TNA Impact Report for March 8
Before the Bell: TNA
kicks off a new era on Monday nights with the promise of Hulk Hogan
and Ric Flair coming out of “retirement” to team with their
respective protégés, Abyss and AJ Styles. TNA has also teased that
there will be a major angle in the first five minutes of this week’s
show.
We start out with a brand new Impact
theme song, which is instantly forgettable (though no more so than the
current Raw and Smackdown themes). After that comes the ubiquitous pyro
and shots of the crowd, including shots of Dixie Carter and Brooke Hogan
watching intently.
Hulk Hogan and Abyss come out to the
ring to start the show. Abyss is proudly wearing Hogan’s Hall of Fame
ring, showing it off like a demented Planeteer. Hogan says that tonight
is the biggest night in the history of TNA. The audience responds with
a loud TNA chant- hot crowd tonight. Hogan says tonight, he and Abyss
will be judge, jury and execution to Flair and Styles. He says he was
prepared to take TNA to infinity and beyond, but since Flair and Styles
changed the rules, this will be TNA’s day of reckoning. Hogan isn’t
going to wait any longer, and he orders Flair and Styles to come to
the ring- the main event match is going to happen right here, right
now!
Hulk
Hogan and Abyss vs. Ric Flair and AJ
Styles
Styles and Abyss start things off,
as Mike Tenay and Taz play up the differences in strength and speed
between the two competitors. Styles quickly tags in Flair who surprisingly
muscles Abyss into the corner for a few knife-edge chops before Abyss
takes control with a back body drop. Flair comes back with a low blow,
and Styles follows up with a cheap shot to Abyss from the outside. Hogan
comes in illegally and goes after Flair, but catches a Pele kick to
the back of the head. The heels start laying in the boots when suddenly
the lights go out. When they come back on, Sting has appeared in the
ring, baseball bat in hand. Hogan and Abyss stagger to their feet, as
Flair and Styles back away, clearly outnumbered. Hogan starts to Hulk
Up, when all of a sudden Sting whirls around and nails him with the
bat, then does the same to Abyss. Russo swerved!
No Contest.
Styles slips out to ringside and grabs
a chair, then uses it to deliver and ugly, unprotected shot to Abyss’
skull. Flair follows up with a chair shot of his own to Hogan, busting
the Hulkster wide open. As Flair and Styles continue to lay into the
faces, Sting calmly exits the ring and walks to the back. Security comes
in to break up the fracas, and Flair and Styles triumphantly leave the
ring. On his hands and knees in the ring, Hogan grabs a mic and says
that this isn’t over. He vows to finish this before the night is over-
the tag match is back on later tonight, and this time it’s going to
be under no disqualification rules.
[commercial break]
When we return, we see Sting walking
calmly backstage. Dixie approaches him and demands an explanation for
his actions. Sting violently shoves Dixie up against the wall and tells
her he owes he nothing, before marching off.
Elsewhere, Jeremy Borash is with Styles
and Flair. Styles says that there are no do-overs in wrestling, but
if Hogan and Abyss want a second shot at him and Flair, he’d be happy
to school them all over again. Flair says that thankfully, Sting’s finally
seen the light. He says that he’s barely gotten started tonight- if
he’s going to come out of retirement, he’s going to make a statement
heard ’round the world. Flair promises that tonight, Hogan and Abyss
will leave the Impact Zone in the back of an ambulance.
Elsewhere (again), Abyss is freaking
the hell out, pounding his fists on the wall, gnashing his teeth and
screaming “why, Sting, why?” over and over again. Subtlety,
thy name is Chris Parks.
[commercial break]
We come back from break to a shot of
Brooke Hogan and Hulk’s girlfriend Jennifer together backstage. Until
Jennifer calls Brooke by name, I couldn’t tell them apart, and that’s
creepy on a great many levels. Brooke says that Hulk may act like he’s
okay, but she knows that he’s hurt. Apparently, she’s worried about
her father- not that you could tell from her leaden facial expressions
or anything, but I assume that’s what they’re going for.
