TNA Impact Report for March 4
This week’s show starts off
right where they left us last week (disappointed) with a highlight package,
focusing on the attack of Hulk Hogan last week, at the hands of AJ Styles
and Ric Flair, to set up the big tag match for Monday night.
The title of this episode is
“never say never” (in TNA, that’s not a good thing).
The show finally gets underway
and the champ has decided to grace us all with his presence. AJ and
Flair come out, escorted by the usual bevy of beauties. Flair says he’s
overwhelmed by what transpired last week. He says AJ proved once again
that he is in fact, the man. He says after having a week to think about
it, he now knows what he has to do. Flair says he feels the need to
apologize for their actions last week and says he wants to offer Hogan
a present to make up for it and give back to TNA. He immediately calls
out Hogan, who answers the call, but Hogan isn’t alone, as he has
Abyss by his side. Flair is a little jumpy when he sees Abyss out there,
and says he wants to assume that this is going to be a peaceful conversation.
He says both he and AJ would like to apologize for their actions last
week, because it was a result of bad judgment on their part. He then
offers Hogan one of his “ladies of the night” as a peace offering
(isn’t that illegal in Florida? And I thought Pope was the one who’s
pimpin’). Hogan says he has no interest in anything that Flair wants
to offer him, because the minute he signed with TNA, he promised Dixie
Carter and he promised the fans that he would never lace up his boots
again. But Hogan says after last week, everything changed. He says for
next week’s move to Monday nights, he and Abyss are going to start
the celebration by taking Flair and AJ to school. Hogan then says the
only question that’s going to be on everyone’s minds is “whatcha
gonna do…” and he lets Abyss take it from there with “…when
Hulk Hogan and Abyss-a-mania run wild on you!?!” Flair takes exception
to that and says a couple years ago, he retired from wrestling for good
and he always wanted to leave on a high note, which he did. He continues
that there’s something that he wants just as much, if not more, and
that’s to beat Hulk Hogan on national TV. AJ then throws in his two
cents, requesting that Hogan put the brakes on. He says he respects
everything that Hogan has done for this business and he may have been
the king of wrestling back in his day, but times have changed, and AJ
Styles is now king. He then questions the integrity of Hogan to put
his good name up against the best in the business today. Flair and AJ
then leave and say they’ll see Hogan on Monday. But then along comes
Bischoff to crash the party, getting into babyface mode once again.
Bischoff says he hates to rain on their parade, but AJ’s got some
business to take care of tonight. He then orders AJ Styles to put his
World title on the line against Abyss, Pope and Desmond Wolfe in a 4-way
dance.
JB is backstage with Desmond
Wolfe, attempting to get his reaction to this big news of a title match
tonight. Wolfe cuts an outstanding promo, borrowing a line from the
Sound of Music, saying that every time God closes a door, he opens a
window. Wolfe says bollocks to that, because those open windows can
get very breezy (excellent!). Wolfe says anybody who knows him, knows
that he will do whatever it takes to win. He then compares the alliance
of AJ Styles and Ric Flair to that of Lou Thesz and Ed “Strangler”
Lewis and says Flair is always saying to be the man, you gotta beat
the man. Wolfe takes exception to that and says if AJ is the man, he
can be the man without beating the man, because if he were to get a
victory over that “window licker” Abyss or Pope Dinero, he will
be the man (get this guy a title right now!). Chelsea then speaks for
the first time ever and says she lusts after the ring around Abyss’
finger. She tells Desmond that he shouldn’t be the only one to leave
here with gold tonight and she wants that ring. Wolfe tells her to consider
it done and then tells the viewing audience that whatever Chelsea wants,
Chelsea gets (suddenly I hear a whip being cracked).
Jeff Jarrett enters Bischoff’s
office and brags about how last week, he heard rumours that TNA produced
the best burgers ever. Bischoff is surprised that Jarrett’s recent
demotion didn’t seem to bother him. Jarrett says he has thick skin
and is ready for anything Bischoff can throw at him, because he’s
not leaving. Jarrett then tells Bischoff to get back to business and
start putting him in actual matches (wait, this is a wrestling company
you say?). Bischoff then goes off topic, saying when he arrived here
earlier, he couldn’t help but notice how filthy the men’s room was
as he passed by and said the toilets just weren’t flowing very well
and he immediately thought of Jeff Jarrett as the man for the job. Bischoff
then gives Jarrett a plunger and tells him to get to work. Jarrett says
he plans on being the best janitor this company has ever had (his parents
must be so proud).
Match #1: Motor City Machine
Guns vs. Generation ME vs. Beer Money Inc. vs. Matt Morgan and Hernandez
The majority of this match
was monopolized by Generation ME and the Machine Guns, which is not
the worst idea TNA has thought of in the last few weeks. The Guns go
on the double team offensive first as Shelley delivers an inverted atomic
drop to Jeremy, followed by a low dropkick by Sabin to the patella.
