face.
Generation Me throw the Guns out of the ring and climb opposite sides
of the same support strut, then dive off onto their opponents for Sunday.
In the ring, Red chases Daniels and Kendrick to the outside then climbs
the ladder, diving onto them and Sabin with a nice flip senton. Red
then slips back into the ring, where the four babyfaces pose together
on the ladder. Another good X Division segment.
In the back, Jeremy Borash is with
Abyss. Abyss says that X marks the spot, and Destination X will mark
the spot he finally gets his hands on AJ Styles. He says that Flair
and Styles are jealous of his hall of fame ring and want to take it
from him, but it’s time for the Monster to start doing the taking, beginning
with Styles’ TNA World Heavyweight title. Abyss says that he hopes Flair
gets involved in Styles’ match tonight, because if he does Abyss will
show him with it’s like to come face to face with the Monster. He finishes
with his new liner, “whatcha gonna do, when the monster runs wild…and crazy!…on you???”. Ugh.
Elsewhere, Jeff Hardy is warming up,
as we go to break.
[commercial break]
When we come back, Abyss is on his
way to the ring. He’s followed by AJ Styles and Ric Flair, and finally
Jeff Hardy. This is being billed as a never-before-seen dream match-
did Hardy ever face Styles during his first TNA run? Or did they only
ever team together? Anyways, as with last week, we go to another commercial break with just five minutes left in the show. Couldn’t they
have taken a break while Sting was lumbering to the ring earlier instead?
[final commercial break]
AJ Styles (with
Ric Flair) vs. Jeff Hardy (Non-Title Match, Special Guest Enforcer Abyss)
We come back from commercials with
the match already in progress. What was the point of that? Things are
back and forth to start, before Hardy gets the advantage with a flying
forearm, a scoop slam and a second rope leg drop for two. Hardy slaps
on a reverse chin lock, but AJ fights up and gets to the corner. Styles
gets in a cheap shot off the rope break and hits a few Flair-like chops
in the corner, which Hardy answers with chops of his own. Jeff is whipped
into the corner and tries to sling over Styles, but Styles catches his
feet and dumps Hardy to the outside. Flair starts towards Hardy for
a little dirtywork, but he backs off at the sight of Abyss. Styles teases
diving to the outside, but it’s just a fake-out to piss off the crowd.
Hardy rolls back into the ring but is met by boots from Styles. He gets
back to his feet and comes off the ropes, but Styles leapfrogs Hardy
and connects with the best dropkick in the business. Styles starts to
work on Hardy’s leg, Nature boy style, but gets kicked out of the ring
and out onto the ramp. Hardy leans over to pull Styles back in, but
gets guillotined across the top rope. Hardy comes back with an odd twisting
neckbreaker thingy that I’m pretty sure wasn’t completely intentional.
He ducks a clothesline and nails Styles with a pair of flying forearms,
followed by a sit-out gordbuster. Jeff connects with his slingshot dropkick
into the corner (which wikipedia tells me is called the “Hardiac
Arrest”…who knew?) for a two count. Styles comes back with a
brainbuster for a two count of his own. Hardy shoves Styles off and
quickly hits the Whisper in the Wind for another near fall. He goes
for the Twist of Fate, but AJ slips out and nails a Pele kick. There
are duelling chants for Hardy and Styles, but the announcers only acknowledge
the Hardy fans- excuse me, the “creatures of the night”. Styles
goes for a springboard clothesline, but accidentally connects with both
Hardy and the referee. Styles slips out to ringside and grabs a chair,
but he drops it at the sight of Abyss. Returning to the ring unarmed,
Styles goes for a springboard 450 splash, but Hardy rolls out of the
way. With Styles stunned, Hardy connects with the Twist of Fate and
heads up top, delivering the Swanton Bomb (with a nice shot from the
aerial camera). Abyss slides in and makes the count, and in his first
match back in TNA, Jeff Hardy pins the champ.
Winner- Jeff Hardy by
pinfall.
As Hardy and Abyss begin to celebrate,
Ric Flair comes in behind them and for the fifth time in five matches,
continues the action with a chair shot to Hardy and multiple shots to
the Monster. Abyss and Flair fight up onto the ramp, where Abyss Hulks
Up, no-selling a half dozen chair shots before punching the weapon out
of Flair’s hands. With Styles watching from the ring, Abyss hoists Flair
up and chokeslams him right through the stage. Styles stares on in shock
and fear and Abyss gives him his best mean mug as we go off the air
for another week.
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