In the ring, we see the number one
contender to the X Division championship, Kazarian. Kaz tells us after
some soul searching, he’s overcome the doubts he had about himself,
and claims that he’s come back to TNA to reignite the flame of the X
Division. He proclaims that if TNA is going to war, the warriors of
the X Division will lead the company into battle (hear hear!). Kaz is
cut off by the arrival of Christopher Daniels (who has magically regained
his first name). The Fallen Angel says that if anyone is going to lead
the X Division into battle, it’s going to be him. Daniels claims that
he was “X Division” ten years before that meant anything,
and reminds Kaz that he was the longest reigning X Division champion
in history. Daniels says that he and he alone will carry the division
to the highest of heights, because he is X.
The reigning champion Doug Williams
is out next. Williams calls Daniels and Kazarian a pair of old geezers
who think they’re superheroes who have come to save the X Division.
Does Suicide count as a superhero? Williams assures them that the X
Division is alive and well, with him as its champion. Kazarian responds
that Williams may be champion now, but asks where he was when they were
pioneering the division seven years ago. Daniels interrupts by saying
that Kazarian has never done anything that matters to him, but Kazarian
counters by saying that’s only because Daniels is a selfish prick.
Before things can escalate any further,
Eric Bischoff arrives. Easy E says that the X Division was a big part
of why he was so excited to take over TNA. He claims that the X Division
isn’t the heart of TNA- it’s the company’s adrenaline. He vows to make
the division bigger, stronger and faster. To that end, Bischoff announces
that Kazarian’s title shot won’t be at Destination X- it’s going to
take place right now, and it’s going to be in a three-way match against
Williams and Daniels.
Kazarian vs. Christopher Daniels
vs. Doug Williams (X Division Championship Match)
The match begins with a series of fast
roll ups for early pin attempts. Early in the match, Mike Tenay breaks
the news that a number one contenders match to the TNA World Tag Team
Titles has been booked for Destination X, featuring the Motor City Machine
Guns against Generation Me. Back to the action, Kazarian hits a great
suicide plancha to the outside onto both of his opponents. Kaz throws
William back into the ring and launches Daniels into the ring post.
Kazarian goes for a Slingshot Leg Drop on Williams but misses, and Williams
punishes him with a hard running knee strike to the face. Daniels comes
back in and tosses Williams out, then delivers a nice running STO to
Kazarian. Daniels follows up with a springboard elbow drop for two.
A death valley driver nets Daniels another near fall. Williams comes
back in, but Kazarian catches both him and Daniels with a split-legged
dropkick off the top rope. Kaz continues to fire up, hitting a springboard
back elbow and a springboard leg drop on Daniels for two. Daniels rakes
Kaz’s eyes and goes for the Angel’s Wings, but Williams breaks things
up with a reverse elbow strike from up top. Williams goes for Chaos
Theory, but Daniels counters into a school boy for another two count.
Williams is tossed out again and Kazarian hits Daniels with an inverted
atomic drop, followed by a yakuza kick and a running neckbreaker for
another two. Daniels comes back with an Uranage and signals for the
BME, but Kaz rolls out of the way. Daniels lands on his feet, but Williams
surprises him from behind, shoving him into Kaz in the corner. With
Kaz stunned, Williams finishes Daniels off with Chaos Theory for the
pin fall.
Winner- Williams over Daniels to
retain the title.
After the match, Shannon Moore makes
his semi-anticipated return, attacking Williams with a flying head scissors,
an inverted atomic drop and a spinning wheel kick. Williams beats a
hasty retreat, but before he can get too far, Bischoff returns to the
stage and announces that Moore is the new number one contender to Williams’
belt, and will face him at Destination X. Great segment, beginning to
end.
Backstage, we find Borash with Dixie
Carter. Dixie says that she’s glad Sting just signed a new contract,
because that means she can book him in a match tonight. Borash asks
who Sting’s opponent will be, but Dixie cryptically answers that Sting
will find out at the same time everyone else does.
We get a quick shot of the Beautiful
People warming up backstage, as the show goes to break.