Shelley then sprints across the ring and runs into inverted camel clutch
position, as Sabin delivers another low dropkick to the face (what a
team!). Generation ME would not be outdone though, as Jeremy positions
Sabin’s feet on the middle rope and delivers a neckbreaker, but holds
the position, with Sabin’s feet still on the ropes and his neck on
Jeremy’s shoulder, as Max comes in with a hilo. Hernandez is in next
and elevates Jeremy with a military press, with a series of repetitions
(I guess he missed a day at the gym this week) and then just drops him
all the way down. Super Mex then tries his slingshot shoulderblock,
but Morgan tags himself in, which didn’t sit too well with Hernandez.
Morgan delivers a double chokeslam to Generation ME and then has a word
with Hernandez, as if to say “top that.” But Morgan takes his eye
off the ball for a second, allowing James Storm to drill him with a
superkick, and Roode gets the win with a schoolboy.
Winners: Beer Money Inc by
pinfall
After the match, Morgan and
Hernandez argue some more.
Bischoff has now summoned Sean
Morley (his former chief of staff) and Slick Johnson to his office.
He says Morley is just the man he was looking for. He says he’s booked
Morley in a match tonight, which will be falls count anywhere and his
opponent will be Jeff Jarrett. He then tells Morley he can find Jarrett
in the men’s room (and I thought it couldn’t get any worse).
Jarrett is then shown mopping
the floor of the men’s room (TNA’s entire writing team need to start
wearing stupid helmets).
Kurt Angle approaches Hogan
in his office (apparently he and Bischoff have separate offices now).
Angle asks Hogan if he’s sure he wants to go through with this match
on Monday. He says Hogan’s too important to this company to go out
there and possibly injure himself. Hogan says he appreciates Angle’s
comments, but he needs to understand like everyone else that this may
be Hogan’s last shot (how many times were supposed to be his last
shot?). Angle and Hogan then shake hands and Angle tells him to be careful
out there.
It’s now time for segment
one of Mick Foley’s course in etiquette. The “headmistress,” for
lack of a better word suggests to Mick that he should concentrate on
keeping his jacket buttoned when he walks around, but unbuttoned when
he is seated. She then observes Mick’s walking skills, or lack there
of, as Foley just does a strut across the room. She then suggests that
Mick may want to consider a haircut. Foley says people have told him
that he has gentle eyes, so he avoids haircuts, so as to not give out
that secret (smart plan). This was actually funnier than I thought it
would be, but still a waste of Foley.
Sean Morley and Slick Johnson
are now shown approaching the men’s room. They enter and Morley calls
out to Jarrett, who answers, but is met by a right hand. Morley proceeds
to beat the daylights out of Jarrett (in the washroom of all places)
Morley works over Jarrett’s shoulder by slamming the washroom door
into it several times and then finally this “match?” mercifully
ends (what will they NOT think of next?).
Christy Hemme is standing by
with the Pope, to get his reaction on the title match announcement for
tonight. He says it’s a known fact and she can relate that whenever
the Pope starts on top, he usually ends on top, but Dick Flair and his
little piece of nature crap AJ Styles are nothing but thieves. He says
the Pope has surely seen better days, but he is here and he is here
to fight and he knows his doctor can’t be too happy about that. Pope
says he digs where Hogan is coming from with this 4-way dance tonight
and says in regards to his upcoming title match at Lockdown that there
is no time like the present and why wait for tomorrow, when he can get
his today. Great promo!
Match #2: Doug Williams vs.
Big Rob Terry
Williams starts things off
with a slap. Terry gets angry and delivers a military press slam and
then applies a bearhug, which Williams bites his way out of, only to
fall victim to a spinkick and then a spinebuster for the win.
Winner: Big Rob Terry by pinfall
Brutus Magnus comes out to
ruin the victory party with a sneak attack and he and Williams doubleteam
their former comrade.
Jeff Jarrett is in the trainer’s
room to get his shoulder popped back into place. Bischoff interrupts
and Jarrett gets irate, saying he’s had enough of this. He says he
wants an actual match in the ring. Bischoff says if Jarrett wants it
so bad, he can have it, but he hopes Jarrett’s shoulder heals quickly,
cause his next match is tonight. Jarrett then calls Bischoff a pri#@
Meanwhile, in etiquette school,
Mick Foley is getting a lesson in table manners.
Kurt Angle’s music then trumpets
throughout the arena, but instead of Angle, we get Mr. Anderson disguised
as Angle, with a food tray attached to a chain around his neck, with
the word “loser” written on it, which I guess would symbolize Angle’s
warrior metal. Anderson, as Angle, says he’s the greatest wrestler
in the world, but he’s also the most injury prone wrestler in the
world. He then says he just recently broke his neck for the 17th time, as he was tying his shoe. Anderson then points to the symbolized
war metal, saying he wears this piece of crap to gain sympathy from
the fans, who actually think that he gives a damn about the troops.
The real Kurt Angle has then had enough, as he makes his way to the
ring. Angle beats Anderson out of the ring, but as he follows him to
the outside, Anderson confiscates a fan’s drink and tosses it in Angle’s
face, giving him the upper hand. Anderson then mocks Angle by taking
down the straps and delivers Angle’s own Angle slam to the Olympian.
Anderson then repossesses Angle’s war metal and goes AWOL.
Abyss is in Hogan’s office,
trying to convince Hogan not to go through with this match. He said
last week, when he saw the blood trickling down Hogan’s forehead into
Abyss’ hands, it was heartbreaking. Hogan says when he gave Abyss
his Hall of Fame ring, he passed on his power to Abyss, so that Abyss
would be able to protect him (huh?). Hogan says what happened to him
last week was not Abyss’ fault. He says it was because he was in the
wrong place at the wrong time. Abyss then respects Hogan’s decision
and walks off.
Earlier in the day, Angelina
Love was shown at a photo shoot, where she was attacked by The Beautiful
People, as Lacey and Madison held her in place, while Velvet viciously
whipped her with some sort of strap.
Back to the present, Angelina
comes out to the ring and orders Velvet Sky to come out and face her,
saying she’s not leaving until Velvet comes out. Velvet answers the
call, but is met in the runway by a vengeful Angelina who basically
destroys Velvet and then she grabs the strap, attempting to do some
whipping of her own, but Madison and Lacey come out. Madison catches
a lash across the back, but Lacey drops Angelina with the ugly stick
and once again TBP hold her in place, as Velvet lashes away.
Bubba the love sponge then
makes his return to Impact, confronting Hogan about his decision to
wrestle. He says Hogan made a promise to all of his loved ones that
he would never get in the ring again. He says he’s concerned that
Hogan could end up in a wheelchair. Bubba says Hogan needs to think
about his family (what family?). He says Hogan has nothing left to prove.
Bubba then storms off.
Back at the etiquette session,
Foley is now being given greeting tips. When asked what he would say
to a young lady to end the night, Foley responds that usually a guy
would sneak out the back door (that was pretty funny). Foley then ends
the session with a hug and almost kills the tutor in the process.
A video package is shown to
highlight the ongoing saga between Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and 6-Pac.
It’s then announced that Nash and Eric Young will deliver their thoughts
on what happened last week on next week’s Monday broadcast (this has
to wait a week?).
Match #3: Tomko vs. Jeff Jarrett
Bischoff is shown watching
on a monitor as the match goes on. Tomko starts targeting Jarrett’s
injured shoulder in the early going, but Jarrett fights back with an
enzugiri. Tomko then drops him with a single-arm DDT. He tries a powerslam,
but Jarrett swings himself into a DDT and then delivers a sunset flip
out of the corner for the win, much to Bischoff’s chagrin.
Winner: Jeff Jarrett by pinfall
Bischoff is then apparently
in a pleasant mood, as he speaks with Hogan about his decision to wrestle.
Hogan says it’s something he needs to do, so Bischoff says whatever
he decides, he’s behind him 100 per cent.
Match #4: AJ Styles vs. Desmond
Wolfe vs. Pope D’Angelo Dinero vs. Abyss in a 4-way dance for the
TNA World Heavyweight title
Pope is limping his way to
the ring, to sell the effects of the attack on him a couple weeks ago
by AJ and Flair. Yet for some reason, he has to start the match. AJ
attempts a figure-four, but Pope kicks his way free and tags Abyss,
who AJ doesn’t want any part of, so he tags Wolfe, who tries a sunset
flip, but Abyss counters with a sit-down splash. Abyss then delivers
a sidewalk slam. Later in the match, Pope connects with a one-two punch
combo on AJ, but Flair provides a distraction, allowing AJ to deliver
a chopblock. Flair then delivers a chair to Pope’s ankle and AJ applies
the figure-four. Pope would not submit, so referee Mike Posey had no
choice but to stop the match (funny how neither of the other two competitors
attempted to break the hold).
Winner: AJ Styles by submission
After the match, Flair and
AJ went after Pope’s ankle again, this time with Desmond Wolfe sharing
the beat down. Abyss tries to make the save, but the numbers are too
much for him. Flair then grabs the barbwire bat from under the ring,
which brings out Hogan who intercepts it from Flair and lays Flair out
with it, busting him open in the process. Hogan says he’ll see them
in four days. Pope then says why wait for four days when they can get
the party started right now. Security holds everyone back as the show
goes off the air.
Final thoughts:
4 matches! Are you serious TNA! Ordinarily I wouldn’t mind, because
less is more, but there was nothing that happened on tonight’s show
to make anyone want to tune into Monday’s show. The Mick Foley etiquette
session and Jeff Jarrett in the washroom with Sean Morley were both
ridiculous. I just got the feeling that nothing on tonight’s show,
besides the stuff with Flair and AJ and Hogan and Abyss will lead to
anything. TBP segment was okay and I really did enjoy both Pope and
Wolfe’s promos, but they do have a pay per view coming up soon and
I feel as if nothing on tonight’s show built towards that. I thought
it was supposed to be all X-Division by the way. Where is the X-Division?
Anyway, not as bad as last week, but still not at the level that they
should be. 3 out of 10.
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