[commercial break]
When we come back, we’re getting ready
for a three-way match for the vacant TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship.
Tenay informs us that Awesome Kong and Hamada were stripped of the titles
for not defending them in over thirty days, which is actually untrue,
since the titles were defended three weeks ago. Presumably this is the
last we’ll hear of Kong in TNA (which is a damned shame). Hopefully,
Hamada doesn’t get completely lost in the shuffle.
Taylor Wilde and
Sarita vs. The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky and Madison Rain, with
Lacey Von Erich) vs. Tara and Angelina Love (TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship
Match)
With Tara and Love distracted by the
Beautiful People at the bell, Wilde and Sarita go for quick roll ups,
but Love and Tara both escape. Tara hits Wilde with a throwing reverse
powerbomb, and Sarita briefly tags in, but is quickly sent back out
as Sky makes a blind tag. The Beautiful People start to double team
Tara while the referee is distracted with Love, but Wilde and Sarita
break up the ensuing pin attempt. Wilde and Sarita hit the ropes in
unison, but are both tripped up by Lacey from the outside. Love comes
in illegally and delivers hard right hands to both members of the Beautiful
People, followed by a Superkick to Sky. The referee orders Love out
of the ring, as Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak on Sky. However, with
the referee distracted, Daffney hits the ring and corks Tara with her
own title belt. In the confusion, Sky covers Tara to win what was a
very quick match.
Winners- The Beautiful People (Sky
over Tara) to win the TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship.
We go backstage next, where Christy
Hemme is waiting with Pope D’Angelo Dinero. The Pope starts to talk
about something that I’m apparently far too Caucasian to understand
when he’s suddenly ambushed by Desmond Wolfe, who has his hand wrapped
in a length of chain. With the Pope down, Wolfe exposes his injured
ankle and whips it with the chain, leaving Dinero writhing in pain on
the floor.
As we go into break, we see Sting heading
for the ring. Tazz more or less gives away who his opponent is going
to be by asking Tenay where he as at 4:20 that afternoon. Not that it
was really that big of a surprise anyways, least of all to the live
crowd here were already chanting the letters R, V and D.
[commercial break]
We come back to find the Beautiful
People celebrating backstage with Jeremy Borash. Lacey plays the airhead,
as Velvet assures her that she’s as much a champion as they are. Sky
ends up spraying down JB and her teammates with champagne.
Next up, the sombre-voiced announcers
introduce clips of Sting’s earlier actions. Tazz and Tenay act shocked
at what Sting did- apparently they don’t watch their own product, since
Sting did pretty much the same thing when he turned on Samoa Joe a year
and a half ago. Sting finally comes out to the ring, as Tazz tells us
that Dixie has made a one-time exception to her promise not to get involved
in match making because Sting put his hands on her earlier. Sure enough,
Sting’s hand-picked opponent is the debuting Mr. Monday Night, Rob Van
Dam!
Sting vs. Rob Van Dam
RVD comes out through the crowd, and
surprises Sting with a diving kick off the top rope to start the match.
He follows up with Rolling Thunder, covers and…that’s it? Rob Van
Dam upsets Sting in under fifteen seconds!
Winner- Rob Van Dam.
Immediately after the match, Sting
attacks RVD with his baseball bat. Sting takes RVD down with shots to
the leg and throat, then starts to head to the back, only to turn around
and come back for more. The next five minutes basically consists of
Sting attacking RVD and assorted referees with his bat, with Van Dam
getting in absolutely no offense. Finally, Hogan’s music plays and he
comes out to try to make the save, held back by Bubba the Fuckwit and
a small army of security guards. Hogan makes his way to the ring apron,
but while his arms are held back by security, he falls prey to a cheap
shot from Sting’s bat. Why would Hogan’s own friend and employees hold
him back and let him get ambushed? That doesn’t make a lick of sense,
even by TNA’s standards.
After recovering from being hit by
the bat, Hogan is helped to the back by security (who are presumably
mentally updating their resumes). Almost as soon as Hogan disappears
into the back, Kevin Nash’s music hits. Nash heads out to the ring with
mic in hand and his little buddy Eric Young in tow. Nash says that no
matter what TNA does, Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac won’t stop sneaking into
the Impact Zone to wreak havoc. He announces that he had talked to Hogan
earlier, and got him to agree to give Hall and Pac a one-night contract,
allowing them to face Nash and Young at Destination X. Nash says he
knows Hall and Pac are lurking somewhere nearby, and he invites them
to come to the ring and accept his challenge. Sure enough, we cut to
a shot of Pac and Hall backstage, leisurely making their way to the
ring.
[commercial break]
When we come back, Nash and Young are
still alone in the ring. The audience starts a “Hall is wasted”
chant which made my night. Finally, Hall and Pac amble out through the
crowd. As even more faceless security guards enter the ring to keep
the peace, Hall grabs a mic (which is never a good thing) and climbs
into the ring to meet Nash face-to-torso. Hall calls Nash a sell out,
and accuses him of being Hogan’s stooge. He tells Nash that if he and
Young want a match, then Hall and Pac want their cut of the profits.
The big screen cuts to Eric Bischoff backstage, who proposes a deal
for Hall and Pac- if they beat Nash and Young at Destination X, they’ll
get TNA contracts. If they lose though, they have to leave TNA forever.
Naturally, Drunky and the Grease Rat agree. Hall says that he’ll be
there, and he’ll be the one who looks like Elvis, which Nash counters
with “alive or dead?”. Pac suddenly slaps Young, and they
have a brief pull apart brawl. Bischoff says that he’s sick of paying
security guard to try and fail to keep Hall and Pac out of the arena
(and everything else they’re hired to do, for that matter). He orders
the guards to get Nash and Hall away from ringside, and announces an
impromptu match between Young and Pac.
Eric Young vs.
Syxx-Pac
Young immediately explodes on Pac,
laying a beating on him until Pac nails him with a spinning heel kick.
Pac goes for the bronco buster, but Young dodges and quickly puts Pac
away with a leaping piledriver, scoring the pinfall in around two minutes.
Winner-
Eric Young.
In the parking lot, we see a U.S. Army
humvee arrive, with a full complement of soldiers inside. They head
into the arena, and we head to break.
[commercial break]
With the G.I. Joes at ringside, Kurt
Angle heads out to the ring. Addressing Mister Anderson, Angle says
that he brought some friends with him tonight- men and women who represent
the United States, who sacrifice everything for their country, who choose
to leave their families and loved ones behind to stand up for what they
believe in. Angle says they were people who would stand up, fight for
and even die for people like him and Anderson, but they were also the
people Anderson spat on two weeks ago. Angle says he had an epiphany-
winning an Olympic gold medal means nothing compared to what the soldiers
do for their country, and as a proud American it’s his duty to protect
the soldiers when bitches like Anderson degrade them.
Angle is interrupted by Anderson appearing
on the Pandatron. Anderson calls the soldiers a bunch of high school
drops outs, and continues to talk trash as Angle leaves the ring. Suddenly,
Angle attacks Anderson backstage, mid-sentence…finally, a wrestler
who actually remembers where the interview zone is when his opponent
starts to mouth off. Angle drags Anderson into the ring, but Anderson
scores a cheap shot with the army medal he stole from Angle last week.
He turns to leave, but finds his path blocked by angry soldiers. Anderson
is backed up into the ring, where Angle is waiting for him. After Angle
and his soldier friends get their licks in, he puts Anderson away with
the Angle Slam and poses with his foot on Anderson’s chest while waving
an American flag. Good segment, but why would anyone want to pay to
see their match at Destination X when Anderson got his comeuppance two
weeks early?
[commercial break]
Backstage, we find Hogan conferring
with Bubba the Fuckwit. Bubba tells Hogan that he needs to stop and
take a long look at himself, because he can’t do this anymore. I like
how Bubba spends all his time leeching off Hogan, while at the same
time telling him that he’s a washed up has-been. Good to know Bubba’
an equal-opportunity asshole, to friends, enemies and Haitians alike.
Earl Hebnur comes in and asks Hogan for a second chance, and Bubba eventually
browbeats Hogan into rehiring him. Hogan tells Hebnur that it would
be an honour to have him officiate his match later, but asks him to
promise to end the match if Hogan is beaten down too badly to continue.
Mike Tenay and Taz run down the Destination
X card next. In addition to the matches announced earlier in the night,
they confirm that Abyss will be facing AJ Styles for the TNA World Heavyweight
Championship.
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is with Beer
Money, who he’s apparently booked to face in a handicap match shortly.
Jarrett says that he was forced into the match, and asks James Storm
if he was too, but Storm responds that he and Roode had volunteered.
Shocked, Jarrett reminds Storm of all the things he had done for Storm
when he was first starting out, but Storm coldly says that all that
matters is what Jarrett has done for him lately, which is nothing. Jarrett
takes a swing at Storm, but Roode catches him from behind, and Beer
Money get a few quick shots in before telling Jarrett that they would
see him in the ring. Apparently, Beer Money are heels now, despite never
having turned, and despite being one of the most over tag teams in the
company last time I checked. Well, that makes about as much sense as
anything else tonight.
[commercial break]
A cheesecake ad airs for TNALive.com,
featuring So Cal Val, who apparently still works for the company. Who
knew?
Jeff Jarrett vs.
Beer Money (Robert Roode and James Storm)
(Tornado Handicap Match, Special Guest Referee Mick Foley)
The match is joined in progress, with
Beer Money already beating on Jarrett on the outside. Mick Foley is
apparently the referee as part of his ongoing angle with Eric Bischoff.
Jarrett tries to take the fight to both members of Beet Money, but can’t
deal with their numbers advantage. Taz and Tenay suggest that Roode
and Storm’s new attitudes are their way of being noticed after being
initially overlooked by the Bischoff/Hogan regime. Cowboy James hits
Jarrett with the Eye of the Storm then grabs a beer bottle and takes
a swig, but Jarrett ducks and Storm accidentally sprays beer in Roode’s
eyes. Jarrett fires back up with a back body drop to Roode, then sends
both of his opponents to the outside. Following them out, Jarrett slams
Storm into the guard rail. He tries to get back into the ring, but Storm
catches him by the ankle, allowing Roode to connect with a cheap shot.
Foley admonishes Storm, but the Cowboy brushes him off, taunting him.
As Beer Money celebrate in the ring, Foley reaches under the ring and
pulls out a barbed-wire wrapped two-by-four, and passes it to Jarrett.
Before Jarrett can use the weapon though, referee Slick Johnson runs
out and grabs it out of his hands. As Foley and Johnson argue, Storm
nails Jarrett with a low blow, allowing Beer Money to score the win.
Winners- Beer Money (Storm over
Jarrett).
Backstage, Abyss and Hogan are planning
their match when Brooke Hogan comes in and pretends to have human emotions
by fake crying. Hogan tells her not to worry, because Abyss has his
back. Brooke begs Hogan to promise him that this will be his last match,
because she doesn’t want to lose him. Incidentally, Brooke Hogan makes
Christy Hemme look like Meryl Streep.
Up next is the main event! Somewhere
backstage, Ric Flair is hyping up AJ Styles. He tells the Phenomenal
One that tonight they’re going to take out Hogan and Abyss once and
for all.
[commercial break]
When we come back, Styles and Flair
are making their way to the ring, to the Nature Boy’s new theme. Why
does Flair have to use a muzak version of his Also Spracht Zarathustra
theme? Surely Strauss is in the public domain. Hogan and Abyss are out
next, as we apparently have one more commercial break ahead of us. It’s
now 10:55, but Mike Tenay assures us that when we come back, we’ll stay
with the action for as long as we need to to get a result, even if that
does mean the show runs over time.
[final commercial break]
Ric Flair and
AJ Styles vs. Hulk Hogan and Abyss (No Disqualification match)
We come back just as the opening bell
rings. Flair and Hogan start out this time. Hogan nails Flair with a
series of right hands and a back body drop. Flair bails out of the ring,
but Hogan follows, ramming Flair into the barricade right in front of
Brooke. Flair blades hard, as Hogan starts choking him out with his
bandana. Hogan bites Flair’s forehead to open the wound further (ew…),
the lays into him with a series of right hands. Flair comes back with
punches and knife edged chops, but Hogan no sells he strikes and delivers
a few chops of his own. Hogan tags in Abyss- why Abyss and Styles are
waiting for tags in a no DQ match, I couldn’t tell you- and sics the
monster on Flair. Abyss lays in some big right hands of his own before
sending Flair back into the ring. Hogan comes in and whips Flair with
his weight belt, but Flair nails a low blow and finally tags in Styles.
Styles sends Hogan to the outside, an after taking a quick moment to
taunt Brooke, he launches the Hulkster into the ring post, reopening
the gash in his forehead suffered earlier in the evening. Flair starts
in on Hogan, stomping away at him, both the old timers now covered in
blood. Styles tags back in and nails Hogan with a few choice right hands,
one of which results in an honest-to-goodness back bump. Flair tags
in again and heads up to the top rope, but as always, that proves to
be a mistake. Hogan starts to Hulk Up, catches Flair on the top rope
and slams him down to the mat. Both veterans make tags, and Abyss explodes
on Styles. Abyss breaks through an attempted double clothesline by Styles
and Flair, then takes them out one after another with consecutive chokeslams.
Hogan drags Flair out to ringside, while in the ring AJ comes back with
a big springboard clothesline for two. With all four men back in the
ring, Abyss and Hogan both Hulk Up and hit consecutive big boots. With
Flair down, Hogan whips Styles towards Abyss, who nails a massive Black
Hole Slam for the win. Much, much better than I expected this match
to be.
Winners- Abyss and Hogan (Abyss
over Styles).
Immediately after the match, Desmond
Wolfe appears out of nowhere and attacks Abyss with a steel chair. Hogan
tries to fight him off, but has his ankle clipped by Flair. Pope D’Angelo
Dinero runs out to make the save, but he’s taken out from behind by
Styles. As the heels start to take control, Jeff Hardy suddenly runs
out, to a massive pop. Hardy nails Wolfe with a sit-out gordbuster and
nails Styles with the Twist of Fate. Hardy heads up top for the Swanton
Bomb, but alas it’s just a tease, as the show goes off the air.
Final Thoughts- This show was a mixed bag- the things that were done well were excellent,
while the bad parts of the show were atrocious.
Less than a minute after his debut,
Rob Van Dam was stripped of all his momentum by that one-sided beat
down. That said, RVD has always been the kind of performer that will
get himself over despite bad booking, so I don’t see this really hurting
him in the long term. Also, credit where it’s due- in one night, Sting
is more over as a heel than he was throughout the entire Main Event
Mafia angle.
I have zero interest in ever seeing
Scott Hall and Sean Waltman ever wrestle (or really, do anything to
appear on my TV) ever again. That said, if nothing else (and there is
nothing else), this angle is doing a good job getting Eric Young over.
It’s a smart move leaving the bulk of the in-ring work to Young and
Pac, and as long as this angle doesn’t end with Nash turning on Young
at Destination X- which in all honesty, it probably will- then TNA might
just finally succeed in making a new star for once, instead of just
shoving washed up has-beens down the audience’s throat.
The main event was far better than
I expected it to be. They were smart to mainly keep Flair paired with
Hulk and AJ with Abyss. Flair made Hogan’s shaky offense look fairly
convincing, largely due to a great blade job (a good idea in and of
itself, as it shows any new viewers that TNA is willing to deliver things
that WWE, with their no blood policy, is not). The focus of the match
was pretty evenly split between the young stars and the veterans, and
it was a good decision for the finish to come from Abyss pinning Styles.
Coupled with the nice attention paid to Wolfe and Pope after the match,
and a surprisingly reserved debut for Jeff Hardy, the final segments
on tonight’s show were incredibly well done. Tonight’s show may have
been a mixed bag- with more bad than good- but the main event shows
that there may be hope for Monday Night Impact yet.
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